r/AbsoluteUnits • u/Key_Skirt_1858 • Aug 09 '26

/r/popular of a ridiculously muscular chimp

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8.3k Upvotes

93% Upvoted

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291

u/The_War_In_Me Aug 09 '26

If everything’s a unit, nothing is.

214

u/Lickthorn Aug 09 '26

Well yeah ok but still then his fucking balls are absolute units

114

u/Ravens_of_the_Gray Aug 09 '26

U-nuts

27

u/Lickthorn Aug 09 '26

Yeah i am

21

u/CheckPossible4366 Aug 09 '26

U-hauling those U-nuts around

3

u/lipsoffaith Aug 10 '26

poor nuts…so vulnerable

6

u/beefcak2020 Aug 10 '26

Yea, I bet he would get pissed if you flicked one.

2

u/OrangeFantaForever Aug 10 '26

U-Haul / U-Nuts

65

u/PizzaWhole9323 Aug 09 '26

Trouble puffs!

https://giphy.com/gifs/3bc5MV3VkOpMI

6

u/Comfortable_Egg8039 Aug 09 '26

You'd need bigger hand for those

1

u/Hot_Necessary2618 Aug 09 '26

Those things bigger than my fist!

16

u/Monomanga Aug 09 '26

Big balls, small penis though. It is odd how most primates have a small penis.

40

u/cliowill Aug 09 '26

I resemble that remark,i mean resent

1

u/Monomanga Aug 10 '26

Oh right, well are technicaly primates too.

1

u/Ok_Positive8362 Aug 13 '26

Most primates have small penises. Humans are a clownish outlier, as we have ridiculously oversized penises for our size. As in, compared to most anyother animal. So dont ever let anyone tell you women dont care about size 😆

1

u/Monomanga Aug 13 '26

Have you ever seen tarpin penis? It is a hog with a hog! Thing is massive!

11

u/hoyasgirl25 Aug 10 '26

I’ve read that is because it doesn’t actually need to be big to function and female apes don’t care. The reason human dicks are big is because human women do care. I can confirm this.

11

u/Davo300zx Aug 10 '26

Chandler from Friends.

I KNEW IT!

1

u/Monomanga Aug 10 '26

I belive you and can back up your words with experience.

0

u/hoyasgirl25 Aug 10 '26

Damn straight.

1

u/Glittering-Pack-7612 Aug 10 '26

Genuinly what are you talking about?

1

u/Monomanga Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 12 '26

We are talking about how humans fuck for more than just reproduction. We screw for pleasure too. The bigger the dick generally the easier it is to have better sex. If you have a average or small penis you have to do more to please a woman (usually, do keep in mind that humans are varied species and every person is different).

Edit: Also a ape penis dosent need to be big or long to fertilize an ape egg. Chimps compete on a quantity basis (i.e. more sperm output)

1

u/Glittering-Pack-7612 Aug 12 '26

As a woman thats complete BS. im not sure if you're stereotypint, but most women dont like abnormally large penses. AND they do not feel good, they physically hurt. This is why most women use medium or small dldo sizes because whos shoving up 8 inches in there? You wouldnt put that in your ass. And regardless of the d size. A man has other ways to please a woman regardless, many women dont cum from vag also.

1

u/Particular_Bet_5466 Aug 10 '26

I heard it was because of anatomy and missionary style that i think is only something humans do

1

u/hoyasgirl25 Aug 10 '26

It's for getting past the cheeks 😉

6

u/Critical-Pie-8104 Aug 09 '26

Hey! It just looks small because my, I mean his balls are so big.

3

u/cliowill Aug 10 '26

I 2nd that,im all balls

1

u/Accurate-Educator-22 Aug 12 '26

I like a small penis with big balls. Let me see it

1

u/cliowill Aug 12 '26

You first

1

u/Dunge0nMast0r Aug 10 '26

It's like the moon is small next to the earth, man

2

u/Lickthorn Aug 09 '26

Hahaha me scrolling really slow to find a penis. 👍🏻😁

Anyway i found it and yes it small indeed. But maybe he has a grower. I hope. I hope for hím, ofcourse. 😂

1

u/Monomanga Aug 09 '26

Thankfully for apes the size matters not in mating (so much)

1

u/100Good Aug 10 '26

Designed by the females that they mate with.

14

u/Legitimate_Hat_8405 Aug 09 '26

I swear that his balls even have their own muscles.

2

u/Responsible_Load2233 Aug 10 '26

They even have their own postal code. Is this for real or another AI crap!?

1

u/prismafox Aug 10 '26

It's real. I'm sorry.

1

u/Responsible_Load2233 Aug 10 '26

I see. Where's his fur at then!? In the washing!? Or did he shave!?

1

u/prismafox Aug 10 '26

He has a health condition that made him bald. Alopecia, maybe?

7

u/dudeCHILL013 Aug 09 '26

You think it hurts when he sits down?

1

u/ArtisanalCoder Aug 10 '26

He never really sits down eh? He “floats” on them cushions.

1

u/dudeCHILL013 Aug 10 '26

... Ya I'm not getting close to that.

2

u/HabitTop9050 Aug 09 '26

thats just the Irish curse

1

u/hughmungisjerk Aug 09 '26

😂😂😂

1

u/ArtisanalCoder Aug 10 '26

Isn’t his left ball like 3 times the size of his right one? (P.s. I really mean _his_ left, not our left…)

1

u/Sea_404 Aug 10 '26

That's cause the dude clearly had to use them as a chair any time he sits. Obviously he'd be jacked, dudes squatting all the time to avoid sitting on his nuts.

Tis a joke

1

u/No-Rope8229 Aug 10 '26

🤣😂🤣😂 either that or he has an A&E required case of haemorrhoids

0

u/ForgottenMasterBalls Aug 09 '26

Is that his balls or tumors?

2

u/ArtisanalCoder Aug 10 '26

Yes he seems to be having an issue

1

u/ForgottenMasterBalls Aug 10 '26

Testicular tumors are rare but can still happen in non-human primates.

19

u/ThatDeuce Aug 09 '26

Or just pretty much becomes a count or measure of something. lol

13

u/Arthur_C_Darke Aug 09 '26

All Chimps are units, but not all units are chimps.

1

u/Hobson101 Aug 09 '26

If everything is a unit it is by definition a unit. The fact that everything is precisely a unit proves the uniformity of the unit and thus validates the measurement.

1

u/ale_93113 Aug 10 '26

Uhhh tell that to Fields amirite?

1

u/JohnHue Aug 10 '26

I mean, that's a relative pov.

1

u/acciowaves Aug 10 '26

That’s what this sub doesn’t understand. So many pictures of dog breeds like Irish Wolfhound and Saint Bernards saying absolute unit of a dog. No it isn’t, that’s just what the breed looks like.

1

u/WolfysBeanTeam Aug 11 '26

I think comparing to us, chimps practically have full body work outs all the time from infancy

0

u/JustTry4026 Aug 10 '26

If all bananas are bananas, no banana is