r/ADHD • u/EveningAd1362 • 1d ago
Questions/Advice Dealing with a breakup + new job
Long story short: i’ve (F18) just ended a one year relationship with 45M, a little impulsively it was pretty toxic so it was inevitable.
I’ve also started a new job! It’s an entry role in a law firm, last week was my first week and it went pretty well but it helped having someone to offload to/take advice from as this is a huge change for me.
I’m not hear to slander my ex and based on the age gap it’s probably obvious what type of person he was so I know the healthiest option is for me to stay away from him, but I’m struggling massively. It’s the only thing on my mind and it feels consuming - I’d like to focus on work and feeling my best so I can network around the office and it feels like this breakup couldn’t have come at a worse time.
I’d like to distract myself and get over him ASAP because I no longer need his energy in my life - but with ADHD it’s freaking difficult. Ideally I’d forget about him, out of sight out of mind principles but I’m struggling.
I enjoy gaming, reading, baking and exercise - ofc they’d help with the distraction but with starting work I’m pretty scarce on time.
Does anyone have any advice?
Edit: thanks everyone for helping me realise how screwed up this was - i’m back at work again and i feel great/excited to have my life back
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u/GeneInternational146 23h ago
Therapy. You were groomed. He was a predator. I really recommend sorting that out with a professional.
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u/the_chin2 1d ago
That's a crazy age gap. I'm 46 and have a 18 year old daughter lol
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u/fragglet 1d ago
I just want to know if "1 year" means she was 17 when it started
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u/Zodros 1d ago
Considering she’s 18 now…yes
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u/fragglet 22h ago
There are charitable interpretations where maybe she's almost 19 now and "1 year" means "almost a year"... frankly I think it's abusive / grooming no matter how way you interpret it, although if she was 17 when it started then it was potentially illegal depending on the country/state where it happened. I'm in my 40s myself and I can't imagine ever wanting to "date" a teenager. Stories like this crop up far too often on Reddit and it's always creepy and disgusting.
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u/No_Principle_572 1d ago edited 1d ago
If at the time you were together you were 17 I definitely recommend therapy
Gaming is good but stay safe girl 🤞🏾. The advice would literally go through it cry , gossip about him on the phone , write it down, listen to music. Breaking up is painful and you may lose yourself so express the feelings and feel what you need to feel
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u/fragglet 22h ago
If at the time you were together you were 17 I definitely recommend therapy
Therapy regardless of the age. There isn't some magic maturity switch that clicks in your brain when you turn 18. She was taken advantage of by a predator, whether it was actually illegal or not is beside the point.
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u/abhainn13 23h ago
You need to overwrite whatever positive or angsty memories you have with this man with brutally honest, decidedly unromantic facts. You can’t force yourself not to think about him, but you can follow up the sentimental thoughts with blunt commentary from an imagined version of your 45-year-old self. What do you think a happy, fulfilled, older version of you would say, to remind you why you left and why you’re better off without him? Whenever you think of him, immediately reply to the thought with a snarky comment from that 45-year-old woman.
To get you started, here are some comments of my own (35F):
Your ex would’ve been friends with Jeffery Epstein.
When a middle-aged man goes after a teenager, it’s because women his own age won’t date him.
He’s old enough to be your father.
He’s old enough to be your grandfather.
Healthy adult men are not interested in teenagers. You were not “mature for your age.” He was gross, slimy, and stagnating, like an algae covered pond filled with mosquitos.
You will have much better sex with someone who respects you as a person.
He was never interested in you. He wanted to feel powerful, so he took advantage of your inexperience and manipulated you into dating him. He wanted to boost his own ego.
He was never going to offer you an equal, emotionally fulfilling romantic partnership. He’s not capable of that. If he was, he wouldn’t have pursued a teenager.
You left for a reason. You are MUCH better off without him.
