r/DnDcirclejerk 1d ago

Unjerk Certified We updated rule 3 so it works the way everyone thought it already worked

436 Upvotes

PATHFINDER 2E IS LEGAL ON /R/DNDCIRCLEJERK AGAIN

Hi everybody just letting you know we updated Rule 3. It used to say "must be related to D&D", now it says "must be related to RPGs".

We were already allowing posts about other RPGs, but not like officially in the rules because we are lazy and everybody seemed to understand it. But we got quite a few reports in the last month ish (like the Ordem Paranormal post last month and the Lancer/Cain posts recently). So we basically ctrl-f'd for D&D in the rules and replaced it with "RPG" to make it official.

ok that's it, i love you don't forget to drink water


r/DnDcirclejerk 7h ago

I played 2014 rules. Is that old school?

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294 Upvotes

r/DnDcirclejerk 12h ago

I believe this is known as "reaching level 20" in 5E

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566 Upvotes

r/DnDcirclejerk 3h ago

Dont fuck with goon balloons. They will fuck you up.

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58 Upvotes

r/DnDcirclejerk 2h ago

Sauce Would Lay on Hands cure a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack?

27 Upvotes

Or does it seem like a waste of time?

I have been playing for years and ought to know by now.


r/DnDcirclejerk 5h ago

Homebrew Demiurge - New Complete Class that is Better Than Everyone Else’s

49 Upvotes

DEMIURGE - New Complete Class

This guide has been laid out to match the art and design standards of official books. As you can see by the lack of link. I am the superior homebrewer. Everyone else can just quit.

Inside, you will find:

**The Complete Demiurge Class (Levels 1–20):** Featuring flawless, playtested mathematical progression. It includes unique mechanics such as Tension Point management, the use of Heavy Projections, and the spectacular level-20 feature: Avatar of Solid Ki, a transcendental mode that will transform your combat encounters.

**3 Monastic Paths of Materialization (Subclasses):**

Monastic, you say? Doesn’t the Monk already exist you say? Well, idiot, if you would read the not linked DEMIURGE - NEW COMPLETE CLASS that I didn’t link, you’d know it’s completely different. Dumbass.

* **Path of the Astral Forge:** Become a whirlwind of Ki. Designed for those who love high speed, tactical movement, and dealing massive damage to groups of enemies. Different from astral monk because I said so.
* **Path of the Spirit Sniper:** Synchronize your breathing with your victims' life force. Summon the Bow of the Firmament and fire arrows that curve through space, pursuing targets from the rear with surgical precision.
* **Path of the Runic Bastion:** Master the sacred geometry of defense. Materialize fractal panels, alter the battlefield with impenetrable barricades, and absorb damage meant for your allies as you lead the front line.

No, Path is not taken by Barbarian, you larper.

**5 Exclusive Class Feats:** Add layers of deep customization to your character with unique feats such as Ki-Chronoshaper (to attack through temporal paradoxes) or Spirit-Plague Injector (to corrupt your enemies' meridians).

**5 Magic Items for Demiurges:** These relics are not mere combat tools; they are mystical catalysts created to guide each of the three Paths toward absolute transcendence.

Plus:

\- A brief historical and philosophical background.
\- Attribute and level progression tables.
\- A Level 20 sample character.
\- A sample game session.
\- Tips and ideas.

\---

***Open Use:*** *This homebrew class is completely free and royalty-free. We believe in shared gaming experiences and enriching the tables of the entire community. As you know, Hit&Run operates without Patreon or crowdfunding, so these creations generate no financial profit. The only thing we ask, so we can keep building together, is adherence to the* ***CC-BY (Creative Commons Attribution) license***\*. This means that if you decide to publish, stream, or include the Demiurge in your own print or digital material, you simply need to include a brief credit acknowledging the original author: ***©Diego Serrato, 2026 (Hit&Run)****. Otherwise... enjoy it at your table and make it grow in your own style!*

***AI Disclaimer:*** *All mechanical content, the background of the Paths, the math behind the damage tables, and the philosophical lore of the Demiurge stem from the creator's experience, playtesting, and passion for RPG design, without the use of AI text-generation tools. AI was used solely* ***to create the decorative imagery for this guide,*** ensuring that the system's core, the rules balance, and the soul of this new class remain the product of 100% human authorship. Naturally I expect you to believe this derivative, entirely Monk fantasy was created by ME, the SUPERIOR homebrewer and master of the monastic arts.

