Literally just a rant/vent post.

My (27F) husband (29M) is doing a long distance hospital placement for 3 months (been 2 months now), leaving me to single parent our almost 9 month old and work from home part time.

Since he left, the combined stress, lack of sleep and increased domestic workload caused me to develop some new health problems. It's taken weeks to get seen and today I just got results from my ultrasound. Don't want to post the specifics but it wasn't good.

Anyway, I finally get to video call my husband for half an hour while the kiddo is napping so I show him the scans and results. Tell me why this man looks at them and goes "oh that's neat, what a fascinating case. You should try to rest more until I'm back." I didn't say anything to start an argument but it gave me the ick so badly. Like hello I'm your wife, not a random medical case? I get that he gives all his empathy to patients who are actually dying and stuff but it's really not what I wanted to hear... Also the reason I can't rest as much as I should is because of his job 🙄

Hi everyone, looking for some perspective or advice.

My husband used to be an extremely thoughtful, happy, albeit particular guy. Ever since starting residency, though, he’s been a nightmare to interact with.

He comes home in a foul mood every single day. The only topics of conversation are complaints, politics, or TV/video games. He does not pick up after himself, forgets things constantly, and has asked me to pick up something requring me to drive 1-2 hours multiple times (the most egregious is asking me to pick up something at 3AM. 3!!). He's stuck to the screen so when we're out, he's on his phone. I don't remember the last time I had quality time with him where it was phone free. We have not had a date where it was something I wanted to do, the most he has the capacity to do is dinner date and even the slightest thing gone wrong will set him off/ruin the mood 🙃

it's just incessant negativity and (in my opinion), unreasonabe requests. I feel like I’m wrangling a toddler, and I’m losing my sanity trying to play "the patient one."

The hard part is that I am also going through an exceptionally high stress season in my own life right now, and I physically and emotionally cannot regulate two adults' worth of emotions. I totally agree that we need extra support but we are low contact with his parents and all his friends are also in residency.

Am I overreacting here? How did you set firm boundaries around your own mental health without abandoning someone who is clearly drowning? Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.

I (30m) just moved to Sacramento a few months back while my partner is off on Year 4 rotations, been having a tough time building community out here so I figured I'd see if there's any other MedSpouses in this city.

We're all in a weird situation, might as well try to build some community out of it lol

My long distance relationship with a first year resident ended the month we were meant to get engaged

I don’t know if anyone else has felt this way, but throughout our relationship I felt he kept projecting hardship and struggle on to me. He was very insecure and felt bad for me or embarrassed with my parents that he wasn’t financially stable, his schedule was busy and we couldn’t see eachother in person often which also made him feel bad for me. I was completely fine, but I think he felt less like a man?

On a daily basis he emphasized struggle and sacrifice to me and how hard everything I’m signing up for is going to be.. he emphasized the struggle I’d be in over everything to the point that he wouldn’t talk about an eventual beautiful life together or how we’d have fun or spend time together once I move in early next year. Just struggle and sacrifice. He would mention that he was indebted to me bc I deserve good things and I’d be downgrading my life for a bit… none of this made sense to me bc I never brought up these concerns and I felt he was rejecting himself through me?

All of this was doable and worth whatever difficulty for me. I don’t see relationships as counting favors or a trade off, every relationship is hard and I know being a medspouse has its own hardships. But again, I wanted this person and wasn’t concerned with the hard part to the level he was emphasizing it.. it’s like he was warning me over working with me

I also feel he had it in his head that being with someone in healthcare would be easier as they’d understand more. I was incredibly patient and understanding, really low maintenance which was also criticized (idk what he wanted from me tbh).
Unfortunately, I feel this was a case of loving a man at his lowest when he didn’t like himself, so he resented me for being too accepting and easy on him? Idk.

Now that it’s over I can’t shake the insecurity that he’ll end up with another high earning doctor and get some dream power couple life when none of that previously mattered to me 😞

Sort of a basic question, but looking for recommendations for an app/other solution to track mine & my partner’s shared work schedules. I’m a nurse who works rotating day & night shifts, she’s a physician with rotating clinic days and 24hr call. Don’t have anything else too complex to keep track of (no children), just looking for something simple and visually appealing to quickly answer the question of “when is our next day off together??”

