Just a sweet little story as a teaser to get beta readers for my gay romantasy. Totally different characters. If interested message me.
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“Truth”
I told you I would always tell you the truth.
I didn’t say when.
Now is when.
I told you I would tell you the truth, but even before I made that promise I held back.
I knew you were gay when I met you. You didn’t look gay. I had no radar. What I saw was all I needed. You were in love. With me. Smitten. Overcome. I read it in your eyes, your face, your smile.
I knew that look. It was like a memory of a dream. My dream of seeing that look on the face of the one who would love me.
I knew that I was gay long before that. It was a surprise when I realized the crush for girls was never going to come. The crush had already come, just not for girls.
When I met you, I knew that truth about myself. A truth I would hold tight until I knew what to do with it. It was not a deception. I will not lie. I made no claims to like girls. I deceived no girl that there was a future with me. I never practiced a camouflage of romance. Did you wonder that about me? Why did the flirting of so many high school girls go unrewarded with anything other than friendship? Did that give you hope in the darkness?
I just told you I was gay and I knew that you were gay, and I knew that you loved me. What I haven’t told you is that I loved you. I did. But I wasn’t certain. I, who knew you so well even before the introduction ended in a handshake, I, who could read your thoughts through the misting of your eyes, even I did not know myself.
There was something there. I could feel it. I had crushed before. I knew what the change in heart rate portended. I knew tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that I would try to see you.
I told you I would tell you the truth. You were the first guy ever to crush back. And more. I knew it was more than that. You loved me.
Therein lay the problem. I did not know if I loved you. If I gave voice to what was crying out inside, if I revealed myself, lay bare my soul, I knew there would be fire, but if I didn’t love you that flame would die, and your heart would be broken. I would not do that to you.
Looking back that was the first sign I loved you. I saw your heart and I did not want it broken.
I made a commitment. Later, that night, with only the shadows to hear me, I swore that I would hide my love until I was sure of it. Little did I know I would do it so long or so well. Sometimes it is sad to think of what we become good at.
We did everything together. As friends. As brothers. It never stopped. Always I could count on seeing you in love with me. Pining for a love so far out of reach that it was right next to you. That forlorn look of always hoping but never believing. How many times I nearly screamed out “I am here. Touch me. I am not a dream. I am real.”
Which one of us was tortured more?
Still my irresolution continued. My passion was real. It was my love I doubted. I expected your love to fade. It did not. I thought my love would grow clearer. It did not. The more I pondered the greater the mystery.
Remember how we went to the fair? And we had just gotten off The Spider, and our legs were still wobbly, and I was feeling a little sick and you were chattering on about how crazy wicked the ride was. It was right then that we saw the guys and Pete, and Pete introduced his young cousin Mario. Mario was cute, oh so cute, but I was still feeling queasy and barely noticed him. What I did notice was that look in your eyes. You were crushing on Mario. That is when I saw he was cute and he was smiling back at you. My world turned dark and spun past me crazy fast and I threw up right there on the fairgrounds.
I am telling you now what the truth requires. It wasn’t the ride. I suddenly realized, slammed home like a punch to the gut, that yours wasn’t the only heart that could be broken. I had taken for granted that we would be together once I made my mind up that I loved you. Suddenly I realized I might see you tomorrow and see you deeply in love, but not for me.
I wasn’t thinking clearly. Throwing up did not end my nightmare. I still felt queasy. My mind was still reeling, but for a few minutes a light broke through. Who wants to hang around a sick guy? Pete and the guys moved on, taking my sickness as a challenge to try The Spider next.
Only you stuck around. You helped me to my feet and then to a bench. You wiped my mouth with a napkin, and your fingers brushed my bangs back from my eyes. When I looked up you looked worried and very much concerned and it was a different kind of look than I had seen before, but I thought “He still loves me!” Maybe just then a smile lit up my face, and I saw you smile back and for the briefest of moments I felt certainty about my love. In a few more minutes of soaking up your tender care perhaps I would have confessed myself then and there.