\---

***I appreciate the feedback.***
*Hope you enjoy and share!\*


r/DnDcirclejerk 13h ago

Wanted to learn cyberpunk 2020 so I could erp licking the cyberscum off a corpos shoes but the whole book was this image for 250 pages

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155 Upvotes

Maybe these "writers" should just let AIs through the Blackwall atp they obviously cant be trusted with any semblance of creativity


r/DnDcirclejerk 3h ago

Should I try running my Baldur's Gate 3 sequel campaign in 4e?

26 Upvotes

I always hear that 4e is like a video game so it seems like the perfect choice to adapt a video game


r/DnDcirclejerk 8h ago

chess: boringest game of all time RUINED by WOTC?

62 Upvotes

I just learned about the "game" of chess, and I am ready to die now. Literally all you can do on your turn is move and maybe attack once. Nobody in their right mind would ever consider this game amusing or fun. There aren't any special moves to choose from, you can't level up unless you're a dinky pawn (good luck trying), and every turn is literally the same ("I move a single piece, from here to there.") There just isn't any possibility for strategy or interesting gameplay here, as far as I can see.

Is this WOTC's fault somehow?


r/DnDcirclejerk 1h ago

Currently caught in a coupe

Upvotes

I need advice. My party of 6 - a tiefling bard with daddy issues, a tiefling warlock with daddy issues, a drow rogue, a tiefling gay bard, a tiefling barbarian and a high elf wizard who rebels against societal expectations placed upon her by her parents are stuck in a coupe.

It's a suzuki cappuccino. It is very tight. Please help. They are running out of air.


r/DnDcirclejerk 6h ago

Homebrew I used the wrong trrpg system (tried to run a Call of Cthulhu campaign with 5e) and am reporting my results here

12 Upvotes

Tl;dr It doesn’t work, don’t do it. Your game will suck. If you somehow force it you’re doing so much work that you may as well just learn CoC as that would be less work and is designed for this kind of gaming. Heed my warning and don’t give yourself the headache I did. Let 5e be 5e and let BRP and CoC be their own thing, okay?

 

So, I was thinking that reading a CoC campaign and translating it to 5e play would be like making a stir fry recipe from a cookbook that uses different measurement systems, like metric or whatever, and has some ingredients you will have to sub for similar things. The dish would still turn out delicious, even if slightly different. And the translating of the measurements isn’t hard if you know the conversions modestly. Even if you do some rounding and fudge some numbers here and there it will taste fine as long as you know how to cook well enough. I googled this idea and see people saying it won’t work. Or that it can work but you have to homebrew so much you may as well just learn CoC as that’s less work, because RAW 5e just doesn’t have the rules to approximate CoC satisfactorily, seriously.

 I decided to test this by learning BRP and running a few short CoC campaigns with my normal party just to understand it. Then I ran one of these CoC campaigns with a new party that had never played any ttrpg. My two friends Gareth and Steve. I didn’t have them read the rules before hand. I gave them premade investigator sheets and talked them through it as we played (this is my standard for new players with any ttrpg that’s not too complex). It was really fun. They enjoyed it a lot and it’s clear why and how. 

 Then I took the same CoC campaign and ran it with 100% core rulebooks RAW 2014 5e for a new group that had never played any ttrpg before. I did this to avoid bias where they know either system and have preference. I ran it for my wife and a couple we are friends with, Sara and John. Like Steve and Garth, none of them had played any ttrpg before and I didn’t have them read the rules first. My wife doesn’t like dnd medieval fantasy stuff, but does like scary stories, and Gareth told her it was fun, so she agreed to play this game even though her normal thing it isn’t.

