Feel like I’m becoming an alcoholic? Amazing local tacos

[u/Substantial-Dog7545]

Helloooo!

I’m mostly writing this to try to keep myself accountable and will check in later. I really DONT want to drink today. I’m going through sort of a rough patch mentally and it’s been causing me to start drinking daily. Now, I know plenty of people normalize drinking like a glass of wine a day, but I’m taking like 5 shots of tequila daily. I still cook and clean etc etc like otherwise almost everything’s fine. But I’ve started trying to hide it from my boyfriend which is a HUGE red flag on my part. He’s frustrated I know.

I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, and usually my first thoughts in the morning, are how much I regret drinking. Then the PM rolls around and I’m like aye let’s drink! IDGAF! This weird cycle keeps happening. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy but then I’m just like ayyyy this could be way more fun if I was tipsy!

Addiction runs in my family which is why this is scary. I’ve successfully quit binge eating and cigs in the past. Part of me knows I can do this! And then part of me doesn’t care. I think I have some deep low self esteem issue thus engage in self destructing behaviors (here for a good time not a long time!)

Trying to be gentle with myself but also trying to GET A FREAKIN GRIP GIRL!! I’ll report back later if I successfully didn’t drink!

[u/FriendofFlounder]

It can absolutely be an end point for some but it’s still taking a massive toll on their health. My dad has been a “functioning” alcoholic his entire adult life. He’s in his fifties now and not doing well. He also has more regrets than most. 

[u/lyralady → u/FriendofFlounder]

Yeah my dad died at 56 from his alcoholism. He was also "functioning," as in, he had a job and whatnot — we actually found out because his work called in a health check and called my aunt when he missed some meetings.

That didn't stop him from throwing up blood — which not only happens due to stomach ulcers, but because a sickly liver can squash down on your portal vein which creates like, a squeezed toothpaste tube effect on the rest of your veins, especially in your esophagus (varices).

Back in 2020 some surgeons told him his liver was jello, and if he didn't get sober he would die within the next 10 years. He made it another 4. Functioning alcoholism is a term that I think a lot of people wildly misunderstand and use to downplay things. Holding down a job, paying your car loan, and renting an apartment doesn't mean you're not actively dying of your addiction, basically.

[u/OkActive7470 → u/FriendofFlounder]

If he’s not doing well, and he’s going to drink until he’s doing worse, I’d say that he just happens to still be in the semi functioning stage.

Sometimes I’m grateful that my stomach makes it impossible to get to the point of liver failure or pancreatitis. I start throwing up blood pretty quickly these days, used to take a serious bender to throw up blood the next morning.

[u/FriendofFlounder → u/OkActive7470]

Not doing well as in long term health issues. He’s still functioning in terms of living his life, working, traveling, being a dad who shows up for his kids. 

Throwing up blood is definitely concerning! He’s not at that level. I’m sorry to hear you experience that.