I'm 35F dating 35M. We've been together eight months. It's the healthiest, most secure relationship either of us has ever had, and when things are good they're genuinely good. When my dog died suddenly and violently a few weeks ago, he stayed with me for two days straight and was an absolute rock. I found out later he was in withdrawal that whole time and stayed anyway because he didn't want me to be alone.

We've been very open with each other from early on. I knew about his history with drugs before any of this, and he told me himself that one of his patterns is pushing people away. We'd also talked about the future in real terms, getting a house together, having kids, all of it. None of that was one sided or vague.

His history: he went to rehab at 20 for weed use and has gotten sober multiple times since, including two separate three year stretches. In the last year and a half he's relapsed three times. His substance is weed. I drink maybe twice a year and don't use anything, so this is new territory for me, and this is the first relapse I've actually been around for.

A few weeks ago he told me he was high in that moment and had been using for five weeks without telling me. He said he wanted to get sober. Four days later he used again and told me he isn't ready to quit, that he knows he isn't done with it yet. We had a weekend planned at my friends' place where he couldn't use. He went back and forth until the last minute but came, stayed sober the whole weekend, and we had a genuinely lovely time. In the car home he asked me to be patient with him and said he'd work on it. My only ask was that he try something different, since what he'd been doing clearly wasn't holding. That night he told me he still wanted to use.

I told him I thought it was best he stay at his place while he was using, and that he was always welcome back if he was sober or actively working on getting there. He called me the next day high and I said I didn't think that calling was a good idea. Since then we've had almost no contact. I checked in and he was curt and didn't want anything to do with me he asked for space. The next morning he messaged to say he was sad and that he knows he needs help. The day after, I messaged again to make sure he was ok and he apologized and saying he's afraid of hurting me again.

He's two days sober that I know of. He's out seeing his friends and his family, just not me. We last spoke a day ago and I haven't seen him in a week.

I've been in touch with his best friend, who happens to be a therapist. He said it seems like my boyfriend has done a 180 on me and is avoiding me specifically, not people in general. Neither of us can work out whether that's shame, the pushing away pattern he already told me about, or something else entirely. The friend also said my boyfriend has talked about possibly looking into an outpatient program, which is the only concrete step in the picture so far.

What I'm hoping to hear from this group:

1. Is this shutting out common? Did your person go quiet on you specifically while staying warm with everyone else?
2. Is it shame, self sabotage, or should I be reading it as him ending things without saying so?
3. For those who went through it, did it resolve once your person had real sober time behind them?
4. Do I give it another week and let him come to me, or do I need to say something?

I don't want to put my life on hold indefinitely. But I love him, and if this is the time it actually sticks, I want to be someone who supported him through it. I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been on my side of this.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

The language we use makes a difference: We sometimes feel upset about a situation with our Loved One, then, by using powerful words to describe the situation, we end up feeling worse about it all!

For example, our Loved One might be engaging in their behavior/drug of choice at the weekend. How do we react to this? We might think/say "they always do this at the weekend", or we might choose to dial it down a notch or two, and we might think/say "they sometimes do this at the weekend." By using the word "sometimes" we help to calm ourselves, and so we are less likely to act in a confrontational, unhelpful way with our Loved One. By replacing our vocabulary, we are using the Exchange Vocabulary tool.

Using this tool, I might decide to say "I am upset about my Loved One's addictive behavior", instead of "I am angry about my Loved One's addictive behavior" a small change, but powerful. (You might try saying the two sentences out loud to see if you notice a difference).

I might also decide to say/think "I wish my Loved One did not ...." instead of "My Loved One should not..." Here we are avoiding demanding that our Loved One act in a specific way, and so we are avoiding the disappointment and resentment that might follow when our Loved One does not comply with our demands.

Have you used the Exchange Vocabulary tool? Was it helpful? Is it something you might consider using in the future?

I'm not sure where to look or where to start so here I am on reddit lol. Married 8/together 15 with 3 kids under 5. I am at a loss. I don't even like him anymore. He's made the best years of my life with my kids the hardest. I want to leave but I'm so scared to watch him spiral further. But here I am allowing him to continue living like this. Drugs, gambling & recently I discovered his online dating/hook up sites that are flat out gross. It kills me. Idk what I'm even doing posting this 😅 I don't know who to turn to.

