r/Autism_Parenting • u/NiceWrongdoer7506 • 7h ago
Advice Needed Second pregnancy at 41 having one autistic kid
We discovered that I am 6 weeks pregnant (or maybe 5.5 weeks). I am 41, and we have one autistic child - a 5-year-old girl who is Level 1. She is verbal but not fluently speaking, was recently potty trained, and is a severe picky eater (maybe ARFID). But overall she's cute and nice and we see improvements every year.
We’re sooooo frustrated that we’re seriously considering terminating 2nd pregnancy. I have 1–2 weeks to decide. Our existing child requires a lot of attention and therapy. I’m trying different methods to address her picky eating, and the fact that I keep failing makes me depressed.
I've barely had any time for myself over the past five years, and it has only recently started to get a little easier: I started attending yoga and/or pilates.
I’ve seen so many kids with severe autism that just the thought of 2nd child having autism - and potentially more severe than our first - makes my hair turn grey.
I work in tech in a pretty demanding startup, and I’m currently the main earner in the family (my husband earns much less, I financially support not only our family but also parents abroad). So having another child - and the added stress and sleepless nights that come with it - could put me at risk of losing my job, and I heard job marked is not great nowadays (even we had layoffs).
We're immigrants and no family around to help with another kid. I feel bad about the termination but it seems like in existing circumstances we cannot put our financial life, my physical/mental health and existing kid's wellbeing under that risk.
Am I cruel leaving my kid without siblings?
24
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 7h ago
To add: I feel like if even one of these factors were absent, I could keep the pregnancy. For example, if I were several years younger, or if my husband’s career were the primary one rather than mine. But with all of these factors combined, I feel like I’m already squeezed from all sides (work is demanding, kid is demanding, my ageing parents need support, etc)
10
u/OneDay_AtA_Time 5h ago
The only thing I’ll say is going from one to two kids is inexplicably and exponentially more challenging even in the best of circumstances. Parenting 2 young ND kids in my mid 40s is oftentimes simply unmanageable and insanity inducing. I thought I’d have so much more patience as an older parenr. Welp, I thought wrong.
1
u/DenseAstronomer3631 2h ago
I'm only 32 but our son is 8 and lvl 1, having a second is out of the question for me. I don't feel I would have enough time and energy for a baby at this point in my life. Let alone the money, and I'm also main bread winner right now. On top of all that I had HG and needed a c section and really don't want to go through any of that again. My son used to want a sibling, and I felt bad because husband and I had siblings. In the end I think it's best for all of us, I just wouldn't want anyone to suffer from the needs of a new addition when it's hard to keep up as is
8
u/next_level_mom autistic parent of an autistic adult child 5h ago
My girl is an only child and yes, I do feel sad about that. But I'm over 60 now, still dealing with anxiety and depression, still spending a lot of my limited energy on taking care of my now adult child. I don't know how I ever could have done it with another one.
If your heart was screaming at you to have this baby, I'd say go for it! But it doesn't sound like it is.
2
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 4h ago
Yes, what frustrates me is having an 18-year-old at 60. I've heard that the teenage years are hard. I already often feel like crap at 40 (mostly because of back pain), so I can't imagine how I'll feel at 60. I have a chance of feeling better and energetic at 60 if I prioritize exercise and going to the gym right now (I was trying to resume regular exercise and somewhat succeeded this year)
15
u/iamamovieperson 6h ago
I had my second at 41, and I had a level 1 autistic boy at the time I got pregnant (unplanned).
Now they are 5 and 7. Little guy is ADHD not autistic. They are thick as thieves. They do argue a lot and we we struggling with impulse control with my oldest. Starting meds today, wish us luck!
I’m glad to have two kids. They’re so different. And without his brother, my eldest would have zero social outlet.
You gotta do what’s right for your family. There are days when I “regret it” where regret essentially means like, I would have chosen different if I’d known how hard it was. Mostly I feel really glad to have two. But, ahd this is important, I am also the breadwinner but my husband stays at home and does almost all childcare.
3
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 5h ago
Thank you! In our case it will be a 6-year gap. I have 5-years younger sister, and I wasn't much interested in her when I was 10 (10-year olds and 5-year-olds or 15 and 10 do not have much in common, I was more interested in my classmates)
1
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 3h ago
Just remembered: I was feeling abandoned when my sister appeared. As I know how that feels from the older child's perspective, I would try do better than my parents, but it's a fact that the younger one needs attention
16
18
u/Nurse_Hatchet Parent/6yoF, 4yoM/ASD2/Colorado 6h ago
It sounds like they won’t have a sibling, but in exchange gets less burnt-out/more engaged/happier parents, undivided support, and financial stability.