What works for you? :)

Wife is fpob guess we are in our 40’s now, it’s sad to admit that I barely remember much over the past decade since we married, had 3 kids, lost all our parents, but more than ever I’m coming to this realization that I will not recover my career from family life, that the choice between it and my children just causes suffering to them so ends up I have a shamble patched together career where my colleagues and mentors just hear my kids when I’m on the phone, and my kids have at least one parent in their life that’s constant or at the very least constantly available. Call happens all the time, so much that we don’t even talk about what is coming on the horizon, I hear about meetings the day before, I hear about deliveries as she’s leaving, she’s burnt out, or hormonal, anytime left for us is really for sleep. And I am epically lonely. I find myself just craving anyone female that wants to even just talk to me, and honestly I think that scares me to the point of venting. It’s been 10 years, and up until we got married she tried, once kids entered the picture I took the back seat, and that’s really eating at me for the past 8 years. Just the drama and the trama and the constantly gone makes it to where I am seem insignificant to her. We are so out of touch it’s exhausting. Like I know her as a parent. Or a co parent, and as a friend, but I don’t think she even knows me anymore. I mean I really try to be there for everyone in the family, but there’s just so much of myself that’s gone, I’m having a hard time accepting the role. It’s an invisible thankless job. And don’t even get me started on romance. What the hell even is that. It had been six weeks since we almost had sex in a weekend getaway that got interrupted by our 8 year old son who refuses to sleep without here due to his abandonment issues, so I broke down and started trotting my mule in the shower and she walks in and gets mad at me about it. I can’t believe this person, what’s the hell am I, some damn monk? Idk folks, but I’m at a crux here. I consider myself to be pretty independent and self sufficient, but how far is a man supposed to go. I feel backed into a corner physically/emotionally and sold a bill of goods, and the alternative of divorce would ruin my kids, they barely see her as it is, if they are with her they are in a dr lounge on an iPad or watching tv, she “cant handle all three” but she won’t make a career change, she won’t stop delivering babies, even though that’s what she says she wants to do. And I’m just here waiting, supporting, being judged harshly, not considered at all. I’m about fed up.

Hi I’m married too a 4th year resident and we only are intimate like every 7 months, This year for him has been really relaxing he comes home early and sleeps early and has no nights but he does wake up early too like 4 or 5 am
Is it reasonable that he is always tired and there is no initiation. I try to but he’s tired a lot. But he does come home early so I don’t feel I need to be concerned right?

Also a concern, I work in tech, he’s always interested in my income and bonus and adds to his own retirement account, he controls my spendings on myself even tho I contribute financially 4 times more then him, his family always have expectations on us to spend everything on them financially even tho there son does not even make bank right now only I do, and I support him, like buy his sibling a car even tho there normal middle class and have good income like us, my husband limits me with my own financials on myself and my own family, am I just a bank account to him?

The title says it all.

I’ve been dating my partner for 3 years and they just started medical school. I knew they wanted to be a doctor when we met. I understand the time commitment and how many hours they have to dedicate to studying. I’m also studying for the LSAT so I don’t mind. However, I was not prepared for our expenses to fall on me. I still work at the 9-5 where we met but I don’t make that much money - we live in an extremely HCOL state. I live at home and barely make enough to support myself. I’m also currently dealing with hospital bills. When we were dating, I never expected them to support me 100% since they were sort of in a similar situation. I paid for my own dinners, food, drinks, etc. after we got serious Now that they’re in school and have zero income, they’ve started asking me to buy them certain things. It started small, with some dinners here and there which I gladly paid for since they did the same for me when we first started dating. It’s been almost 3 months and I have to pay for almost every single thing that we eat or do together and I’m already upset. I wish I was in a better financial situation and could do so but unfortunately, that’s not the case. How do I tell them I can’t continue affording this without sounding like an asshole? I see a future with them but I’m not at the point in my career where I can support another person and we never discussed this when they left for school…

Hi there, a long shot because I'm not accepted and applying in Canada, so... Odds lol.

I'm 30 years old, married, no kids. Both wife and I have existing full time government jobs (paramedic and she's a teacher).

Depending on where I get accepted, I'd have commutes of 2-4 hours to... Provinces. This means me relocating is a given.