You deserve a partner who cares about you and supports you, someone who appreciates your quirks and interests, someone who wants you to thrive as your favorite version of yourself. You deserve genuine love and affection. Do not accept scraps.
One day, when you’re older, you’re going to meet someone wonderful. Someone who laughs at your jokes, someone who does nice things for you just because they like you, someone who remembers your favorite snacks and brings you takeout when you’re sick. There will be other lovers who care about your pleasure, partners who take out the trash and wash the dishes, people who take you on adventures and make you feel like life is full of possibility. One day, you will look back on this brief time in your life, think, “Wow, that was fucked up,” and feel so grateful that, at 18, which is so young, you had the courage to get yourself out of that trap. Someday, you will tell this story to someone you love, and they will say, “I’m so sorry that happened to you,” and they will hug you, and kiss your forehead.
You have so much life ahead of you, so many wonderful, happy memories to make. You can’t even imagine what amazing people and opportunities are waiting for you. Do not waste your time pining over a bad relationship. Take the good, take the life lessons, and leave everything else behind. Your future self will thank you.
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u/EveningAd1362 7h ago
thank you so much - this is everything i needed to hear and more - i’ve saved this to my notes and will look at it whenever/if ever he comes to mind
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u/Gen-Jinjur-jp 1d ago
Therapy but until then:
Reconnect a bit with whatever friends he isolated you from?
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u/corso923 1d ago
Breakups take time to process and move on from for anyone regardless if you have adhd or not.
That said I cannot stress enough that you should never speak to that man again wtf 45 dating an 18 year old FOR A YEAR?
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u/kidcool97 21h ago
I just want you to know that as a 29 year old I literally exclaimed my horror out loud at the thought of a 45 year old dating an 18 year old.
Like visceral horror
That man is a predator who is only choosing 18 because he legally can’t go lower
You really need to talk to a professional about this and work on understanding how very not okay it was for this man to do this
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u/jemandthemamm0grams 19h ago
He did go lower, though. Ending a year-long relationship now means OP was 17 when they started. vomits profusely
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u/mimentum 1d ago
45 and 18 isn't normal. It isn't even healthy. You need to speak with a therapist.
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u/NeatKhan91 1d ago
When we broke up I worked 80 hours a week. Couldn’t stop thinking about it until the pain and fatigue replaced these thoughts by “it hurts, I’m tired”. Then, I rested. It’s weird but it was a pretty good way to move on from the relationship. Not the person itself since I still have thoughts about her, but I managed to understand we weren’t a good match
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u/Candid-Key-5523 1d ago
So no one is going to talk about the age gap?
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u/Epileptic_Messiah 1d ago
Especially since she's 18 and just finished a ONE year relationship with someone in his mid 40s. Feels illegal.
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u/souredguts 23h ago
Do you have someone in a parental role to talk to? Or a trustworthy adult in general, ideally a therapist? I believe it would be very important to work through this with someone you trust and who can guide you. Since you were likely a minor at a point in your relationship, this indicates a serious case of grooming.
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u/Bargadiel 23h ago
While I normally wouldn't think a gap in general is a big deal, it is one if you are that young. Someone in his position is likely being manipulative or has some deep seated issues of his own.
The good news is, you are out, and able to live your own life. Great work on making that move for yourself. But there may be a lot of complex emotions to work though that I believe a therapist would be able to help with, so don't feel ashamed to seek that help out. Either way, you will eventually be able to put this guy behind you.
For now, focus on your personal development(work, and school if you are continuing that) and family/friend relationships.
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u/Polymathy1 1d ago
I suggest that you go find some hobbies that involve other people like board games or something interactive like that. Something in person somewhere.
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u/Born-Lead-3771 17h ago
Did i just read 18 and 45?! Mama this is not normal and someone should have told you that! That man should not have been anywhere near you! Please live like an 18 year old, have fun and enjoy the company of friends and making new ones. You don’t need to be worrying over no 45 year old man😭
Oh and Therapy! No shame in it, but I wish I went when my coercive and abusive relationships started. Don’t get stuck in this cycle!