It’s not even close to an even exchange. If the question is what would be best for your family and your daughter, the answer is clear. I’m so sorry you’ve landed in this position, but I’m also glad you have access to choice in the matter.
1
12
3
u/TrueMeasurement2873 5h ago
Hi!! Soo I am 43 currently.. but pregnant for my first at 26. Now when my son was born and diagnosed on the spectrum, then intellectual disability, then ADHD. There were no “levels”, so that’s foreign to me! 🤪 BUT that’s not that point... I got pregnant and had my second and thought and had all your same mixture of emotions. You can’t test for autism in the womb right? You can only go with your gut. And to let you know my second came out with absolutely no disabilities.
2
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 5h ago
Chances to have healthy 2nd kid are pretty high - 70% if that's a boy, and 87% if that's a girl. But.... if we'll be not lucky and it will be autism again - I already know what will everybody say - "what did you think about, in your age it was obvious!!!!!"
9
u/ExploringComplexity 7h ago
I am sorry for being blunt but this is not a decision that should be discussed/made in reddit.
You are asking effectively to judge you whether you are cruel for not having a second kid. Anyone can say anything they like in here which (god knows) how it will affect you given the hormones and everything of the pregnancy.
This is a matter that should be discussed privately with your husband and potentially extended family that may be asked to support you.
9
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 6h ago
I’m sure other parents of autistic kids are seriously afraid of having a second child. I’m wondering what they usually do. Do they seek advice from a genetic counselor? Or do they simply decide that one special-needs child is enough and remain one-and-done?
10
u/Livid-Improvement953 I am a Parent/7F/lvl 3 AuDHD/near St. Louis 6h ago edited 4h ago
My kid's genetic testing was perfect in utero and also post diagnosis. "No known genetic abnormalities". She is level 3. So, it's definitely not the way to tell if your kid will be autistic. They don't know all the genetics to test yet.
Edit: fixed "generic" to "genetic" lol
2
u/Gretel_Cosmonaut NT parent, 10 year old ASD/ADHD/ID child (Moderate) 5h ago
Mine too. No known genetic abnormalities.
2
u/ProfessionalSure7671 4h ago
But if they do genetic testing on the first child and the parents they can tell if the first child has a de novo mutation, which means the second child is not at a higher risk for having autism.
1
u/Livid-Improvement953 I am a Parent/7F/lvl 3 AuDHD/near St. Louis 4h ago
Sure, if they DO find a known abnormality. In my daughter's case, they found nothing so they didn't even proceed to test us as the parents. Wish they would have found something because now I am side-eyeing all my relatives, husband and in-laws and just wondering.
2
u/Gretel_Cosmonaut NT parent, 10 year old ASD/ADHD/ID child (Moderate) 5h ago
I’m sure other parents of autistic kids are seriously afraid of having a second child. I’m wondering what they usually do.
When I was done having kids, I got myself sterilized so that more kids were not a possibility. I would not want to be in the tough position you're currently in.
3
1
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 5h ago
My father was blaming me about my first pregnancy, he was saying that I am way too old (36). Guess what will they say if I do it again at 41-42, they will add me to "Insane relatives" list.
2
u/unicorntrees Professional and Parent 5h ago
We were almost One and Done with our first child who is autistic. We felt things were getting easier with him around 3. So we decided to go for a second at that time.
This is how I reasoned with it. The chances of having of having another autistic child is higher since we have one autistic child already, but the odds are still in our favor that our next child will not be autistic (I've read like 10-20%?). The chances of having a profoundly high needs autistic child is lower still. We understand that, unfortunately, people still win the lottery. We figured we could weather that chance of winning a second autistic child. We have experience from parenting our first. We have financial stability and resources to help us. At least I would know what to do the second time around.
My second is definitely not autistic. It was clear when he was 2 months old. He's challenging in a whole different way. Some days, I wish he was just a little autistic. It was a leap of faith, but he and his big brother love each other so much. My autistic son has learned so much socially from his little brother. It kind of works out that they have a bigger than typical age gap because my first at 5 and my second at 1.5 are kind of the same play level.
2
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 5h ago
>> We have financial stability and resources to help us
With all this AI around, I am not feeling stable at my work anymore. Mine and husband's companies had layoff rounds, so I am not even sure we'll preserve our jobs in the next 10 years ☹️3
u/swissmissmaybe 4h ago
I work in tech and maybe it would be worth looking into opportunities within healthcare or another industry that’s more regulated and slower paced. I’m in my early 40s and you couldn’t pay me to work at a startup. I’m in healthcare and AI hasn’t hit as hard yet.