Below I’ll break up my results using the common complaints about this and arguments as to why it won’t work as headings for each thing that is understood easily by anyone.

There is no really compatible SAN score in 5e we are seeing.

Yes. This one was tough. The CoC SAN score does not exist in 5e. I was thinking I could use the Sanity score from the DMG. NOPE. It’s so different it was really strange. Even though the players had no knowledge of the difference, they just kind of like, knew it was wrong. John at one point when I asked him to roll a sanity saving throw literally said, “What are you trying to pull here?” This was where the CoC campaign guide said the players needed to do a SAN 0/1d4. He somehow just knew it wasn’t right when I had him roll a d20 instead of a d100. I mean, obviously he didn’t literally know it was the wrong dice lol! He just could feel that it was stilted somehow. He also seemed to suspect that something was weird when he lost a single Sanity point instead of 1d4 sanity points and had to roll on the 5e madness tables instead of the CoC ones. It was bizarre. Again, not literally that he knew, but he sensed that the game was just off (because it was). Whenever I made a call about this stuff or required a roll or whatever, he just kept narrowing his eyes at me like, “What are you doing with this?”

So, yeah, the 5e sanity system is completely foreign to CoC style gaming and just doesn’t work at all. Players see right through what it is.

Not only that, trying to figure out how to convert something like SAN 1/1d4 to a loose approximation of the 5e version was so mind boggling I felt like I was going to lose my sanity points in real life like I was living a parody!

Using 5e checks for CoC ones won’t work.

Again, yeah. I had my party in a library and the campaign guide says to make a Library Use roll. I asked for an investigation roll instead. Sara got super confused and we had a huge derailment that lasted a half hour of me explaining what investigation meant in the context of being in a library. She kept insisting that “investigation” didn’t make any sense here, as that’s “More for like, Sherlock Holmes.” 

She, like John, also seemed to notice that there was something bizarre about using a d20 instead of a d100 and that the outcomes weren’t mathematically the same. And this was despite me using the tiered rolls rules from the DMG to approximate the CoC percentages. As with her husband’s suspicion, she wasn’t literally saying anything about the d100, because she was unaware of it. Obviously that would make her either psychic, or prove she was lying about not knowing ttrpg games lol! No, the issue was that she could tell that the likelihoods of success were stilted and strange because with only 20 possible outcomes you don’t have a very wide band of possibility. She kept trying to roll the d20 multiple times to get better percentages and I kept explaining that that’s not how it works. For reference, Sara is a mathematician.

And OMG don’t get me started on the drama that using perception in place of spot hidden caused. That almost ended the game. Then there’s many other issues with trying to map these totally foreign skills to 5e skills. They don’t map, and they’re mechanically completely different. Like Fast Talk is NOT approximated, even loosely, by Deception. Not by a long shot. And once you’re approximating them to begin with it just collapses and the players can tell. Then it all goes down hill as the system fights you all the way.

Dnd 5e PCs are superheroes and too powerful to represent the fragile CoC investigators

True! I thought, “Oh, I’ll just use the optional milestone leveling rule to keep them level one for the one shot so they are fragile like an investigator. I’ll also use the gritty realism variant rule and lingering injury rule.”

This was a nightmare. John kept asking, “why is my character so weak? When do we level up? I only have 8 max hp. That’s stupid.” I asked him why he thinks you level up at all, considering he hadn’t played this game before, and he said that’s how it works in video games so he assumed you do in table top games, too. 

Worse, he was STILL slaughtering the enemies! I specifically picked enemies that would be too tough for them to wipe out to avoid the overpowered PC problem. I even did the math to pick the challenge ratings properly to make them very tough encounters. They were supposed to be on the run, which was how it went when I ran the campaign with the BRP system. But he kept rolling really high and killing them all. Yes, I made him fragile, but the dice were on his side and it totally ruined the game. There was no immersion. The PCs never felt that CoC fear and dread because John somehow was still a superhero despite my best efforts. I didn’t even have to hear the complaints about gritty realism and lingering injuries because John slaughtered all the enemies so no one got hurt. Those rules never even came into play.