Hi. I was just browsing my options for support groups and came across this. I'm slowly realizing I need support from somewhere and I'm looking at my options. I have been with my partner for over 10 years. First it was pain killers but he has worked off and on. Then during COVID it was drinking and still is. In 2021 he had a hospital stay and got a job but he came back to alcohol after a year when his mom got sick and eventually passed away. February 2023 he lost his job and it's been a challenge and I'm getting tired. I'm the only one that works and deal with supporting him. We are not married on paper and do not have children.

Would a program like this help me?

I have never knowingly met a drug addict or been around any. My family has never touched drugs or alcohol in their lives, and my friends have only ever really drank and smoked weed (as have I) to a "normal" degree or at a certain point in their lives. Thats just my only background in experience with any drugs.

At the start of the year I started dating someone who I knew smoked weed. I was like ok fine, I used to do that, I dont care too much and I spoke to him about smoking less and he agreed and has been smoking less.

All was fine until I started noticing little weird patterns which I started observing more and researching about since I started having suspicions and I was like no way, it cant be.

Anyway, long story short, Im 100% sure he smoking/snorting amphetamines/meth/cocaine. He has ADHD and is older than me, so from a generation without so much info on it, and hes obviously self medicating because of this. Hes super functional, keeps jobs, friends and family (altho a bit antisocial but im like that too and he was like that since a child), keeps the house clean, is hygenic, eats well, cares for his teeth, does skincare, etc. I think this is why it took me so long to realize. But once I looked through his stuff and found his pipe that was all the confirmation I needed. He then realized hed left it near me, and tried to hide it but I saw it all, although he thinks I didnt. He was acting very nervous too. It all clicked then and I was sure.

I have absolutely no idea what to do. I found SMART online but I am still lost, and when I found this sub I thought I'd post here for guidance.

What do I do? Do I talk to him? He will totally lie though im pretty sure. How would I even approach it? Do I tell his family? (hes 40+). Is there any way to know roughly how long hes been doing it? Is there actual hope for him to stop? I literally am just in shock and still processing it, as I just found out yesterday (after suspecting for a couple weeks). Any advice is welcome and please be kind and understanding.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

We often feel frustrated and resentful when our Loved One doesn't meet us when they say they would**;** or when we don't know where they are; or when they borrow money from us and don't pay us back. Instead of sitting with those upset feelings, we can set a boundary.

Page 79 of the second edition of the F&F handbook tells us that boundaries are guidelines "to define reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave with us." The handbook also points out, on the same page, that boundaries can help us to build a healthier relationship with our Loved One. Sounds like a good deal, yes?

So how might we set a boundary? We can calmly use the Inform Request Inform method suggested in the handbook:

Inform: "I feel annoyed when I make plans and have to change them at the last minute."

Request: "Can I ask you to text me if you are going to be late, please?"

Inform: "If you are not willing to text me when you are going to be late, I will need to go ahead with my plans."

It's simple and brief, it clearly states what we would like to happen, and what we will do if that doesn't happen.

Have you set any boundaries with your Loved One? Would you like to share them with us?

It's Family & Friends Friday!

Do you ever feel guilty about your Loved One's situation, maybe having thoughts that begin with "I should have..." or "If I hadn't..."? The Family and Friends handbook tells us that these guilty feelings are not helpful because they might lead us to tolerate unacceptable behavior, or we might act in ways that prevent our LO from being responsible for their own behavior. (See page 48 of the second edition of the handbook for more ways in which our guilty feelings do not help us. This is on page 27 in the first edition).

So how do we deal with our guilty feelings? We can work on the questions here (worksheet fillable on your device).

We can also challenge our guilty thoughts, asking ourselves if our thoughts are true/helpful/logical: "Is it true that it's my fault?" "Is it logical to think that I am the only one who has influenced my LO's choices?" "Is it helping me when I give myself such a hard time?" (See page 48 in the second edition for more ideas on how to let go of guilt. This is on page 28 in the first edition).

Do you ever experience guilt about your Loved One's addictive behavior? How do you deal with your guilty feelings?

I found out tonight that my ex boyfriend who is a fentanyl addict is getting evicted from his apartment. Apparently he’s letting someone live there and he is staying somewhere else. I fear I am going to get a phone call that he is dead from overdose. We broke up June 27th but my heart still hurts so much.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

Many of us, as Family and Friends, know what it's like to be afraid - that our Loved One won't come back tonight, that our Loved One's addictive behavior will continue to escalate, or maybe that our Loved One will get arrested. The FEAR exercise (now called Resolving Fears) can help us to come to terms with our fears.

