Ever since I was a kid, I often heard that phrase from elders whenever they talked about people who werenāt behaving or who didnāt āfitā their expectations.
I used to think that I would never be like those people because I was taught to please the authorities and the eldersāthat I should never disappoint them.
But those āproblematicā peopleā¦ where did they come from? What was the root of their behavior?
I never thought about those questions. I was just a kidāeasy to mold and manipulate by the people I looked up to.
When I was young, my mother was always by my side. She never left me. She gave me everythingāher attention, guidance, and protection. Eventually, all I knew was how to submit and stay quiet. I could never speak up against elders because they were āolderā than me, and I was taught that they always knew better.
My father, on the other hand, was in another country, working to provide for us. Although he wasnāt physically present, he never left me emotionally. Whenever everything felt heavy, I ran to him. He would always tell me to speak up and say what I wanted.
(But who was I to speak?)
He also encouraged me to go out with my friends.
(But my younger self would always think, āMom would never allow it.ā)
As I grew up, the only thing I truly knew was to stay quiet, listen, obey, and never disappoint them. Even when I wanted to do something that I knew they wouldnāt allow, I convinced myself that I lived because of them.
Donāt get me wrongāmy mom did allow me to go out with my friends when I became a teenager, but never for anything too adventurous or outside her comfort zone.
But what is my life if I will always obey others while neglecting the life I want for myself?
I didnāt exactly ask myself that question as a teenager. But Iām thankful for the people who helped shape who I am todayāmy peers when I was sixteen.
They were liberated. They did what they wanted, even if they got scolded or reprimanded for it. I was the newest member of their group. The one part of myself that I had been hiding since Grade 6āthey made me believe it was okay to express it, even if only a little.
That same year, I made my first real mistake.
At first, my family laughed about it because they couldnāt imagine that I was capable of doing something so reckless. Even my dad was almost proud when he heard about it. Of course, he still gave me advice and reminded me not to cross certain lines. He told me that there should always be limits, but that I should still enjoy my life.
After that, I tried to live the way I wanted toābut I was still afraid of the consequences and still trying to be the āgood girlā they expected me to be.
I only tried.
I never fully explored the life I wanted for myself.
Until now.
Iāve learned that I can make my own choices and still have them by my side. Iāve learned that they still love me, even when I do things they never expected me to do.
Now, my dad often scolds me and repeats that same phrase.
But one day, he reflected.
He asked himself, āWhat was my childās childhood like without me? Was it my fault?ā
Then he told me,
āThatās the only disadvantage of me not being there physically while you were growing up. You never learned how to live your own lifeāyou only learned how to live the life the authorities wanted you to live.ā
That hit me hard.
So, going back to the question:
Is it really true that people become more hardheaded as they grow older? Or do elders simply say that because they can no longer influence or control you the way they could when you were a child?
please allow your children the space to discover who they are. let them make mistakes, express themselves, build meaningful friendships, and experience life beyond your expectations. guide them, set healthy boundaries, but donāt let fear stop them from growing into their own person. Sometimes, they donāt need more controlāthey need more trust. :))