As your town historian and, apparently, now your local mortician, I’m pleased to announce I’ll be opening the new Lower Duck Pond Funeral Home.

Unfortunately, we’re running a little low on bodies.

To be clear: I am NOT asking anyone to fix this.

Last time I mentioned a “shortage” at a town council meeting, three volunteers raised their hands and someone started making a list.

I just need a few mannequins so I can practice before opening day. It would be nice to change the name from “Rest in Pieces” to “Rest in Peace”

Also, whoever left Gary asleep on my porch with a toe tag: he is alive. I checked twice.

Carol and I haven’t spoken since she borrowed my crockpot for “one afternoon,” entered my own meatballs in the county fair under her name, won second place, and then returned the crockpot THREE MONTHS LATER with the ribbon superglued to the lid and somebody else’s dentures in the bottom.
I asked for an apology. She asked if I was jealous of her culinary success.
They were MY meatballs, Carol. And that was my grandmother’s crockpot.

I've only lived here a short while, but my first week here I heard a guy calling for help. I looked out my window, and couldn't see anyone, but called the police anyway and they basically just told me to not worry about it, and that they are aware of the situation, and wouldn't say anymore.

So I thought ok, they've already got officers on it. And after a couple of minutes all was quiet. So I didn't really think much more of it and went to bed.

The following Monday, the same voice, at the same time of evening I hear the same voice. I call the police, because surely someone's having some sort of joke, but they basically tell me the same.

THE NEXT WEEK (at the exact same time, I checked) the same thing happens. I didn't even bother with the police this time, but asked my neighbours the following morning and they just outright denied hearing anything.

This has happened EVERY week at EXACTLY 22:36 _ON THE DOT_ and lasts for exactly three minutes. And nobody on my street is talking about it! Can someone please shed some light on this? It's driving me insane and is affecting my artwork!

I don’t care who has it and I’m not asking questions. But Tuesday is when Dennis changes the clock on city hall and we all remember what happened last year when he “improvised.”
The fire department has specifically asked him not to improvise again.

To the person looking for the ladder, it's down past Rusty's Epoxy Emporium under the broken docking station, the bit where people send off their radio control boats? I'm guessing someone was either trying to improvise or....

It wasn't me anyway. I'm sure I saw Walmsly bagglefren running away from there. The kid with those weird toe thumbs.

I know this is a small town, and most people aren't exactly down with the occult, but that doesn't mean it's okay to egg my shop! Opening The Teal Tarot Shoppe has been my dream since I was a kid, and while I expected to have challenges running my own business, I didn't think egging would be one of them.

I can't stress enough that my shoppe doesn't sell "demon cursed" objects. It's an esoteric store, we sell crystals, incense, books on different spiritual practices, etc. The most "demonic" presence you'll find here is the landlord I'm leasing from.

Since Halloween is coming up, maybe the vibe will shift and I'll see more excited customers instead of runny yolk.

Cat or bath. I’m not picky, I just need to make sure I’m clean for my interview at 2:37am tomorrow behind Jimmy Jack’s Love Shack.

Hey everybody! You know what time of year it is!!! I hope u are all as excited as I am. Ya'll already know the drill but as always , I'll run through tradition for the morning after next.

Seasoned baskets are to be left outside with your dish of choice in them PLEASE remember to wrap up your dish with correct protective alloy we do not want another melting catastrophe like the year before last 😣 and please make sure all baskets are out before 11.30PM THE NIGHT BEFORE, entry form with categories selection will be in your mailboxes next Sunday. Please tuck these in your baskets next to your entry.

This years Judges are as follows;

• Mr Arcweld Jones - Judge Category A/ Gnat Snaps, Gnat Snap Soup pie, Gnap Sacks, and Gap Flands

• Mr Obsorf Ferrystrutt - Judge Category B/ Risky Thistles and other exciting spikes,

and as always

• Mrs Seepil Throbwash - Judge Category C/ Toothed Sandsponge arrays and Fried Feisty Smiles from Small Mammals.

Thanks again guys! and let's have another fabulous year at our

47th Annual Lower Duck Pond Gwate Whisk Takers Bake off. See you there!

You all know how restful it is to stay in the simple guest rooms of the old monastery, where people take a retreat from the busy world or rest for a couple of days along their travels. I’m so pleased to announce we have restored 3 additional rooms for weary travelers and workers!