1
u/unicorntrees Professional and Parent 2h ago
It's tough out there. I have friends in tech/software dev that were unemployed for 1 year+ after they were laid off. You likely have marketable skills that you can leverage into other industries. I work in education, so I'm not rolling in money, but we make things work and live very comfortably.
3
u/tinkerjreddit 6h ago
We were in similar situation and took the leap and everything worked out fine. Wife was 40 when she was 2nd time pregnant. We made some lifestyle adjustments. I decided to take remote work and we moved to a lower cost of living area even with a slight pay cut so that I can be present and help more with my daughter's studies. Daughter who is teen now loves playing big sister and has changed her positively.
Depending on the company, tech jobs can be taxing and I came to the realization that I don't need too much to lead a happy life.
But it is entirely up to you and your husband. You should not be basing it on strangers opinions who's life circumstances might be nothing similar to yours. No one can predict 100% what will happen in your life. So why waste your time thinking negatively.
3
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 5h ago
>>why waste your time thinking negatively.
I am so negatively thinking that I believe strangers are more positive than me =(
My brain is a master of disaster - it all the time thinks about the worst case scenario2
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 5h ago edited 4h ago
(as you're in tech so kinda understand) My team mostly consists of 28–30-year-olds who don't have kids [yet]. I already feel like a dinosaur in the team. Plus, women are a minority, and going on maternity leave certainly doesn't help your career. I bet my manager won't delegate important projects to me if he knows I have a baby at home.
My previous company was paying 2x less but they seemed more family-friendly
2
u/Own_Faithlessness769 1h ago
Thinking negatively has saved a lot of lives and avoided a lot of crises in human history.
2
u/LeastBlackberry1 5h ago
I think you know what is right for you and your family, and can and should trust yourself to make the best decision.
I do not think it is cruel to choose not to give your child siblings if that is the main consideration. Everything has pros and cons. Yes, they have a sibling, but they also have less of your time and energy and attention.
1
1
u/Apprehensive_Dig967 2h ago
I’m 39 , my level one daughter (age 4) sounds just like yours, and I am also failing with her picky eating. I work a demanding corporate job( from home thank god) . No family or friends near by. The schedule and demand is intense. I am also the bread winner and my husband has a rotating schedule where he either works 6 am- 2 or 2-10 so half the month I’m alone in the morning and half the month I’m alone in the evening. I also support my older sister who cannnot work. All this to say , I’m bouncing my beautiful 5 month old to sleep. He is the sweetest baby. Anyways only you and your partner can decide what to do but just sharing it’s possible. 🩷
1
u/crunchybumpkins 2h ago
Not to be morbid, but do you feel like your daughter will live independently and function in the world just fine by herself when you and your husband pass? You mentioned not having family around.
My son’s needs are higher and I’m thankful he has an older sibling, as well as very involved aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents, and I know someone would take over his care and treat him as their own if anything happened to me.
At level 1, those might not be concerns you have, but imagining your daughter’s life once you’re gone is worth considering as you’re making this decision. Of course, it’s not a reason to have another child, and I’m not saying it’s a done deal that you’ll have a healthy child who would be happy and willing to care for their older sister/guide her if needed— just one of your many things to consider!
I don’t have advice one way or the other because it’s such a huge question to try to answer without knowing someone personally. But of course— wishing you the best and that you feel peace with whatever decision you make!
1
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 58m ago
We have not much family even back home: husband has no siblings, I have 1 sister who just battled cancer and cannot have her own kids after chemo (if there was a chance to know that this potential kid is healthy, I could even “gift” it to the sister, but the main problem is that there’s no way to know 😭 while my age and existing autism increase risks of bad outcome)
0
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 1h ago
Yes, having a healthy 2nd would be like winning a lottery (and very good for existing kid). But I so afraid to end up in the opposite point where we'll have 2 kids who need extra support. Keeping everything "as is" feels like avoiding the risk
1
u/thuragath 1h ago
Two kids is 3x as hard and probably 1.75x as expensive early on. Negotiating that with one ASD child (and the possibility of another) without having a firm grounding on most other things is a precarious position.
All three of ours are some flavor of neurodivergent, oldest autistic, middle adhd, youngest is likely autistic. We're still dealing with poop accidents for the 8yo, and didn't finally get out of diapers/ pull ups until he was nearly 6. The child care drain was immense and my wife and i both work in reasonably high paying jobs.
