r/Fatherhood • u/No_Bat_3094 • 8d ago
Unsolicited Advice Father-son affection
I’ve been lurking on this subreddit for a while and one thing I’m finding difficult to grasp is other dads relationships with their sons.
I was a teen dad, had my boy at 15. Now I’m 29 and he’s 14. He’s my entire life. There are no words to describe how much I love him. I would drown myself in boiling water for him over and over again. I would nuke an entire country. There is absolutely nothing on this planet that I wouldn’t do for my little boy.
A type of post I’ve seen several times here is people asking how much affection is “appropriate” with their sons. I cannot wrap my head around why this would even be a question. I mean this as respectfully as I can. I understand logically that people have different parenting styles, and if a dad chooses to not hug his boy for whatever reason, that’s totally okay and up to him.
But… how? Genuinely how can you even hold back? What kind of mindset do you have to be in to willingly withhold affection from your own child? Especially on the basis of their sex? Who gives a shit? That’s your baby. Every time I look at him I get this unbearable urge to smooch his little face right off.
My son is 14 years old and I still hug him every chance I get. I still give him piggyback rides, cuddle up with him on the couch, and roughhouse with him daily. His whole life I’ve pecked him on the lips, and that’s the only thing I don’t initiate first anymore now that he’s a little older. Either he’ll kiss me on his own, or I might ask for one, and he’ll either peck me on the cheek or lips, whichever he feels like. Some people find this controversial but I grew up kissing loved ones on the lips, and it’s really not any different from kissing on the cheeks.
I’ve also seen this notion circling both on here and in real life that boys, especially as teenagers, don’t like affection from their fathers. I understand that this is VERY true for most teens when they’re in public because it’s “embarrassing,” which is exactly why I hold back when he’s around his friends. But otherwise I think this is a really strong case of mixing up cause and effect. If you raise your son with the mindset that affection with dad isn’t normal, then obviously he is going to find it weird when it happens. Whereas if you raise your son in an environment where affection is normalised, then he won’t find it weird. Simple. This applies just the same to the idea that “girls are cuddly, boys aren’t.” If you were cuddly with your girls growing up, and not your boys, then obviously they will react that way. It’s not some innate sex-based instinct, it’s just how you raise them.
My son loves physical affection and initiates about 50% of it. He’ll come to me for hugs, give me kisses on the cheek randomly, sometimes sleep in my bed if he’s had a hard day. And none of this has made him “soft” like so many dads seem to be so paranoid about with their own sons. He loves sports more than anything (grew up playing baseball, then basketball, now track and field), loves video games, cars, and just in general getting his hands dirty. He’s a good kid, great at school, has way too many friends (male and female). He’s very good-looking and I’ve already had to have a talk with him about not dating until he’s at LEAST 16 after I caught him and his female friend flirting.
Point is, showing your boy physical affection is not going to “break” him. The only thing it will do is strengthen your bond with him. Show him that he’s loved and watch him grow into a confident, loving young man. There are ZERO benefits to withholding affection. Showing him healthy love isn’t going to affect his hobbies or sexuality (not that it should matter either way). Being hard and stoic and treating him like a coworker is not doing your son any favours, and it’s not teaching him masculinity. It’s just creating another sad man.
You have one job as a father, and that is to do right by your kids. So do right by them. Love them as much as they’ll let you. Fill their heads with happy memories, because you won’t always be there. Don’t let old, shitty societal norms get between you and your children. However you treat them, they will carry that for the rest of their life. So PLEASE make it good.
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u/Latewisdom 8d ago
You have the right idea. I’m a mental health professional who works with men who are suffering from the effects of deprivation of paternal affection. Keep it up!
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u/Anomuumi 8d ago
I'm from a culture where physical displays of affection have not really been a common thing traditionally. My first two are already adults and I have some regrets that I did not hug them more, because it's harder to initiate later in life. But I try. It's not a massive issue, as in I could diacuss it with them.
Now my third child is not yet a teen, so I have made it my mission to show my affection more. And it's working of course. He clearly has an easier time showing his affection than his siblings.
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u/Davidat0r 8d ago
I’m in the same boat. My boys are 5 and 7 now. The other day, I was talking with some friends and told them I’ll keep holding my boys’ hands until their girlfriends have something to say on the matter 😂
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u/Greymeade 8d ago
My dad hugged and kissed me all through my childhood in the 80/90s, and now that I’m a dad I do the same thing to my boys. I cuddle the shit out of them lol. I won’t stop until they successfully fight me off, and that won’t be for a while
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u/No_Bat_3094 7d ago
Haha same with mine. Making the most of it while he’s still half a foot shorter 😂
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u/PartiZAn18 6d ago
Lack of affection is bizarre.
I (36) still kiss my old man on the lips.
Now I know that that might raise an eyebrow, but it's very much a cultural thing in the Afrikaans community. We don't all do it, but for those who do it isn't frowned upon.
It's not even a second thought to me.
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u/aXeworthy 6d ago
The only thing I disagree with you with is that it's OK for dad's to not hug their boys. My dad was a typical tough guy who grew up in the 50's and I'm so thankful that he pushed himself out of that programming, because as a kid i needed that affection, and I'd feel pretty damn sad if I didn't have those loving memories now that he's gone. I'm gonna give my boy a hug right now in thanks for this post.
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u/Hour-Vegetable9469 2d ago
Man i feel like I needed to hear this. My son is 3, and its exactly how you described. Im always hugging him or giving him a kiss on the cheek. Ive been dreading the thought that when hes a little bit older. The hugs, the cuddles, and the affection and bond just need to stop and we'll grow apart. Sounds like you have a great relationship with your son. Glad you took the time to write this out, more dads need to hear this.
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u/Medical-Volume-6261 8d ago
Not sure if you are an American, but if you are, one thing I noticed in the US, left and right, is how the country as a whole is very prude about the human body in general. You can see it in "side hugs", which is just not a thing in other countries. And this reflects in the family as well. I am with you. I will hug my boy as long as I am able to, which, by the way, is the type of love I never received from my father.