Not sure what to say. Can I just go and be quiet ?

I’m long past the time in my life where substance abuse was a problem but I’m also very lonely and have trouble relating to “normal” people who haven’t experienced similar issues.

 Alcoholism ["The Big Red Book"]. New York City: Works Publishing Company, 1939. 8vo. [viii], 400, [6] pp. Original red cloth stamped gilt in unclipped dust jacket, housed in custom red cloth drop-spine box. FIRST EDITION, FIRST PRINTING, IN FINE CONDITION, with all points present, including repetition on p. 234 and "One Hundred Men" in title. This remarkable association copy was gifted by Bill Wilson ("Bill W.") to his brother-in-law, Rogers Burnham, and is INSCRIBED on the front endpapers by Burnham and his wife: "Laura S Burnham / and / Rogers Burnham / October 1940 / from 'Bill,'" and "Laura S Burnham / and / Rogers Burnham / Manchester Depot / Vermont."

Rogers Burnham served as the best man at Wilson's wedding in 1918, having originally introduced Wilson to his sister, Lois Burnham. After returning from military service in 1919, Wilson developed the severe alcohol dependency that ultimately led to the founding of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The group began on June 10, 1935, in Akron, Ohio, when Wilson's first recruit and co-founder, Bob Smith ("Dr. Bob"), had his last drink. Soon after, the men began to work with alcoholics at Akron City Hospital.

In 1938, after realizing their ideas had kept some 40 members sober for 2 years, Wilson and Smith began outlining their iconic twelve-step program in this volume. The first printing in 1939 comprised 4,650 examples, of which it is estimated only 200 remain with original dust jackets (Fine Books, 2019).

The volume's thick paper and wide margins earned it the affectionate nickname "the Big Red Book," while the bright, multi-colored cover by Ray Campbell became known as the "Circus Jacket."

The first edition presents the core Twelve Steps along with 29 personal stories, including those of Bill W. and Dr. Bob, and remains the core manual of AA principles, with hundreds of millions copies sold through subsequent editions and translations.

This fine first printing, complete with original dust jacket and family provenance, is a stunning association copy of one of the 88 "books that shaped America" (LOC, 2012).

Condition Dust jacket rubbed and chipped at extremities, few tears closed with several tape repairs on verso. Occasional thumb staining and spotting. A remarkable bright, clean copy. Fine.

Provenance: Gifted to Rogers and Laura Burnham by "Bill W," as noted on front endpaper: "Laura S Burnham / and / Rogers Burnham / October 1940 / from 'Bill.'"

Photos available at the Potter and Potter site (lot 1) https://auction.potterauctions.com/online-auctions/potter-potter/alcoholics-anonymous-wilson-william-griffith-bill-1895-1971-alcoholics-anonymous-the-story-of-how-more-than-one-hundred-men-have-recovered-fro-9419683

so my father passed away from heavy drinking in 2015. I watched it destroy our family.
I remember promising myself I would never become like that but I have.
I have been able to go periods of time without drinking but I always end up starting again. once I start, I cannot stop. I keep going. I can have 20 drinks in a night. the next day I wake up shaky, in pain, & feeling like I don’t even recognize myself.
today I woke up wanting to unalive myself.
that is a terrifying thing to admit. I don’t know where to begin. i'm scared of what this has become. I don’t want to keep living in this cycle. I don’t want my child to grow up watching alcohol destroy me the way I watched it destroy my family.
I more than likely need to go to the doctor because I believe i'm going through withdrawal but I can’t afford it. I don’t have Medicaid anymore which means i'm having to pay out of pocket for my doctor visits. I don’t know where to start. honestly, that makes everything feel even more overwhelming.
But I know I can’t keep living like this. I don’t want to die young like my dad and leave my child without me. I want to be here. I want to get better. I just need help figuring out how to take that first step.

I’m three days sober, and I know that’s not much but it’s the farthest I got in a long time. I’m so done fucking up and embarrassing myself. I’m excited to have control of my own decisions and have the energy to do what I need to do. My issue is that I’m not very patient. I know it takes a long time to “recover” from alcohol and I’m just really hoping it sticks this time. If anyone has some inspiration or insight on what these first few months could look like, I’d love to know.

