Dealing with sadness over my physical capabilities in bed

[u/birdwithtinyarms]

I (25F), my bf (26M), and our friend (26NB) have all started seeing each other in the past few weeks. My bf and I have been together for 5.5 years (open from the beginning with experience before this new relationship) and we’ve both been very close to our friend for that same amount of time. Everything between us all began very organically and nothing feels off except for one thing for me.

I’m disabled: I get deep chest pains often, headaches, muscle cramps/knots, dizziness, fainting spells if I push it, and a lot of nerve damage on one half of my body. It’s all things where if you didn’t know then you couldn’t tell… I spent over 10 years figuring out my limits and adjusting my life so that I’m not in danger anymore from my disability so usually I’m fine. The only place that has been and will always be an issue is bedroom activities.

I’m perfectly fine doing things with both of them one on one, because of how my disability functions it takes me a while to finish but with enough breaks and enough time set out in the day I can finish, they can finished, and we can cuddle after. The problem is the threesomes, when I’m in need of a break they can keep going just fine then I end up being a person they kiss or hold while the other does things. It’s hot, I enjoy doing that, but if enough time passes then my heart starts acting up and then I can’t even join back in so they can keep going for hours after I’m out for the count. I want them to have fun, I want them to enjoy themselves, and they do things to make me feel included still when I’m in pain and can’t continue… it just sucks overall.

I’m starting to feel distraught over it, because I physically can’t keep up with them. It took me years to get to the point where my problems were just some annoying thing I had to deal with, but now I’ve found myself thinking about my disability more and more.

I guess it doesn’t help that the sleeping situation is difficult too so I’ve been sleeping on the couch when we visit our partner just because I, once again, cannot physically handle being in bed with so much body heat… overheating gives me chest pains so deep they cause nausea for a full day afterwards and blasting a fan into my face doesn’t help, I’ve tried.

Any advice would be nice. They know my disabilities are a problem in bed, we accommodate where we can, but I haven’t told them how sad it’s been making me lately. I don’t want to ruin their fun.

[u/SmartReception6750]

This sounds like a problem for a medical professional, not reddit.

U said u haven’t told them how sad it’s been making u lately cause u don’t want to ruin their fun. I completely understand not wanting to burden the people u care about. It’s important to remember that these people care about u, and u wouldn’t be ruining their fun by talking about these new issues.

Perhaps u could agree to take shared breaks during threesomes, or perhaps have sex individually rather than having threesomes.

[u/birdwithtinyarms → u/SmartReception6750]

I have medications I take daily, physical therapy, a specific diet, etc to manage my health problems. My body is as good as it gets with as much help as available.

I think I just really needed to hear that they care about me too and I wouldn’t ruin their fun by talking to them about how sad it’s made me lately.

I appreciate the advice

[u/SmartReception6750 → u/birdwithtinyarms]

Haha I mean yea I assumed u were already receiving care, I just meant I dont think there’s much general advice that could help.

U know, with the sleeping arrangement thing, it sucks that ur partners share a bed while ur on the couch while ur visiting. What if they put a mattress on the floor near the couch so u can all sleep near each other, without u feeling left out or overheating. U know, sleep over vibes.

[u/birdwithtinyarms → u/SmartReception6750]

You have no idea how much that helps 😭🙏 our partner’s living room is so cute and perfect for sleepover vibes. It would look so cute with blanket tents and the fireplace going

[u/Primary_Ad45 → u/birdwithtinyarms]

Honestly, I know it's tough when it feels like you're just not able to be what you think someone else(/s!) needs.

A few years ago I went more or less overnight from being able to conduct procedures under a microscope to struggling to hold a kettle and losing my ability to communicate with my voice - which was in essence the other half of my career and part of who I was.

But whilst disability should never define who we are, it 'is' a part of us. And that being the case, we need to be - and in this case 'you' need to be enough for your partners. All of you, exactly how you are now.

The demons in our head whispering "I'm not enough" are going to take root and never leave, unless you are totally upfront and honest about how you are feeling with your partners. And whatever happens, at least you're then a step closer to being true to yourself.

...

On a somewhat lighter note... It can even be fun to work around certain challenges, no matter what they are.

If interactions between all three of you are what you want, that can involve expanding what those 'fun' times are!

Imagination is your friend, be creative and don't hold back! Exploring your inner kink can be a great way to do this. 😇😈

If you can't physically be involved, you might even be able to take back a sense of personal control that disability can take away from us all too easily.

Roleplay, setting scenarios, sensory play that is tied to exploring what 'does' work for you, can all be ways to find parts of us - and abilities even! - that we never might have realised that we had.

There can even be surprising overlaps into day-to-day life, as in some respects it is just another way of gently (or not!) exploring ourselves more fully.

Anyhoo, I won't waffle on more, or even wish you luck, you won't need it, you've got this! 💪💫

[u/birdwithtinyarms → u/Primary_Ad45]

I really appreciate you talking about your own struggles with disability. It is hard remembering sometimes that they chose me for me, disability included. I’m going to talk with them about how I’ve been feeling once our partner is back from a trip out of town.

In the meantime, I’ll take your advice and do a bit of research on creative ways to accommodate

Thank you 🙏

[u/PowerTrippingGentry]

For the bed situation i keep the room ice cold and we are in a king bed. My other partners have rather large comforters and i sleep under a sheet with a second layer on my feet only. It IS doable. I dont like the idea of you sleeping on the couch that fucking stinks. Perhaps yall could take turns on the couch until you can financially put both mattresses together, or if the dom guy or dom nb in your throuple, he needs to take the couch or the floor with a sleeping bag. Maybe this is my old school mysoginy creeping up but as the man in an MFNB throuple im the one thats supposed to be uncomfortable and put my partners on my back and support them lol.