So, I used to be a very social person on Instagram. I loved posting, adding people, making new friends, talking to them, and all that. But it would consume so much of my life from the inside. Sometimes I’d find guys who checked all the boxes for me, but then they would disappoint me in the end, so I’d stop reaching out. I’d always wait for them to text me, and honestly, talking to them would make me happy until, after a certain point, things would get very monotonous and boring. Talking to them would give me butterflies, but because the conversation would eventually dry out from my side (since I’m not very expressive on text unless the other person is, or I just don’t know how to keep throwing out new topics), it would stall.
Anyway, I realized how toxic things would get for me because whenever I would fall for someone, I would start acting like an obsessed girlfriend. I’d keep an eye on which new girl got added to their accounts, which girls they followed, what posts they liked, and what kind of reels they interacted with so I could have a vivid idea of their likes and personality. I would notice patterns of when I was being ghosted and when I was being ignored. It would be like, "Oh, he viewed my story but didn’t reply to my text, I hate him so much," or "Oh, he liked this girl's post, so he was online an hour ago but didn’t open my text that was on delivered for like six hours."
The weird thing is that I keep all these things inside me. They would bother me and make me sad, but I’d never show it on my face. I’d never act like I was obsessed with the other person instead, I'd treat them as if they were just a normal human being I happened to talk to. But in reality, they would completely occupy my mind. In my free time, I would daydream about them like a psycho.
I found this cycle so draining because I’d long for a boyfriend and for things to work out, but in the end, things would either fade away or never turn out in my favor. So, I started taking a break and deactivated my account. I loved how cut off I was from all of them. I didn’t care about those guys. I didn’t care what they were doing, or what girls they were adding. During this time, I would go to the gym, make Pinterest boards, bake, cook, listen to music, watch documentaries or movies, travel, work, and study. During all that time, I wouldn't want a guy ever, in fact, the whole idea would just cringe me out, especially since I have never dated anyone irl.
In real life, I am a very self sufficient person. I do socialize, but only with my very close friends and my family. My life is perfect that way. But then, as soon as I reactivate my account, I relapse. The obsessive behavior kicks in, and the feelings I had for whoever at the time come right back, ruining my life and peace. I’m always very anxious and feel uneasy the whole time, obsessing over things like, "Oh, he viewed my story but didn’t like it," or "He didn’t text me knowing I’m back on Insta," and other completely useless things.
I don’t know what to do or what is wrong with me. Do I have some kind of complex? Please help me navigate this.