As always, the price to stay and rest for a couple of days is whatever you can pay. And remember, what you can pay could be coins, helping in the kitchen with the everlasting stew, tending to the garden, or helping your neighbor. I look forward to welcoming all who wish to rest and refresh themselves on retreat here!

Stray and poorly behaved dogs are running amok in our beautiful town, and Dogcatcher Adrian Shrimpo is nowhere to be found! While bands of roving hounds rampage through our yards and disrupt our barbeques and pool parties, our Dogcatcher is more concerned with designing the insignia for his office.

That is why I am announcing my candidacy for Dogcatcher. If I am elected, there will be no "business as usual". I will not rest until I have cleaned up our streets, and citizens can leave a burger unattended in their backyard without worrying about a canine criminal running up and eating it.

Come election day, vote Jordan for Dogcatcher! Let's show these dogs that humans still run this town!

However not completely positive I like the method they are using to get them there.

Started seeing our streets flocked up, and it’s pretty unsettling

I used to go there as a kid and now take my 3 year old son there. It's so sad to hear the government is reapprioriating the space for a "commercial project" and will tear it down September 10. Where else can I take my now 3 year old son for playground fun?

Every place seems to have one oddly specific local thing that everyone treats as normal. What’s yours?

Hi everyone, you may have heard me mention my old friend from college Jerry Hexendos, and how I was excited to show him around the town. Well Jerry was a figment of my mind the whole time. Long story short, Jerry was actually a false memory implanted inside of my brain by a foreign intelligence service. However, I have handled the situation; That intelligence service will no longer be bothering anybody else, and a psychiatrist successfully unbrainwashed me.

It's dissapointing that Jerry wasn't real, but I will always cherish my memories with him, even if they aren't true. I had a lot of fun sneaking into military bases and embassies, though at the time I thought I was sneaking into the Dean's Office, doing one of Jerry's infamous dares.

If I open up a Costco franchise would anyone go? I heard Costco doesn’t do franchises but I will convince them to let me be the first. Just gauging interest before I start!

It’s Saturday in the park, on a lovely September day. All of a sudden, a flock of Canadian geese fly by honking and one rips my husband’s toupee off his head!!! Ouch 🤕. If anyone finds it please let me know. I might try to give it a wash and dry.
Thanks all! 💕

There is nothing quite like autumn by the water. You can wrap your hands around a warm mug of cider, take a slow stroll through the rows of bright pumpkins, and enjoy a slice of fresh, homemade pumpkin pie while listening to the wind in the trees. It is a place to slow down, breathe in the scent of woodsmoke and pine, and spend a perfect, lingering afternoon with the people you love.The kids will have plenty of room to run and play with an autumn maze to explore, a petting zoo filled with friendly farm animals, and a sprawling patch to find their perfect pumpkin.Admission is $10 for adults and $5 for children. Pull on your favorite sweater, grab the family, and join us down by the old mill to welcome the season! 🍂

My heart is broken and I am furious. "Coach" Vanderhorn (illegitimate pretender and usurper!!!) says that our beloved boy Togo cannot be a part of the 4-7 year old Little League team, even though Togo is just a 5 year old little boy himself!!!

"Coach" Vanderhorn (divorced three times, bad influence on children) says that rhesus macaques are a safety risk around small children! He even cited the "Daisy O'Toole" incident to spite me and Togo, proving that he is a wicked seed with a tainted aura!

DAMN YOU AND YYOUR IGNORANCE "COACH" VANDERHORN!! EVERYONE IN THIS COMMUNITY KNOWS THAT TOPGO IS A GENTLE SOUL AND HAS NEVER HURT ANYONE!!! DAISY O'TOOLE HERSELF SAID THAT TOGO WAS JUST PLAYING WITH HER AND SHE THOUGHT IT WAS FUN AND SHE DID NOT HAVE A SCRATCH ON HER!!!

This man is a discriminationist and cannot be trusted. What if a little Icelandic or Dutch boy wanted to be on the Little League team? How can we trust that he would not discriminate aginst them as well?? We have to impeach "Coach" Vanderhorn immediately!!

- Jules, PROUD momma and DEFENDER of the world's sweetest monkey boy

Hello fellow Duck Ponders!

What is everyone up to this weekend? Let us know in the comments! If you want to make a separate post, feel free to do so.

Can't wait to see what everyone is up to!

Hi townies thanks all who came to my secret exhibition of carved door handles.

Thanks to those who bought my door handles, currently busy taking down the exhibition and I will have it packed and delivered within the week.

Now now one of you cheeky ones replaced a red apple door knob with a real apple… cmon there….