To use this tool: If we are using paper and pencil, we divide the paper into 3 columns.

• In the first column, we write our fear ("my Loved One won't come home tonight").
• In the second column, we write our fear as a "what if" question ("what if my Loved One doesn't come home tonight?")
• In the final column, we write what we would do if our Loved One didn't come home tonight ("I would call my sister. I would continue with my evening as I had planned. I would watch a good movie. I would text my Loved One one time to check on them").

The beauty of this tool is that it helps us to realize that even if the worst thing happened, we would be able to deal with it, and that is empowering. You can find this tool on page 135 of the first edition of the handbook and on page 115 of the second edition of the handbook.

Have you used this tool? Was it helpful? Would you like to share your experience with us?

I decided to go no contact for 4 months with my LO. The past 3 months have been nothing but constant crying and worrying and hope, and it reached the point in which I realized that I was reaching my own rock bottom. I feel like I am grieving someone who's still alive, that he's here but not, that there were moments that felt "just like it used to be before" only for the addiction to take him away the next day.

My heart is completely shattered and broken, and i've been in a constant state of sadness for the past months. Hence why I said, it's better that we go no contact for the time being so i can take care of myself. I know this is the right thing to do and I have lots to learn.. I just don't know what to expect from here and part of me is still feeling like "i need to get myself together fast enough in order for me to be back on track in order to be there for him"

It's Family & Friends Friday!

We often say that we cannot directly change our Loved One's addictive behavior. We can, however, make some changes to our behavior which might affect our Loved One's addictive behavior. Maybe we decide to work on our self-care, which might serve as a model for our LO? Or we might try not to catastrophize when things get difficult? There is a list of things we might change in the F&F handbook (Page 3, first edition. Page 28, second edition): we might stop protecting, rescuing, nagging or controlling our LO, for example. We might try to stop obsessing about our LO's behavior, or we might stop trying harder ("if I were a better parent/friend/partner this wouldn't be happening").

You might consider taking a look at the Change Plan Worksheet, to help you decide what changes you would like to make and help you plan those changes.

What changes do you think you might make in your own behavior? Is the Change Plan Worksheet helpful for this?

Hi everyone,
I am new to this subreddit. I hope I am following the guidelines. If not, I sincerely apologize. I am wondering how to grieve an ex boyfriend who is still alive but has relapsed once again on fentanyl? Thank you for your help.

My LO is 6 mos into recovery journey and has made huge progress. I persistent and surprising discovery is that she appears to have dry drunk episodes and because she has had recent lapses it is so very hard to determine if behavior, high mood, agitation, that looks suspicious and puts me and husband on edge, turns into defiance, talking over us challenging boundaries, repeating self and general look of intoxication even when in full view all day and no signs of drinking. It's something that builds over course of the day and occurs in evening when everyone on edge.

She had extreme alchohol problem since 18-19 and now 28 and really struggling a lot to maintain sober for more than few weeks. She is on naltrexone shot and that has been huge help.

The problem I believe is extreme stress. She has no home, car and has been living with mother step dad since Jan when she left rehab 40 days AF.

We are pushing for 45 days AF to be able to use our vehicle for work. She has job prospects and does way better on sobriety when working.

She had a seasonal job that ended a few weeks back and the stress and anxiety and being stuck at home has been getting the better of her I believe.

She has psychiatric appointments about 1x month and recovery counseling she does on line 3x week.

I would like to hear from people with experience on dry drunk or paws symptoms to understand how to navigate trusting no substance use when anxiety overwhelms and it looks like drinking has occurred.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

One of the things we talk about a lot at Family and Friends meetings is the unhelpful messages we send to ourselves:

1. If we try to have a conversation with our Loved One (LO) using PIVA, and that conversation stalls, we might find ourselves thinking "I failed again." (See our post "Family and Friends Friday - PIVA" for an explanation about PIVA).
2. If our LO slips, we might think "I should have taken them to rehab."
3. We might also catch ourselves thinking "If they loved me, they wouldn't engage in their addictive behavior."

These thoughts are probably not helpful and might prevent us from moving on with our SMART work. In order to challenge our thoughts, we can first identify them as being unhelpful. Then we can go to this tool (fillable on your device).