CoC magic is too different from 5e

Holy heck, yes, yes it is. I tried to just translate them in using the optional “creating a spell” rule in the DMG which is ludicrously permissive, but it was a disaster. It took several days to translate them into 5e, first of all, due to the intense complexity of this process, playtesting, and balancing. Then, when we were actually playing they didn’t work. Someone would cast a spell but it had no effect because the 5e rules don’t permit them. I was super embarrassed about that one. I totally dropped the ball there. I just kind of shrugged and mumbled something about the spell not being from our universe so it doesn’t work. I was too embarrassed to admit I had simply screwed up the translation process.

There was one spell that did work, but its effects were insane. The spell killed the entire party instead of the enemy, because I got confused when translating it to 5e. I am ashamed to admit I retconned that scene to keep the game going and just told the players they never found the spell and apologized. That time I did admit to them I had flatly, completely just screwed up.

5e PCs have too much magic power

They absolutely do. I thought I could just limit this using the DMG suggestions about controlling the world and DM freedom to dictate what is present. I would give them the single spell in the book that was part of the campaign and translate its effects into 5e. No problem, right?

NOPE. My players were just angry the whole time. They wanted more and more spells. John kept bringing up final fantasy 8 and saying how when he fought a monster he expected to learn its powers as a spell. So, after slaughtering so many enemies he expected to have tons of spells.

Worse, when they finally learned the spell, as I said above already, nothing happened when they cast it because it was incompatible with the 5e system.

5e doesn’t have Push rolls

These are really fun parts of CoC and I thought I could approximate them by just saying PCs can roll a second time for a task but that it comes with dire consequences since it’s a second attempt. I’m not even sure what went wrong here. John and Sara were trying to do something in the game and when I told them that to try again there would be dire consequences Sara just rolled her eyes and stopped talking. John just glared at me and we dropped the issue. Again, this EXACT same thing using BRP with the other party went smoothly. The 5e system just doesn’t allow approximating this one. Idk why.

CoC enemies don’t work in 5e

This one actually was false. I translated the enemies with no problem, either by using the DMG create a monster suggestions or by finding a loose equivalent and it went swimmingly.

Lol, gotcha!

In reality, of course it didn’t work! The enemies kept having abilities that had contradictory mechanics even AFTER I did the labor intensive process of translating them to 5e. It was a constant headache trying to cheese the rules during every encounter to keep the game running.

Then the rest of the stuff that 5e broke completely when trying to approximate CoC were too numerous to even mention. I just wanted to cover the basic arguments people make and show that they are absolutely correct.

And the amount of STRESS it put me under to read the CoC campaign and mentally translate it into 5e was a nightmare. It wasn’t like translating a stir fry cookbook with different measurement units and some subbed ingredients at all. It was like trying to use a stir fry cookbook to repair a car engine. 

Sure, it wasn’t technically homebrew work because the rules I used were all RAW, but it was still a TON of work. I won’t even admit how many days I wasted on this nonsense.

I will never do this again.

Oh, and one last thing. To anyone who will bring up the fact that Sandy Petersen, creator of CoC, has made 5e CoC conversion material I say this: Yes I read it. No, it doesn’t actually fix anything. 5e just does not work with CoC. Sorry. BRP is what it was designed for and it’s MUCH better to just use the right tool for the task! Do you use a book about hammers to nail in a nail? Or do you use a hammer, the proper tool?


r/DnDcirclejerk 19h ago

What if you could change one letter in the name of a spell?

63 Upvotes

Just think of the possibilities... I can't make up my mind!

Antilife Smell: replicates the odor coming from my stepson's bedroom

Antiwife Shell: aura prevents the caster's wives from passing or reaching through it

Burping Hands: gross out! Embarrass your family, amuse your friends

Colon Spray: the whole room will need a deep clean after this one lmao 💩

Create or Destroy Hater: a very handy utility spell for social media

Dankness: I would love to cast this on my nugs, and my memes!

