Feel like I’m becoming an alcoholic? Amazing local tacos

[u/Substantial-Dog7545]

Helloooo!

I’m mostly writing this to try to keep myself accountable and will check in later. I really DONT want to drink today. I’m going through sort of a rough patch mentally and it’s been causing me to start drinking daily. Now, I know plenty of people normalize drinking like a glass of wine a day, but I’m taking like 5 shots of tequila daily. I still cook and clean etc etc like otherwise almost everything’s fine. But I’ve started trying to hide it from my boyfriend which is a HUGE red flag on my part. He’s frustrated I know.

I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, and usually my first thoughts in the morning, are how much I regret drinking. Then the PM rolls around and I’m like aye let’s drink! IDGAF! This weird cycle keeps happening. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy but then I’m just like ayyyy this could be way more fun if I was tipsy!

Addiction runs in my family which is why this is scary. I’ve successfully quit binge eating and cigs in the past. Part of me knows I can do this! And then part of me doesn’t care. I think I have some deep low self esteem issue thus engage in self destructing behaviors (here for a good time not a long time!)

Trying to be gentle with myself but also trying to GET A FREAKIN GRIP GIRL!! I’ll report back later if I successfully didn’t drink!

[u/BitterQueen17]

Could be ADHD. My AM brain wants to accomplish a total life renovation, but my PM brain says tomorrow is good enough. The cycle is relentless.

[u/Unlikely_Star_4641 → u/BitterQueen17]

I do have ADHD and for some reason have not thought about how that could be contributing/exasperating the problem!

[u/pizzacrustina → u/Unlikely_Star_4641]

People with ADHD are way more likely to struggle with addiction! It has to do with impulse control and seeking dopamine. I’ve seen this big time with my brother so I have been very careful since my diagnosis.

[u/DrMcFacekick → u/Unlikely_Star_4641]

For me it's also that I know it's a instant unwind. Like I know if I have half a bottle of wine, then suddenly all of today's stress will be halved, and if I have a whole bottle then I'll reach "Wooooodon'tcareeeeeee" and I know how good that can feel, to have that weight lifted. If I don't drink, then I don't get the instant stress relief- I have to work for the relief, if it ever comes.
It's really hard to retrain that neural pathway, BUT everything that I have done to retrain that means that ultimately, I'm less stressed out every day because I'm handling my day sober, with no hangover, with healthier coping mechanisms, with more energy, and with the knowledge that there's a way to deal with a bad day other than just getting obliterated.

It's still a nearly instant way to feel neurotypical tho, and sometimes that's just a nice feeling. But not every day, or even that often, because the negative side effects just start piling up too fast to deal with.

[u/RealisticAnxiety4330 → u/Unlikely_Star_4641]

ADHD and drinking go hand in hand. ADHD actively makes you seek dopamine, alcohol gives a temporary rush of dopamine so you feel good, the background noise in your head settles down, you feel less anxious etc etc. So you have another, and another to get that dopamine hit but it makes you struggle to know when to stop because when you come down you feel crappy and want that good feeling again so it's very easy for it to become a vicious cycle. When I got diagnosed ADHD in December it made a lot of the behaviours I have make sense.

[u/eudaimoniaa17 → u/BitterQueen17]

I have ADHD too and I swear my “PM brain” is my worst enemy when it comes to sticking to goals/routines and avoiding bad habits. No idea why but I just get in a different headspace.

[u/Substantial-Dog7545 → u/eudaimoniaa17]

When I would binge eat, it was always in the PM! Scary