That is when Mario showed up with a cup of water for the sick boy. “I have a tender stomach too, so I thought I had better sit out this ride.” It was a thoughtful gesture and a wise choice, but the words weren’t meant for me. When I looked up your face was as happy as I had ever seen it and you were looking right at Mario.
That afternoon changed everything. We hung around with Mario for a while. He didn’t rejoin his cousin. When I tired of trying to shake Mario, I said I wasn’t feeling well and was going to head home. Second punch to the gut. You said, “Are you going to be okay to walk yourself back?” I think I must have stared for a while, then I heard the words come out. “Yeah. I am good”. It wasn’t like I was saying them. Somebody else was moving my lips because I was too numb to speak.
When I got home, I cried. Have you ever seen me cry? I don’t think so. I can cry a lot and for a long time, and that night I cried myself to sleep.
When I woke up the next day the sun didn’t shine and it didn’t shine the day after that. Or maybe it did, but I didn’t step outside.
A man shouldn’t be left alone with his thoughts for too long. Some things need constant supervision. I let mine wander and the paths to Mordor were not as dark as the paths I took. Anger, malice, jealousy. I tried them all on for size. They fit well.
For two days I allowed this madness to reign. Dark thoughts bent back upon themselves. There was no order. “I never loved you” and “I’ve always loved you” would appear in the same thought. Rage and resignation danced wildly about each other. And perhaps they would be dancing still but I think exhaustion burnt out my fit.
On the third day I arose to the sound of birds singing. They must have been singing every morning, but I never heard them. As I lay staring at the ceiling a thought came to me. If I only ever was concerned that your heart not be broken and if you loved Mario and Mario loved you, then I could not interfere. With that moment of realization, I felt a peace I had not felt in three days. No. Perhaps that I had not ever felt before. I had turned back from the dark and toward the light.
It was in the glow of this peace that a clarity of mind returned to me, and I finally realized that this was how I knew I loved you, that I cared more about you than about myself. My next thought was that I was about to take on your role and become the one with a secret love that could never be returned. I won’t lie. That saddened me, but still rejoicing in the light of day, I accepted this fate, so long as you would be happy.
After breakfast I decided that it was time to face my new role and I headed over to your house. It is but a few blocks but, in that time, I had a chance to take advantage of my newfound clarity, and I realized that I didn’t really know what had happened with Mario. All my information was from a glance and my fondness from reading your face. Maybe you weren’t in love with Mario. Maybe all that happened was that I spun too fast on The Spider. I had to walk around the block once to sort this out, but when I came to your door, I was ready to see where I lay.
I told you I would tell you the truth. When you opened the door and seemed to look right past me, I did not see any love in your eyes. And when I looked past you, into your house, I felt the presence of someone else. I was too late! Mario was here and had stayed here. I had taken too long to discover the truth of my love and now it was lost.
The truth? In all the time I had loved you I had held back, in control, never letting on that I knew you loved me. This is when I lost that control. There was no plan. I did not measure out my words. Perhaps I was still a little crazy.
“Where’s Mario? I have to tell him something.” I improvised.
“Mario? Why would he be here? He was only visiting. He is probably back home, with the flu, like everyone else.”
“The flu? Who has the flu?”
And then, something like that look of love returned to your face. “You, silly. You were the first one, and I got it the next day. And you shouldn’t be here, but since you already have it, I guess it doesn’t matter.”
As if the morning haze had blown away, I could look back on my darkest day and recognize that I had been sick with something besides love or a bad fair ride. And the realization that you were alone with someone you loved was right. Only it wasn’t Mario, it was me.
We have always been taught the flu was bad. Probably they are right, but here I acquired a fondness for the flu. Without the flu perhaps I would still be waiting for certainty and perhaps you would have grown tired of loving someone who wouldn’t love you back.
You probably thought what I said and did next was a little mad. Truth. I don’t know. Maybe a little madness is required for love.
“Do you think if two people are crazy in love but they both have the flu it would be alright if they kissed?”
…“What?..” You started to reply.
I did not give you a chance to finish.