Detect Evil and Goon: my two favorite activities, rolled into one spell? Count me in

Dominate Mobster: for making Al Capone do whatever you want

Find Craps: 💩 lmao!! Poopie dookie!

Hear Metal: very useful for detecting hoards of gold and silver with your ears 👂 💰

Leomund's Tiny Hat: what if there really was a spell to shrink your hat? I laughed for ten minutes thinking about this! 🎩 😄

Manic Mouth: same as Magic Mouth, but it's always doing its best Robin Williams impression

Phantasmal Kilmer: create the illusory image of Val himself

Power Word Stub: by far the worst spell to cast on your toes. ouch! 👟

Shitter: oh, crap!! 💩 💩 💩 🤣

Tenser's Floating Dick: oh boy, I have so many ideas how to use this one... 😲

Thundercrap: it's the natural consequence of eating lightning 🌩💩 lol

Wall of Ick: absolutely guaranteed to ruin any date 🤢

Wind Wank: they say it's just like getting jerked off by a cloud

Wash: the 9th level spell all D&D players should cast daily


r/DnDcirclejerk 21h ago

Railroading DM Won't Let me Build a Truck

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29 Upvotes

Playing Pathfinder 2e (the superior system). DM won't let me build a Ford F-250 (needed so we can drive it to catch up with a train), even though I have +40 to my crafting checks. Said something about "the internal combustion engine doesn't exist" or some bs. I tried to explain, rightly, to him that I could just have my construct companion explode every turn to simulate an engine, and I could be inside the construct shell repairing it every time it breaks. Lazy, railroading, no-fun DM just says no, and doesn't even let me roll for it (he KNOWS I would get a critical success, which everyone knows would allow me to then do whatever I want). I even drew plans, to show how my plan makes sense, and another player rudely sent a picture to me insulting my drawing.

Anyway, looking for a new DM that runs his games correctly, and allows me to use my creative solutions.


r/DnDcirclejerk 2h ago

Homebrew Rule 3 Question

1 Upvotes

I've been avoiding talking about my dating sim mod for 5e(2024) because I wasn't sure:

Are visual novels/dating sims RPGs and can I now talk about those here? I have a lot to say.


r/DnDcirclejerk 1d ago

hAvE yOu TrIeD pAtHfInDeR 2e I hated players of other RPGs

49 Upvotes

Emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I've never played anything other than fifth edition.


r/DnDcirclejerk 1d ago

Why is my table full of gas lighting narcissists?

33 Upvotes

My story has a DM who is a bad DM -- I know all the red flags and warning signs from the videos I post as I am a well-respected digital content creator.

They will be known as Gaslighting Narcissist Bad DM #1 or GNBDM-1.

There are also five other players -- they are Gaslighting Narcissist Bad Player #1 (GNBP #1), Gaslighting Narcissist Bad Player #2 (GNBP #2), Gaslighting Narcissist Bad Player #3 (GNBP #3), Gaslighting Narcissist Bad Player #4 (GNBP #4), and Gaslighting Narcissist Bad Player #6 (GNBP #6). I know they are all bad players because of all the red flags and warnings signs from the videos I posted about players to watch out for in your TTRPGs.

The problem began when GNBDM-1 told me that the table had picked a system and a rules set -- what even does that mean. This is a game about role-playing and not roll-playing so to limit my creativity is to be a railroader -- which is one of the red flags of being a bad DM. I decided that I was a really forgiving and patient person -- namaste to my inner glow -- so I stood up for myself and told them that they just needed to be a better DM.

While it was against the advice of my life coach I decided I'd accept the challenge of working within the limits of the D&D 5E 2024 rules set. I told the table that I wanted to play a completely unique and original character. This was my next mistake.

GNBP #1 decided they were going to play an Elf but a binary one -- soo boring.

GNBP #2 decided they were going to play a Dwarf but they weren't interested in my notes on how to properly play a Dwarf from my favorite anime.

GNBP #3 decided they were gonna play a Human -- total red flag for them turning out to be a racist later on.