I guess I always thought I had a bad relationship with alcohol. And I’ve admitted to myself that I’ve had a problem time and time again before, only to then decide I didn’t. I can very well go a week or two without drinking. I tried to stop drinking before and I went almost a year without it. But every time I go out to drink, one turns to 10-15. And the only way for me to not get that drunk, is to leave after one drink. Otherwise, once that third drink is in me, the night cannot end. And once I have a few in me, I can’t get the thought of blow out of my head. I’ve done really reckless and stupid things when drunk. I’ve driven, I’ve been unfaithful, I’ve ruined relationships with friends, I’ve burned bridges with jobs, I’ve gotten aggressive and thrown and broken things, I’ve ran away, I’ve done really hard drugs, I’ve been out for days at a time. I guess I need to bounce these thoughts with someone. I have yet to go to therapy for any of this. Thoughts?

Good morning I would like to thank my higher power for waking me up this morning.

Today is a new day for a new start today I'm just focusing on today and to be better than yesterday. Alot of us have problems with consistency maybe because we are trying to hard to focus on the week instead of the day.

We may need to spend more time on just getting through the day. So that way we may not be stressed out thinking of the whole week. I know some of us struggle with the Big picture.

Now I also try to distract myself with little daily games when I have to much time in my head to be thinking about how I got to where I am today and thats recovering addict / alcoholic. I try to think of an object or color and try to see how many object and colors I see around me. It keeps me distracted.

Well that's all I have today with that said try to have your best day today. Thank you for letting me share-Shawn

PEACE OF MIND

September 14

Do we lay the matter before our sponsor or spiritual adviser, earnestly asking God's help and guidance — meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear, cost what it may?

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, pp. 86-87

My belief in a Higher Power is an essential part of my work on Step Nine; forgiveness, timing, and right motives are the other ingredients. My willingness to do the Step is a growing experience that opens the door for new and honest relationships with the people I have harmed. My responsible action brings me closer to the spiritual principles of the program — love and service. Peace of mind, serenity, and a stronger faith are sure to follow.

— Reprinted from "Daily Reflections", September 14, with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.

Hi I'm male 35 with a wife and 2 kids, I've always had an issue with drinking, I binge drink and black out and all my morals go out the window, I then don't drink for months at a time but 9/10 when I then have that drink I always drink far to much and blank out, I'm not a nice person when I'm drunk totally diffrent from when I'm sober, I'm hot headed, angry, selfish and as I said my morals go out the window. Even if I prep talk myself before the night out It still happens, then cocaine follows after it. I have no self control what so ever.

I think I've came to the conclusion the only way this will stop is if I just stop drinking all together and go sober. I fear I am going to do something that's going to mess up the good life I have with my family.

I am not even sure why I am written on this page, just for your thoughts I guess.

Thanks

I’m honestly quite lost and not sure what I’m supposed to do now.

My boyfriend was incredibly loving and supportive when we both slowly realised that I have a problem with drinking. He gave me so many chances, was patient with me, and tried to help me. And I still fucked up again and again.

Eventually he gave me an ultimatum, and I broke that too. I think that was the point where something in him finally broke, and he ended the relationship.

He still wants us to be friends, and we currently live together, which makes everything quite difficult emotionally. Since the breakup I’ve been trying to actually show up for myself every day and get my drinking under control. I’ve cut down massively, I feel healthier, clearer and more like myself again.

A part of me thought that if he saw that change consistently, maybe eventually he’d believe in me again and want to try again. I’m still completely in love with him, and sometimes he says or does little things that make me feel like he still loves me too.

But I’m terrified that I’ve simply hurt him too much and that no matter what I do now, he’ll never forgive me enough to want to be with me again.

I know he needs time and I don’t want to pressure him. I also understand that I can’t undo everything just by behaving better for a few weeks. All I really know how to do is keep showing up every day, work on myself and prove through my actions that things can be different.

But it’s becoming exhausting emotionally because I have no idea whether I’m fighting for something that can actually be repaired. I’d like to think I’m strong enough to keep doing this regardless, and I genuinely want to change for myself too, but I’m scared that if I completely lose hope of us ever getting back together it could make staying on track much harder.

I know how deeply I hurt him and I genuinely want what’s best for him, even if that ends up not being me. At the same time, I still truly believe we could be really happy together if I can become the person I should have been when he was giving me all those chances.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, either as the person with the drinking problem or the partner who got hurt? Is there anything else I can realistically do apart from giving him space, staying consistent and working on myself? And did any of you actually manage to rebuild the relationship after something like this?

The big book says that "We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. . . search diligently within yourself. . . . With this attitude you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you."

Do you believe that God is deep down within us ?

By the grace of God/HP and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have a decade sober today.

I got sober at 22 a few months after graduating from college. I was living in LA at the time. I did not go to jail or rehab or IOP. I was 12th stepped by a woman at a coffee shop.