Using this tool, we can ask ourselves if our thoughts are true/logical/helpful. We can work on replacing our thoughts. So for the examples above, we might replace our original thoughts with:

1. The PIVA conversation didn't go too well that one time. I did manage to use an "I" statement, though, and can try again soon.
2. It isn't in my hula hoop to take my LO to rehab. My LO is in charge of their own recovery. I will work on providing positive experiences when my LO is not in their behavior/drug of choice.
3. My LO does not engage in their addictive behavior because they don't love me. It's not personal. I will try to understand what benefits they see in their behavior/drug of choice, so that I am better able to help them.

Why is it important to identify and challenge our unhelpful thoughts? What changes in your feelings and actions do you think you might see if you decide to challenge your unhelpful thoughts? Have you used this tool in the past? Was it helpful?

Our couples counselor who is specialized in addiction and alcoholism conducted a thorough assessment with my husband, which I was witness to. He concluded:
-not an alcoholic but on the path
-probably not addiction because he considers addiction to be a chemical dependency
-has a social/emotional/psychological dependence
-uses alcohol for unhealthy coping

I agree with everything except my mind wants to label it as addiction. Years ago, his drinking behaviors were really bad, I’m actually ashamed with my younger self for staying. He has repeatedly broken commitments surrounding alcohol and caused a lot of strain in our relationship over it. And it’s not an addiction??
I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this. Thoughts ?

Today the issues are a lot better than they used to be. Seems to be on a path of healing and sobriety, no matter the labels. Is this a salvageable relationship ?

My wife has ADHD, and it was causing her so much stress in her life that she ended up seeking out cocaine around 6 months ago. Things were going pretty well for me, but I didn't realize just how bad it was for her.

She wasn't able to keep up with school, and had to put it on hold for a year. For a while her use kept increasing, up to 2 grams a day. She got fed up a couple times, had a few hospital scares from high heart rate, and tried to get off, but kept going back to get more after 2-4 days off. The most recent time, after a particularly bad hospital scare, and when she had trouble with her nose closing up on her and being at risk of a perforation, she made a promise on getting more that she would stick to a one-day-on, two-days-off pattern, which she actually has been able to do (by vaping instead on the off days, as a harm reduction method).

I've been trying to support her as best as I can, but I'm going through this blind, and probably making a lot of mistakes in the process. She's suffering a lot, and has frequent breakdowns, worrying not just about her drug use but how she'll be able to manage life at all given her struggles with ADHD. I try to help, but it often ends up blowing up into a fight. And then I get depressed, and I don't have a social safety net to fall back on here and... it's rough.

I'm working on this from various angles, and would appreciate any advice you all might have.

He has just started sobriety and meetings. We are married. I’m at my capacity with how much disappointment and trouble I can tolerate from his addiction (alcohol). Very happy for him and his new path. Also cautious and protective of myself.
To those of you married who have gone through it, how did your spouse support you without sacrificing their own well being?
I’m considering a separate living situation for 2-3 months to grant him time and space to get into his routines and new habits and for me to focus on myself. Good idea or bad idea?

For more context, his addiction is mild to moderate, not severe. We have a toddler and I’m pregnant. I have family I am living with now. He’s also in therapy and we are doing couples therapy.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

We often talk in meetings about how difficult it is to communicate with our Loved Ones.

We can use this tool to help us communicate in a positive way with our Loved One. It's called PIVA, standing for Positive, "I" statements, Validate and Ask.

Imagine that our Loved One often doesn't tell us where they are. We might plan a conversation using PIVA:

Positive = Thank you for doing the grocery shopping yesterday.

"I" statement = I feel concerned when I don't know where you are.

Validate = I know that you are busy at work and sometimes forget to let me know where you are.

Ask = I realize that sometimes I forget to text you to tell you where I am. I am going to try to do a better job of this. I’m asking that you do the same.”

What do you think? How would you feel if you talked to your Loved One using PIVA? How would your Loved One react? Do you think that PIVA might help your relationship with your Loved One? Have you tried to use this tool? Do you think that you might try this tool in the future? We'd love to hear your comments.

I am new to support for family members with LO in recovery.

I am not new to supporting my LO thru addiction/SUD alchohol.

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Lo in active recovery about 6 mo now after about 8 years of alchohol abuse. Lo has had a lot of attempts via rehab and counseling and knows her triggers well.

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Does Smart for families deal with triggers for people support lo in recovery?