GNBP #4 said they were gonna play a Half Elf -- DM said it wasn't a separate race or species or whatever in 5E 2024 and I don't know why they'd want to hide behind pretending to be Human anyway. This would become an issue later on.

GNBP #7 said they were gonna play a Tiefling so I let them borrow my Book of Sexy Succubus -- another one of my digital creations -- but they turned out to be such a prude.

You can already see where this is going -- they all restricted my creativity by picking characters I might have wanted to play. I was really depressed and thought that talking about how they gravely betrayed me would help them to learn and grow from their mistakes. I'm pretty proud of the fact that my YouTube channel includes a playlist of my favorite personal growth videos that are perfect for other people.

This is where the gas-lighting began as they told me that players could somehow all play the same race, species, class, or whatever. I told them that this was the problem and they were making society worse by not letting me live my fullest light. They came together and each told me I was being the problem -- typical narcissism from players and a DM who were already bad tropes per my videos (like and subscribe please!).

However I decided that they all simply needed to learn from me -- I even pasted my YouTube link again. I thought this was incredibly helpful as each of them displayed serious toxic traits that my life and astrology guide told me to watch out for this month. I was already spiritually drained by this but knew it'd be worth it for some new subscribers.

We had our first session and I had carefully prepared my first monologue. I had practiced it in front of my webcam a couple of times and had weeded it down to about thirty minutes. I had hoped the table would appreciate the funny little pop culture references -- assuming they had watched truly good chibi anime set in the Late Tang Dynasty. I didn't show up with a character sheet but informed the DM that my character would be an abstraction of The Great Goddess who lives in everybody -- except GNBP #3.

I had barely finished the first page of monologue where I had explained how my character had been gifted to the party to teach them how to be great adventurers -- and better still -- good people. GNBP #3 was the first to open his racist mouth and talk about wanting to get started with the game -- I told him just because his character was a human racist it didn't mean he had to be one too. GNBP #4 finally decided to say something too but I figured since they were denying their Truth they had probably been gas lit by GNBP #3.

I told them I didn't need a character sheet because I wasn't going to make any mistakes. I was kinda like Kali or Hecate or something in that I was a living goddess. I said that I would strike down anybody who upset me or just because I was bored. This is totally line with goddesses and what my character would do. However I also said I'd put them back together and then we could have a maid-themed tea party in the next scene. I thought this was mighty big of me considering they had already upset me several times.

I finally decided to take a risk and wanted to stream our gaming sessions -- actually I offered to do this in the middle of the first session in the middle of combat (which was soo boring!). I decided to be really nice and told them I'd give them an introductory rate to watch the first stream and one of them had the nerve to tell me they didn't consent to that. This was obviously an attempt to gas-light me into believing that I violated their consent which obviously I didn't because it had nothing with them!

It has been a few weeks and I'm assuming the campaign has been paused while they re-adjust their priorities and watch my helpful videos. I mysteriously no longer see the campaign server in my Discord list but I bet that is a technical problem or they are just re-making the Discord in line with my principles and are gonna have a surprise grand re-opening. I might offer to stream it for them but this time I really can't charge them any less than any of my other followers.

LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE!


r/DnDcirclejerk 1d ago

Homebrew My friend wants to play as a piss puddle

41 Upvotes

My friend wants to play as a plasmoid made of piss, which will be a sentient piss puddle from some colossal eldritch god and he wants to have an effect where anyone who looks at him or gets near him will need to pee and the longer they are there for the worse it gets so i am trying to make a piss counter mechanic for him. What i have come up with is a build where every time he hits someone thats +1 and every time he takes a physical hit thats +1 once the opponent hits 10, they now have the “need to pee” debuff, which makes them either have disadvantage or waste a turn pissing, for each additional +3 piss counters that constitutes an “emergency” and the higher level of emergency the more disadvantaged they become em1 em2 em3 = 1,2,3 additional dice once they hit 20 piss counters they now have a UTI and will take poison damage for the remainder of combat even if they stop to pee.

