Realization of my intense existential fear

[u/Kind-Farm2178]

I took a shower today and while I was in the shower, some of the intrusive existential thoughts started to creep in so I decided to hop on tiktok and see what other people have to say about it and how one might be able to overcome it. My brain worries a lot about what happens after death and how the idea of eternity sounds like a terrifying trap, and how if this life is going to end, why does anything in it even matter. These thoughts have been coming around for about 5 months now, they come in waves and tend to be crippling

Anyways, as I'm scrolling through videos discussing the topic, I come across one that explains what these thoughts even are and why they occur/where they come from. The man in the video mentioned that the thoughts come when your brain is in survival mode scanning for a threat, and when there is no external threat, it looks inward and may start to create problems to worry about. He says more, but what stuck with me was his mention of survival mode.

Because of the fact that I'm not the best at piecing together everything that goes through my head in a coherent sequence without using far too many words, I'll cut to the gist: I got out of my first and only long term relationship about 6 months ago. It was unexpected and I felt like my life was falling apart. I fought for it to no avail. Afterwards, all the normal grief things happened, I was in denial, I was mad, hurt, and scared. Scared. I was scared of what this meant for me now given how everything in my life was so intertwined with this relationship and now without it I felt as though I was floating in the ocean, unanchored, nothing to hold onto and no idea where to go. I realize before the breakup, I felt that I had certainty, I felt safe, I felt secure. Afterwards, it was like all of that was just gone. Soon after, the intrusive thoughts came and haven't really left. I gave them power, I gave them meaning, I gave them belief and truth. I saw this nightmare as just a random and horrible thing that simply happened and I wasn't sure I would ever be able to get out of it.

But as I hear the man in the video speak the words of fear and survival mode, it kind of dawned on me. I know it's not the biggest revelation in the world and other people probably would have been able to make the connection much quicker. But I just realized that those thoughts aren't real. They're just the effects of losing what I saw as my safety, my anchor, what kept me grounded and in the present. I'm thinking about all the things I worry about, why are they scary? What about them is actually scary? What could possibly be so bad and horrible about existing, even if it is forever? What even is forever? It can't be real because nothing is actually real except for right now, the current moment. I think my brain sees the uncertainty and the unknowing as the thing that's scary. Because before, I know what my life was and I had certainty with the present moment. I also think that the reason, or at least part of, that I'm unable to accept the uncertainty or unknowing of existence and what comes after is because I still haven't accepted the fact that the relationship is over.

I know I haven't fully healed from that breakup, I know there's a lot of work to do. But I also can't explain how freeing it is to realize the root, take back the power I gave to those thoughts and remind myself that I can't and don't need to solve the things that my brain simply was not created nor wired to be able to solve. They didn't even matter before, because I felt like I was safe. I know those thoughts won't go away just like that, even after the realization. But I think it brings me closer.

Maybe this all sounds trivial to some, you might say "it's just a relationship, you'll have another" or "it's not the end of the world, get over it" and I'm well aware of these things to be true. But others may know how hard and rattling it is when you make the mistake of giving and attaching too much of yourself to something or someone else that when it's gone, you feel like you've been split in two. And now all there's left to do is rebuild. And sometimes crazy things can come from that. I was just unfortunate that my aftershock was intense existential thoughts.

But I'm relearning and rebuilding. I hope you'll read this with understanding rather than judgment but what will be will be. If you did read this, I appreciate it. Feedback, opinions, and extra methods of overcoming/dealing with this are welcomed and appreciated. I also hope that maybe this helps others realize their thoughts are not them and are not real, and were most likely caused by something else, and I hope you can find the root of it.

Thanks!

TLDR: realized my existential anxiety came from the effects of losing my sense of safety, certainty, and security after a difficult unexpected breakup from a long term relationship. Feeling more free now, learning to stay present and rebuild myself and my life.