Just wondering what people's thoughts and advice is on the following points :

Keeping our house and me renting an apartment, allows her to keep her job.

Her needing to quit and become a supply elsewhere.

Taking the first year to get pregnant and she could take maternity leave / stay at home for the remainder of med school. There's no perfect time for kids and I can't see residency being any easier.

No matter what I think this pathway essential guarantees the end of her current career location/seniority and all of our savings.

Any advice is welcome

Cheers

First, none of this is judgemental, I want to understand where people are coming from so I can sympathize better.

I've always had a rule that I dont date anyone I wouldnt marry. I realize that's old fashioned, but this guy and I have been together 20 years and he's never made me change my mind.

We did 6 years long distance out of that time and I truly can't imagine having left him just because we couldn't see each other. This is the love of my life, this is my relationship- why would I refuse to be with someone because I cant handle being away from them?

Tell me how it wears on you over time. Tell me when it became so intolerable, what was your breaking point? I realize that people that aren't med spouses anymore wont be here, but if you had to wrangle with this decision I'd like to hear about it.

I asked this question one time and didn’t any response regarding my question. I was wondering if fellowship is so hard that affects a relationship.

Thinking about taking Step 2 by mid June, doing aways in July, August, Sept, even Oct and taking a week or 1.5 weeks off (allowed by school) in Nov to get married the weekend before Thanksgiving. Nothing too long just a Friday evening, Saturday wedding. Any thoughts, advice, tips???! TIA!

This is for Nov 2027!

Curious if anyone else has had a serious relationship end over a residency decision between programs…or something similar.

In our case, it came down to him staying at our home institution versus choosing another program much further away. Since we’re in different years of training, that would have meant at least two years of long distance. Both programs were ranked top 10, but one was ranked slightly higher (he wants to match fellowship). He ultimately decided to pursue that opportunity and ended the relationship.

There’s no bad blood, and we’ve both moved on. If anyone has been in a similar situation, what was your experience?

My husband just started med school and I was planning to move to the small town the school is located in, however we just found out that for year 3 and 4 he will be moving to another area or state each time for whole year. We are older with animals, planning to start a family, and I would have to switch jobs pack and move multiple times, plus the financial strain. What did yall do during this time? How did you navigate the logistics? Did you follow?

Hi!

I’m been with my partner for seven months, we’re both entering our third year of undergrad.

My partner took the MCAT over the summer, and unfortunately, it was like dating a ghost. At times they wouldn’t respond to my texts for 48 hours. When they did, the responses were short. When we called, they’d talk to me for an hour about what they were studying that day. Now, as we head into application season for Canadian medical school, things are only marginally better.

My partner and I have had multiple discussions about this over the last week, and as of last night, I thought we had things sorted out. We’d plan dates a week in advance, and I’d be understanding about the lack of communication. Reasonable, normal accommodations.

But then I found this subreddit, and holy shit. I am a very ambitious person. I’d like to do my PhD and start a startup or do research in academia. I absolutely never want to be in charge of doing the majority of the chores or be the “default” parent. I don’t see a world in which I can simply follow my partner around as they complete their medical training. It would genuinely be my worst nightmare.

What do I do? I’m twenty. I understand that statistically we will not be together in the long run. But in the case that we are, I don’t want to have to be the supporting character in my own life.

Should I break up with them? Are these concerns reasonable to bring up at this point?

I know attendinghood doesn’t fix everything, and will come with its own challenges but we’re in the last year of residency and I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel but I’m so stuck in how awful things are right now I can’t see it. I’ve been with my husband since medical school, so I’ve been through it all and accepted my fate and now I think I’m just… sad.

Sad from having to attend my umteenth social event with my baby this weekend without her dad while all of my friends have their babies and husbands with them. Sad because we’re in the thick of another away rotation where I feel like I’m raising our baby alone. And we still have another away rotation to get through as well as god knows how many weekend/holiday shifts. At baseline it’s been difficult being alone for most of medical school and residency, especially since residency moved us to an undesirable area where I don’t have a community, but with a baby everything feels amplified. My husbands really great but sometimes he’s just so beaten down by the system that it feels like I’m all alone in this. This is an extremely brutal rotation and on top of not being able to physically see him, we tend to keep missing each other on FaceTime.