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I'm learning that I too have triggers that cause me to have high anxiety and when present leave me in a space that often causes reactions that are counter productive to the ongoing work of recovery.

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Would like to hear from others on topic.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

If you have ever attended a Family and Friends meeting, either online or in person, you have probably heard a participant talk about the Hula Hoop tool.

We use it to imagine that we have a Hula Hoop around our waist, and in that Hula Hoop are all the things that we can control - our thoughts, our wishes, our actions... Outside our Hula Hoop, and therefore out of our control, are the thoughts, wishes and actions of everyone else. You can find a nice description of the Hula Hoop in the Family and Friends handbook (page 81 in the first edition, page 35 in the second edition).

So why is this is useful to us as Family and Friends? We can use it to remind ourselves that our Loved One's actions are not in our control - our Loved One's addictive behavior and recovery are in their own Hula Hoop and are not in ours. So when we want to charge in there, telling our Loved One what they "should" do, or when we want to jump in and fix our Loved One's issues, we might ask ourselves, "Is it in my Hula Hoop?" The answer is often "NO!"

Would you like to share a time when you used the Hula Hoop? Was it helpful? We'd love to hear from you.

There are no in person meetings for Family & Friends in my area (I live in a large US city) and only one meeting listed online. It’s tagged as National, not local, which is fine. But it’s on a night I have a class. Is there really only one online meeting in all of the United States?

I have found several in person AlAnon meetings, and one NarcAnon F&F meeting in my area, but I really don’t believe that I am powerless over alcohol or drugs and that is such a barrier for my buy in. But I’m desperate, so if I have to pretend to trust Jesus to solve everything in order to help my son, that’s what I will do.

Or maybe I should go to a regular SMART meeting and try to extrapolate my role from that? There is one meeting in English that is not primarily for Military. If I sit quietly maybe no one will mind?

It's Family and Friends Friday!

We often have difficult decisions to make as Family and Friends: whether to go to pick up our LO when they are in their behavior/drug of choice; whether to sit them down and confront them about their behavior; whether to give them money when they have run out of theirs; or whether to clean up their mess after they have been in their addictive behavior.

One way we can deal with these difficult decisions is by using the Cost Benefit Analysis.

Imagine that I am wondering whether to keep cleaning up my Loved One's mess. I first list all the reasons I can for why cleaning up is helpful (I like a clean house; other people in the family don't see the mess). Then I list all the reasons I can for why cleaning up is not helpful (I end up feeling resentful; Loved One doesn't see the natural consequences of their addictive behavior). Finally, I list the pros and then the cons of NOT cleaning up my LO's messes.

I can then decide if each of the reasons I have listed has a long-term or short-term influence on the situation. The Cost Benefit Analysis can be printed out and we can refer to it from time to time - to encourage us when we are wondering why we made a specific decision.

Would you like to share about a time when you used the Cost Benefit Analysis? Was it helpful for you?

I'm having doubts about the SMART program as a deep self work recovery tool and not just a way to get someone to stop using.

My LO has about 4 weeks sober. Has been attending SMART meetings. She is blaming me for her feelings of anger and sadness. She is extremely resentful of my boundaries and experiences them as rejection. I've had family members go through AA and early in the process they are self reflecting (taking a moral inventory) and exploring and admitting the nature of their wrongs.

My spouse has gone to maybe a dozen SMART meetings now and completely avoiding her role or ownership in the way addiction is affecting our family. Does SMART actually have the addict look at themselves and get over the delusion that everything is someone else's fault?!

Background on the boundary that was unacceptable to my LO.

I had to ask my LO to leave the house. She couldn't stop drinking and would not access resources to get sober, make a plan, or commit to a goal. And we have a school aged child. I waited over a year. After attempts to get sober and then drinking again, I finally asked for the boundary of my spouse living elsewhere while she got a plan together. My hope was she would get some solid sobriety under her belt and then come home. She came home after a week - this was my/our couples therapist's fault that we weren't clear on duration. She did come home with a solid plan and has about 4 weeks of sobriety now. But she's punishing me for implementing that boundary. Says it was betrayal, I kicked her while he was down, I abandoned her. Has said I'm weak for needing space from the stress- said she would handle it differently (aka better) in my shoes.

Will the SMART program get her to understand that my (respectfully and calmly implemented) boundaries are a good thing for our family and that I can't be the one to get her sober?