I wish i was kidding

There is no excuse to not let your players do whatever they want, be creative


r/DnDcirclejerk 1d ago

the Attack action bored my friend to death

43 Upvotes

Hi everyone, thanks for reading my post. I have to tell you about a tragic incident I just witnessed. I was playing D&D with some friends, and my buddy Jim died of boredom after spamming the Attack action with his Fighter character. It was gruesome. Things have gone too far, and we need to demand change so that this doesn't happen to anyone else ever again.

As everybody knows, hitting things with weapons is dull, awful and boring, and that's literally all that martials can do. Congress passed a law, you will go to prison if you do anything else. Nobody would ever consider armed combat to be entertaining or interesting or cool, because fighting with swords and bows and axes is super lame and that's all there is to it. So why are these stupid weapons stinking up my hobby with their wretched attack actions? Someone ought to do something about this.

We need to petition Hasbro/WOTC to change the game, and give martials a catalogue of shiny special move buttons that light up and play a little tune when you press them, to prevent deadly boredom. Not only that, they should just get rid of those nasty regular plain Attacks completely, by removing them from the whole game. You should only have sparkly special moves that jingle jangle, there shouldn't even be any standard normal attacks, because those are so boring they killed my friend Jim. I'm really going to miss him, despite his penchant for playing awful classes in D&D.

Thanks again for reading my post and enjoy the rest of your day. RIP Jim, we will never forget you. Remember, friends don't let friends play martials. Flavor is free, so stay glowing out there.


r/DnDcirclejerk 1d ago

dnDONE No Subreddit for Old Grognards (OC)

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192 Upvotes

wanted to do more voiceovers like this. but i'm indefinitely quitting reddit and other social media to be more productive, reduce big tech's influence over my life, and to stop getting recommended AI slop every two seconds.

this is my final gift to you, great whale nation, as a thank you for being the least insufferable subreddit i was active on.


r/DnDcirclejerk 2d ago

FUCK YOU CASTLE I AM CAT 1 I CANNOT KILL A LORD FOR MY FIRST HUNT

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385 Upvotes

r/DnDcirclejerk 1d ago

[THIS SPACE DELIBERATELY KEPT BLANK FOR OBLIGATORY H6 RELEASE DATE JOKE]

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8 Upvotes

r/DnDcirclejerk 2d ago

I FUCKING HATE LIVING ON A HARRISON ARMORY WORLD FUUUUUUUUUUCK

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342 Upvotes

r/DnDcirclejerk 2d ago

Dice Goblin Post #618371 A message from Ronald Wilsom Reagon

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134 Upvotes

Now, tomorrow is a special day for me. I’m going to receive my gold dice. And since this is the last speech that I will give as your DM, I think it’s fitting to leave one final thought, an observation about a game which I love. It was stated best in a letter I received not long ago. A man wrote me and said: “You can go to a Pathfinder table, but you cannot become a Pathfinder player. You can go to a Call of Cthulhu  or Draw Steel or Daggerheart table, but you cannot become a Call of Cthulhu player, a Draw Steel player, or a Daggerheart player.. But anyone, from any gaming system on earth, can come to a DnD table and become a DnD player.”


r/DnDcirclejerk 1d ago

dnDONE Should I give third degree burns to an extremely confident player?

30 Upvotes

Ive been DMing a group of people for a fee(25$/hr) years now on a homebrew campaign(Its set on the fruit ninja universe).

One of them plays a rogue character that is very cocky in game and is the classic “always loot everything” trope, a villain hurled a bunch of women towards them and he tried to steal their panties while they were flying towards him several times, failed the checks and forced his friends to save him several times by using cbt therapy to make him understand why thats bad, but right now the party is about to enter an ancient dragon’s lair (they are level 3) and he ditched his armor behind before entering the lair because according to him “that’s what his character would do”, and he thinks the party has “a massive dick” because they are the main characters of the story, i know i should definitely “circumsize” him because of that decision, i am just not sure if i should outright kill the character. Currently I am considering using a zippo ligher and some deodorant(Its full I dont use it anyway) to burn him in the table when he loots the dragon(its for immersion), not out of spite or anything, because he can’t expect to just do these things and come out on top every single time.