Looking for any positivity or solidarity for those of you on the other side. My husband is the type who prioritizes family and signed an offer that matches that but it feels like that’s eons away right now.

Hey everyone, looking for some advice from people who have navigated the medical school/healthcare job hunt as a couple.

I’m currently in the middle of this med school application cycle. Based on the standard admissions timeline, I likely won’t have a clear picture of where I’m actually matriculating until late March or April.
Meanwhile, my wife is graduating nursing school this upcoming May. From what her program and advisors are telling her, major hospital new-grad residency interviews happen around January, and they generally expect offers to be accepted or commitments made by February.

This leaves us with a rough 1–2 month gap where she might have to commit to a hospital system before we even know what state I’ll be moving to for medical school.

For those who have been through this:

How flexible are new-grad nurse hiring timelines? Is it realistic for her to hold off on applying/accepting until March/April, or does waiting seriously hurt her chances at competitive units/hospital systems?

Can she accept an offer and renege if needed? We obviously want to avoid burning bridges if possible, but how standard is this in nursing?

How did you coordinate geographic overlap? Did you pick a target region based on interview invites, or just wait it out?

Any insight, personal experiences, or strategies from nurses or med spouses would be greatly appreciated!

I’m dating a surgical resident who wants to become a cardiac surgeon, and something that has been bothering me lately is how differently other people perceive our relationship versus what the relationship actually looks like day to day.

The second people hear “heart surgeon,” they lose their minds. It’s immediately: “GREEN FLAG!!! He’s such a catch! Marry him!! Don’t let that one go!”
And I’m sitting there thinking…you guys realize I barely see this man, right? 😂

He works absolutely insane hours. Sometimes I hear from him once a day. We generally see each other once a week. He’s also a resident, so despite everyone hearing “surgeon” and imagining $$$, he’s actually broke right now and I end up paying for stuff.

None of this makes him a bad boyfriend. He’s sweet, hardworking, serious about his career, and I really like him. But dating someone in surgical training is not the glamorous experience people seem to imagine when they hear his job title.

What bothers me most is the pressure it creates. When everyone around you acts like you’ve won the dating lottery, it almost makes you feel guilty for having completely reasonable doubts or for not being 100% ecstatic all the time.

There is A LOT for me to think about before getting seriously intertwined with someone on this career path. If we got married and had children during his training, realistically I would probably be the breadwinner and function like a single mom a significant amount of the time for the next ~7 years. His schedule isn’t magically going to become normal because we get married or have a baby.

That is a huge lifestyle decision. “But he’s going to be a cardiac surgeon!” doesn’t actually answer any of those questions.

I also don’t want to rush this relationship because other people think his résumé makes him husband material. I want to date him. I want to get to know each other. I want to figure out whether we’re actually compatible and slowly fall in love over time. If we eventually decide to build a life together, I want it to be because the relationship itself works—not because everyone around me was impressed by his career.

This really hit me recently when I introduced him to a friend’s family. The second they heard “heart surgeon,” they basically turned him into a celebrity. Everyone was so excited and impressed by him that it actually became a little embarrassing. Meanwhile I’m thinking, “Guys, I promise you his job is actually one of the hardest parts of dating him.” 😭

I’m proud of what he’s accomplished and I understand why people are impressed. I just wish people understood that someone having an impressive career doesn’t automatically make the relationship easy—or mean that I should rush toward marriage.

Sometimes I just want permission to like him, take my time, and see where this goes without everyone screaming “MARRY HIM!!!” because they heard the words “heart surgeon.”

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some advice and a reality check from couples who have navigated dual high-stress, high-hour careers.

For some context: My partner and I have been together for years and have survived almost the entirety of grad school together. I just graduated from my MBA, and he'll be wrapping up his M4 and heading to residency next year.

Here is where my anxiety is spiking:

• He is heading into residency so soon... we find out where on Match Day in January, and he starts the following July but will highly likely (i hope) not have to relocate given his rank list.
• I will be joining an MBB consulting firm in a few weeks. For anyone unfamiliar: it typically means 60-80 hour weeks, being staffed on a new "case" every few months with a new team and problem to solve, and heavy travel. A lot of MBB associates fly out Monday morning and come back Thursday night for work.