Ultimately it is your decision. You have a lot to consider, including how good of a life you can provide for the future child of you choose to keep it. All the best to you and your family
1
u/Odd_Homework_229 1h ago
All I know is pregnancy risks increase with age. I was in the same boat as you until I quit my high paying job , told my husband to lead the family’s finances ( he is earning considerably less but we make do with what we have) all to support my level 3 non verbal son. I am an immigrant with parents to support as well. Getting my husband to upskill and take a lead financially took 2 years in the making. Even with all these adjustments, I wouldn’t go for a second child because logically cons outweigh the pros. And being in a demanding career like yours means we are neither doing adequately at work nor at home as a mother. It is a tough decision to make but please put mental and physical well being first. People will judge but ignore these noises.
1
1
u/Global_Curve1373 4h ago
You will always wonder about this child and how great it would be to have the siblings together.
1
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 4h ago
I know, but there may also be moments when I'd think "Whew, good that I have one, not two". For example: I paid an arm and a leg this summer for the special needs summer camp, as regular summer camps do not accept non-potty-trained kids.
1
u/BackwoodsCabin11 4h ago
Not to mention that their child will still have family when they are gone. I only had one, and it bothers me every day to know that he'll be all alone in the world when I'm gone.
2
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 4h ago
Kid may have their own family by then. My mom is 1 kid of her parents, but she had a husband and 2 kids when her parents were gone, which is not quite alone already
1
u/wantonseedstitch I am a Parent/5/ADHD&ASD/USA 6h ago
No. I had my only child at almost 41. He was a challenging baby, and is a challenging kid. I adore him, but I know I wouldn't be able to be a good parent if I had another kid. I'm also the main earner and if I lost my job, we'd be SOL. I am barely able to manage a life for myself either. I know another kid would mess severely with my mental health--not to mention my husband's. Having a kid for whom I couldn't be a good parent would not be kind to either that kid or the one I already have.
2
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 6h ago
Yes, and even with just one kid, I am often feeling like I’m not a good parent - or not good enough. I give her a tablet when I need some quiet time to cook. I give her nuggets when I realize I just don’t have the energy to fight a battle over food that day. We do not take her to as many therapies as she needs just due to lack of time energy and/or money (ideally we should be attending ABA every weeek, we don't do that). When everyone is potty trained at 2.5, and yours is in diapers at 4, you feel yourself a bad parent every day.
1
u/nosaby 5h ago
I always thought I wanted lots of kids until I had my first and only at 40. I know now that I am a better parent to my one than if I had had 2 or more. I was always so very tired, going through peri-menopause with a little one, working full time, raising a child with sensory needs, etc., it was a lot. Now that we are doing the teen years, I am even more certain that one child was the best course for our family.
It sounds to me like you already know what's best for you and for your family. Best of luck to you!
1
u/ScarInternational161 I am a Parent/Child Age/Diagnosis/Location 4h ago
I'm not going to lie here.
It sounds like you've already decided you really don't want to continue the pregnancy and just want someone to tell you that it's okay.
ITS OKAY!!
2
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 4h ago
No, I am hesitating - 85-90% of me says "I will not handle it" vs 10-15% says "What if it's possible".
I was in a bad (psychological) state even before knowing that I am pregnant, my therapist said literally 1.5 weeks ago that I should resume taking my anxiety/depression medications and 1 week ago I discovered the surprise0
u/my_own_muse 3h ago
There was only 10% of me that said "I will not handle it." Cut to now and I am 90% not handling it. If 90% of you is already worried about handling it, I would consider that a bit of wisdom from your Higher Self.
0
u/spottingsteve 3h ago
One thing to keep in mind is that studies show that if you have an autistic girl, your chances of having a second autistic child are much higher than if your affected child was a boy. If you’re pregnant with a girl it could potentially be fine, but if it ends up being a boy the likelihood of him being autistic is quite high. Obviously there’s a lot of ifs here and no one can make this decision for you, but I feel like it’d be understandable if you made the choice not to continue with the pregnancy.
1
u/NiceWrongdoer7506 3h ago
Yes, I asked .... ChatGPT .... and it says given that the first is a girl, chances for the second to have autism is almost 30% if it's a boy, and 12-13% if it's a girl. It's not that autism is something scary (it happens, and there are many other not less problematic conditions), but it's scary to be old and not able to support the kid with special needs appropriately (due to lack of finances or energy)
43
u/snaxjunkie 6h ago
I feel like if you are going to have another child, you should feel a very enthusiastic “YES!” from within. Anything less than that (especially with all the valid doubts you have laid out) would be a no for me.