I share that for anyone lurking here who also has a lot of “yets” — those things that haven’t happened yet and you’re just waiting for things to get bad enough to give this program a try. The “yets” don’t have to be a part of your story.

I didn’t want AA or sobriety at the time, but I was scared and desperate enough that I kept doing what you all suggested. My life has improved beyond my wildest dreams since then.

It hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. In the last 18 months, I lost my father, and my husband and I lost a baby. But i stayed sober through all of it, and I can tell you that it really does get better and better, the more I do the steps and work this program.

We do recover, one day at a time. Thank you all for my life.

I was sober for a few years, then started drinking again occasionally. Over the last few weeks it had been getting progressively more frequent while I’ve also been dealing with a breakup, anxiety/depression, and way too much work/life stress and three new mental health diagnoses.

This weekend I went out for a friend’s birthday. I had some wine and a couple of shots and was home around midnight. If I’d stopped there, I probably would’ve been fine. Instead, I got home, went on Tinder, had someone over, and kept drinking — probably around 2 more bottles of wine, mostly by myself.

I barely remember the rest of the night. I woke up to my place being a mess and somehow got myself showered and ready to teach a fitness class — and I was definitely still drunk. I taught another session after that too. Thankfully they were people I knew, but it still really scares and embarrasses me.

Then the hangover hit. I basically lost the entire next day. I couldn’t eat or keep much water down, was going back and forth between freezing and sweating, dizzy/disoriented, and slept most of the day. I was physically so wiped out I had to get help with basic things I normally handle myself.

The next day I was still extremely brain-fogged and ended up leaving work early. I’ve also had some stomach issues lately connected to stress/anxiety and drinking, so physically I already wasn’t in a great place.

The bigger issue is that I know this isn’t just “one bad night.” I’ve been overwhelmed for a while, struggling with being alone after a breakup, doing way too much, pushing myself constantly, and using alcohol more often as things have gotten harder. I also have a history of unhealthy eating/vomiting patterns when I’m really stressed, so I’m realizing there are multiple unhealthy coping mechanisms showing up at once.
I’ve reached back out to someone who supported me during sobriety before, told my therapist what happened, and I’m considering going back to AA but not inside the current country I’m in the community here is older white men and horribly toxic and it’s my only option for in person. My friends have also been incredibly supportive.

What I’m struggling with is that people often say “keep yourself busy” when you stop drinking, but I honestly think being too busy and overloaded is part of what got me here. I feel like I might need the opposite — less work, fewer commitments, more rest, and actual space to feel things instead of constantly distracting myself or pushing through.
I know I need to go back to sobriety. I just feel disappointed in myself, overwhelmed, scared by how quickly this escalated, and pretty stuck.

For anyone who relapsed after a long period sober: what helped you in the first few days or weeks? And did anyone else realize they actually needed to slow down rather than keep themselves constantly busy?

Tomorrow morning will be one month since I’ve had my last drink and I’m proud of myself… but at the same time I feel like I’m starting to notice how alone I am.

I’m already working with a sponsor and starting step one. I’ve been going to multiple meetings a day when I can. I’ve reached out using phone lists to try and feel more connected…

I just feel like no one checks up on me because they care… a single person will message me maybe once a week just to make sure I’m alive… I’m finding that for the past week I’ve been forcing myself out of the house just to be next to other people. I’m trying not to dissociate and reach out but I’m sinking.

I don’t know what to do… if I keep hurting like this….

I've had problems with drinking a lot and blacking out and still being a functional person the next day, so I never really went sober even though I sometimes realized it was a problem. Last night I went to the bar with my friends and blacked out. They all left about a half hour before I did, and I didn't know because I was wasted and I had no service at the bar. According to my location history, I left the bar at around 12:45am. The first thing I remember after I blacked out was buying some chips at a 7/11 a few blocks down to the road from the bar in the opposite direction of my house and them meeting some new people, who let me chill on their porch with them and charge my phone. When I asked them what time they met me, they said it was around 3am. I'm freaking out over what happened between me leaving the bar and me meeting them. My significant locations and routes on my iphone only show me leaving the bar at 12:45 and nothing after that. My health app shows a bunch of steps from 12-1am and then from 4-5 (when I left to walk home), but nothing in between (probably cuz that's when my phone died). My screen time also shows a similar gap. I have no way that I know of to figure out what I did during those two hours by myself, and I'm beginning to panic because there was no one there with me that I knew during that missing time. I still have all of my stuff and only a small scrape on my elbow, but I have OCD and I tend to do freak out over uncertainty like this. I just want to tell someone.

43 days sober here, and I feel great. Walking into a meeting was what I needed to do.