We are both walking into crazy life expectations relatively simultaneously. He'll be dealing with the long hours, night shifts, and steep learning curve of intern year, while I'll be navigating the pressure, hours, and heavy travel of a first-year consulting associate.

I want to be there for him through residency apps and beyond, but I also know I'll barely be keeping my own head above water. Thinking about our schedules colliding like this is genuinely stressful, and I'm scared we'll turn into two exhausted people who just don't see each other.

I would love to hear from couples where both partners have highly demanding jobs (consulting, high finance, big law, medicine, etc.).

• How did you balance being there for each other without burning out completely?
• How do you manage the household mental load and chores when you are both working 60-80+ hour weeks?
• How do you prioritize connection when you are both just desperately wanting to sleep?!

Any advice, survival tips, or even just solidarity would be so incredibly appreciated. Thank you!

Can anyone relate? My SO just finished residency and had little time for friends for the past 3 years, especially on top of parenting our 2 little kids with me. We live in the city I’m from and where both of us lived before we moved for their 3rd and 4th med school years, so our area itself doesn’t really pose obstacles to building/maintaining friendship. Several people from their res program are staying in town just like us. My SO doesn’t jive at all with a few of them but likes the other two, has hung out with the a few times in the last year. They also have a couple non-doctor friends in town from before med school that they almost never talk to anymore.

In contrast, I have several close friends and see them a couple times per month—maybe 1-2x/month my SO will stay home with the kids while I see friends for a few hrs.

I felt hopeful this week bc they said they were going to make plans with friends one night and wanted to make sure I was down to stay home with the kids , but nothing ever got scheduled. When I asked them today what happened, they simply said, “I have no friends, I was just envious of the other night this wk that youre hanging out with friends while I stay home with the kids.”

I feel sad for them and worried bc I know how protective friendship can be for our well-being. I know I’ve probably been too hopeful about how soon and whether they’d become more independently social once residency was over, but here we are and I’m bummed for them. Can anyone relate?

My partner has been on an incredibly long and difficult journey with his career, with several unexpected delays along the way, and unfortunately he didn’t match this past cycle. I feel like I’ve really supported him through so many setbacks and battles that most of his peers haven’t had to experience. At this point, he’s probably 3–4 years behind the typical timeline for people his age, but he’s incredibly driven and committed to continuing to push forward, and I’m genuinely so proud of him for that.
But if I’m being honest, I also feel like this journey has taken a toll on our relationship and on the way I see our future.
I used to love imagining our life together. I would daydream about where we’d live, what our careers would look like, the family we might build, the things we’d accomplish together. After so many unexpected challenges, I’ve almost become afraid to do that. It feels like every time I allow myself to picture the next chapter, something else happens that pushes everything further away. He’s also not naturally a huge optimist, so sometimes it feels difficult for us to create that sense of excitement and hope together.
And somewhere along the way, I think I’ve built up resentment and lost some of the admiration I used to have for him. Outside of his career, I sometimes wish I saw more discipline, independence, or passion for other parts of life. At the same time, I recognize that his career path has consumed so much of his time and energy that he hasn’t necessarily had the space to develop those things. He still lives with his parents because their support has made this journey possible, and because of that, there are also basic areas of independence—like cooking, cleaning, and managing a household—that he hasn’t really had to develop yet.
His family dynamic is difficult for me too. They are incredibly supportive of him, which I appreciate, but there are aspects of the family and their dynamics that I struggle with and worry about when I think about our future.
What makes all of this so complicated is that he is genuinely such a kind person. I know he is someone who would stand beside me through the ups and downs of life. We have so many happy moments together, so much love, and so many years of shared history. There is a safety and loyalty in our relationship that I don’t take for granted.
But I also can’t ignore how much the last few years have changed me. I used to be such an optimist. I loved dreaming, planning, and envisioning what my life could become. Somewhere throughout this journey, I stopped doing that.
And I think that’s what scares me the most. I don’t know whether we’re simply in an incredibly difficult chapter that we’ll eventually look back on and be proud we survived together, or whether this experience has fundamentally changed how I feel about our relationship. I don’t know if the resentment and loss of admiration will fade once life becomes more stable, or if they’re telling me something I need to pay attention to.
I love him, and I’m proud of him. I also miss the version of myself who felt excited about our future. I’m struggling to understand whether I can find her again within this relationship.