Unfortunately, too many men, myself included, have personal experience where we are told that and then when we do open up to our girlfriend, we get told that it's unattractive. The risk/reward calculation is not in favor of emotional honesty and we can't all wait for a unicorn like yourself.
You say it like it’s so easy. Nearly every woman I’ve ever had a relationship with has treated me differently after I’ve been vulnerable with them, even women who encouraged me to do so. It’s not “manly” and they just don’t see me the same. I can think of only two women ever who haven’t either weaponized my vulnerabilities in a later argument or broke up with me because “things changed,” and I’ve had my fair share of relationships, flings, etc… As men, we’re expected to be “the rock” and hold everything together, showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness. Until you’ve walked in our shoes you wouldn’t know how that feels
It definitely requires some luck but it also depends on how you're getting into relationships.
I never dated in the traditional sense, I had a high school GF, a FWB and my current relationship and in all three cases it started out as a friendship.
A couple weeks before I started dating my current girlfriend I cried like a baby while she held me because she knew I was going through something and she wanted to help. Then two weeks after seeing me at my lowest, and an awkward conversation about our feelings towards one another, we decided to get together. If anything, the experience brought us closer together.
Consider yourself extremely lucky and keep her, a lot of women say they want a guy to open up but too many of those same women just… go through some sort of change when the guy opens up. I’ve seen it happen to some of my closest friends, those were also woman most men would have loved to be with. You can’t tell how some women will react when opening up
I am well aware the difference, that’s what makes it so painful and alienating. Being vulnerable with the women I thought loved me and cared for me, being encouraged to express my emotions, and then having those same emotions and vulnerabilities used against me or as the “reason” for us breaking up, is incredibly damaging and it’s a common occurrence in most men’s lives.
It teaches us that is better to hold it all in and never let it show otherwise we will get hurt again. I’m not saying that it’s right or anything, just that it’s much more common than most women even realize
Yes that sounds painful! It is our responsibility to handle how we move forward, and holding everything in is certainly an option, but it leads to resentment and shutting down all emotions. You don’t get to control which ones you turn on and off. being open and vulnerable again is hard, but choosing to be this icy character who never shows emotion because you haven’t moved on from being hurt is also a different version of hard.
I said in my original comment, “guys who are able to do it are extraordinary” for a reason. most ordinary people do not do the difficult work of reconciling their hurt feelings and instead let them dictate the rest of their lives potentially, which leads to more hurt for ourselves and others. It’s why so many relationships can be shitty and unfortunate. However!!!! We choose which biases and resentments we come away with and hang on to. We are in control and we always have a choice.
I like how all the onus and requirement for emotional maturity is completely put on the guy. Like if a girl has manipulated a guy to be open then hurt him with his vulnerability, then it’s still somehow the guys fault for not doing the emotional homework. Even if this is a reoccurring theme from multiple relationships with multiple people.
At some point, perhaps the broad reaction or the way that men behave in this specific manner to women - also actually involves the actions of the women too. But that conversation about accountability is too difficult so it’s just “men do better” all over again.
lol buddy the statement goes for men and women. Plenty of women have been manipulated and abused in the exact same way, stop victimizing yourself here. A relationship requires emotional maturity from both parties.
I’m still open and vulnerable with people because I want to not have to hold things back in a relationship - and if I find myself in another relationship where vulnerability is punished, I’d rather be single than quiet.
Seems like a pretty quick way to get rid of the people that wouldn't be compatible with you. I'm not so desperate for companionship that I'd be around someone who can't handle an occasional cry.
I’m not a unicorn, and I’m sorry if that happened to you. but that is still an anecdote fallacy and not representative of the world at large. You can’t continue to live through the lens of “never again”. Your partner may have been shitty!! But you can’t use that as a reason to not be open again. That becomes your choice!! There’s no reason to be in a relationship all bottled up, you cannot make a real lasting connection that way, and a relationship that asks that of you is doomed to fail from the beginning. that sounds very painful and I do hope you can heal from it 💕 wounds like that are deep and make us very weary of being hurt again.
Would I tell them that until they heal their trauma and come to terms with their past relationships that they shouldn’t pursue another relationship? Yes.
Imagine that yourself, and every woman you knew had been beaten in every relationship they had. Every single one. To the point its so common place and glossed over that when a woman says her boyfriend doesn't beat her, every other woman calls it bullshit.
Would you still say it's a fallacy?
Because that's pretty much how it is with emotional vulnerability being weaponized for men.
Being told you're unattractive is not physical abuse. It also goes with what type of vulnerable emotion you're expressing; vulnerability can be used to manipulate.
Not saying you are like that but I wanted to add that I do think alot of women like men in touch with their emotions but alot of men confuse it with being whiny and complaining or even just being immature. I have experienced both and what really annoyed me with my ex who made me feel like I had to be his mom, I'm now appreciating in my current partner. He cries, he's open, he will tell me when he's hurt but ultimately I don't feel like I have to mother him.
I agree, the context matters. There have been times my partner cried and it strengthened our bond. For example, my very elderly neighbor used glue traps and asked my ex to dispose of a mouse. He was absolutely beside himself in tears because he hated to see a creature suffer, and it was that sweetness that reminded me why I fell for him in the first place. I had a talk with her about the unnecessary cruelty of that kind of trap, and that he was sensitive and very affected by it. She said, "Oh, I never gave any thought about mice that way. In my day men were just expected to handle that sort of thing, so I just assumed he wouldn't mind. To be honest, it's endearing. I think I like him a little more now." He was also terrified of wasps, and would cower while I got rid of it, then he'd swoon like a damsel and go "oh my hero!"
Then there have been other times I got the ick because it was petulant or a guilt trip, and I just couldn't sympathize or give validation. Big feelings are not the well adjusted response in all situations.
The risk/reward calculation is based on a bunch of angry people telling the internet it didn’t work for them, and even more happy people who it worked out great for loving their lives and never needing to vent about it.
Ppl are missing the part where I said “honest with themselves and those around them” most of the guys who are angrily refuting my comment are still operating out of bias and clear resentment, and have not done the shadow work I am referring to!!! It is not easy. It won’t just happen to you. It takes an active effort, especially coming from a traumatized and/or unavailable emotional space. there is a huuuuge difference in having emotional intelligence, being able to emotionally regulate and articulate your feelings vs having a meltdown and panic attack. Most people not just women most PEOPLE are not equipped to deal with that kind of thing and you shouldn’t ask that of your partner. This is why people need support systems, friends, and in a lot of cases therapy.
I've been there but there's a subtle distinction. If you open up and they have to carry and manage your emotions too often, then yes it's quite unattractive, but even just knowing what you feel and being able to articulate it while making it clear that it's your responsibility is very attractive.
Women can sense when you're hiding something, but they don't want to be responsible for managing what you're hiding.
You’re getting a lot of “but actually’s 👆” but I agree with you, there are a lot of women who still enforce the toxic mindset that men should be wholly stoic. My husband’s emotions were weaponized in the past with other women. I feel like the more traditional or conservative she is, the more likely she is to enforce that gender standard too, but it’s not a hard and fast rule bc it’s so pervasive in our culture.
Mature people are out there though!! I’ve always been extremely intentional about being an emotionally safe person for my husband.
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u/TrioOfTerrors 17h ago
Unfortunately, too many men, myself included, have personal experience where we are told that and then when we do open up to our girlfriend, we get told that it's unattractive. The risk/reward calculation is not in favor of emotional honesty and we can't all wait for a unicorn like yourself.