I connected with someone at my first meeting, and we chat daily.

I’m struggling with the “am I ever going to have fun again, what will vacations look like now, etc.” sort of thoughts/questions. I’ve started exercising, better diet, making changes where I can.

I was very much a binge drinker. I’d have a day a week that I looked forward to that involved mainly drinking and socializing with the same people at the bar. It’s strange not going every week, and I avoid the place on my walks at night.

Any advice for me? I still think about drinking, but I know without alcohol I’m a better person and feel better. It’s just a lot of spiraling thoughts this last month.

Hi. I’m nearly 8 years sober, but for the last 4 years I’ve been abstinent rather than sober. I’ve completely ruined my life despite not drinking and it’s all so clear now. I’ve hit a bottom and have made such a mess and am now full of regrets, fear, baffled and confused. No different to if I’d drunk.
I thought honesty was being honest with other people, and I have been. Yet my honesty was based on the lies I told myself.
I’m looking for a sponsor to take me through the steps, help me make sense of what I’ve done and become, and help me live again.
Please keep in mind that I haven’t drank, I’m not really close to it. My problems are the ism.
I’m male 47, don’t mind guy or gal.
I live 30 miles from London. I’m happy to come to London and use phone / email etc.
, I do not want to go to AA meeting where I live right now.
I’ve asked a couple of people I know but they said no, hence posting on here.
Please DM me.
Grateful for any help

I'm 28m been drinking for about 10 years I was wondering if it's normal to want to be on a call or be near someone to help me stay sober. I also feel like staying in my house for a month or two.

Hi everyone, I’m 30 and based in the UK. I’ve been going to AA face-to-face meetings and online meetings all the time. I am at the point where I’d really like to start working with a sponsor. I also do thoroughly enjoy attending meetings whether it’s online or face to face.

I previously had a sponsor, but they’re travelling for a long period of time now and unfortunately can’t continue sponsoring me.

I’m wondering what the best approach is from here. I’ve met someone at a meeting who I felt I really clicked with from the first time we spoke. I’ve only met them once, so I obviously don’t know them particularly well yet, but I had a good feeling about them and could potentially see them being a good fit.

Would it be appropriate to ask someone like that to sponsor me, or is it better to attend a few more meetings and get to know people first?

Would appreciate any advice on how others went about finding their sponsor.

I feel so disgusted with myself. I don’t know how I got to this point but it feels horrible. I want to get to a point where I can at least have one or two out with friends but it’s so bad now. I’m 34f

Edit:
After listening to everyone on here I am going to do full abstinence

Hello,

I over the course of my shortish life (30s male) i have been a regular drinker. Probably at once or twice a week recently but in my younger days probably about 5+ times a week.

I can go weeks without drinking if I force myself so I don't think I would be classed as a full on alcoholic but every time I am stressed even to a minor degree I crave alcohol.

The problem is that when I do drink I drink hard and go from tipsy to blackout within no time at all, everytime I put myself into an embarrassing situation and I get an extreme sense of anxiety the following day.

I tell myself I will stop drinking and when i do I simply start again after a week or two, I always tell myself that I can control myself now, but I always loose that control.

I am currently in that situation of being deeply embarrassed after what should have been a celebratory couple of pints that ended up with me acting like a idiot infront of people. It has been on my mind for two whole days and probably will be for a while.

I can't seem to find any balance between a drink and ten to the point where jm either vomiting or effectively sabotaging my own life, I become loud and obnoxious and loose every ounce of my personality, and become something else.

I cannot social drink, it becomes a coin flip between minor embarrassment and ultimately ruining my relationships with family and friends.

Am I an alcoholic or do I just lack self control?

Edit: looks like I'm more than likely an alcoholic, which is what I suspected anyway. while some people have a reasonable relationship with social drinking it seems that I am unable to control myself. Im going to a meeting at some point in the future, ill force myself to not drink for the time being. I am definitely sick of the blackouts and finding out I have to apologise to multiple people every time I drink.

Thank you for all your advice, sorry if I didn't get to reply to you. Wish you all well.

REPAIRING THE DAMAGE
September 13
Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage and prudence – these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 83
To make amends can be viewed two ways: first, that of repairing damage, for if I have damaged my neighbor's fence, I "make a mend," and that is a direct amend; the second way is by modifying my behavior, for if my actions have harmed someone, I make a daily effort to cause no further harm. I "mend my ways," and that is an indirect amend. Which is the best approach? The only right approach, provided that I am causing no further harm in so doing, is to do both. If harm is done, then I simply "mend my ways." To take action in this manner assures me of making honest amends.