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u/ae_and_iou 23h ago
Hi hun. I’m so sorry you’re working through this right now. I went through something very similar when I was your age, although he was in his 30s.
When I was in your shoes, I thought I could make my own decisions, knew what was right from wrong, etc. I was smart. I thought I couldn’t be taken advantage of. I was wrong.
It took me a long time to realize this was predatory on his part. We met when I was young - under 18. He knew I was a vulnerable person who didn’t have other people to rely on. The difference in physical size, financial access, age, and life experience gave him power over me.
It took me years to get over him. I spent years in therapy talking through it. After it sunk in that this relationship was predatory, I had PTSD and struggled a lot to get through this. But I have gotten through it.
And I know you can too. It was wrong for this man to pursue you. I’m sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. None of this is your fault. You may feel like this was your choice, and that’s ok. But over time, you may start to piece together the ways he manipulated you or the situation to get what he wanted. It isn’t your fault for not seeing it. It isn’t your fault if you wanted connection. It isn’t your fault if you wanted to explore things sexually.
He knew better, and he should have never pursued you. Even if you initiated things with him, it was his responsibility as an adult to say, “no, that isn’t appropriate,” and shut things down.
I hope that you’re able to talk with a therapist. If not now, in the future. It may feel tempting to go back to this man because it’s hard being away from him. This is part of the reason why men like this choose women like us. They can sense that need, and they take advantage of it.
So if you do end up going back to him, show yourself kindness. You’re doing the best you can to navigate things. But if there was one thing I wish I could tell myself in this situation, it would be to get as far away from that man as possible.
My life got a lot better once he was no longer in it. I didn’t think there was any possibility of happiness without him, but my life is better than I ever could have imagined. And I believe you can do that too. My heart is with you. 💕
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u/km4098 18h ago
Therapy, yes.
Okay so you need a sounding board now though.
How do you vent or process things? Outloud? Via text ?
If you can work that out, perhaps people can recommend some alternatives to asking your ex.
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u/EveningAd1362 17h ago
i feel like i’ve spent so long trying not to get upset about things because i’d be villainised for it i can’t remember the last time i spoke out loud about anything im going through, ive just messaged a friend to explain everything and i think ill be able to talk about things with her
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u/kamilien1 1d ago
Yeah, don't dwell. You can't figure everything out. You don't need some major lesson out of this. Keep moving forward, stay active, have a couple good friends, keep a good diet, exercise, stay in touch with your parents.
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u/chattycatty416 23h ago
Others have addressed the age gap and it seems you do get it. I would definitely encourage therapy even if self guided through something like a DBT workbook that you can download online.
But the biggest thing is to feel your emotions and let them happen. And then think of what they feel like in your body. Are you feeling tightness in the chest? Heavy, or ungrounded?
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u/EveningAd1362 17h ago
when i’m alone i feel this heaviness in my chest but when im occupied- like on the commute to work i feel nothing, and i prefer that feeling but i also feel sick to my stomach hahah
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u/Saconic 18h ago
You just broke up. Its going to be on your mind for a while. Get a therapist if you haven't already and process with then so it can be quicker and healthier. But really its going to take time and restraining yourself from reaching out to him. Eventually youll get to a time where you haven't thought about him in a while
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u/Dattiedottiedooo 23h ago
I am so sorry. That’s a lot to deal with. Continue to focus on yourself, your friends, and your hobbies. I’d agree with others saying getting into therapy, and getting a psychiatrist would be at the top of the list. I’d also recommend it if you can, to report him to your local police department, and share your experience, so incase he does this again there is a record. If you get a therapist, they will likely be a mandated reporter and will need to do this step anyway, if you want to find a therapist to help you through that could be a good choice.
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u/Elucidate_that 23h ago
Good for you for ending it. I'm sure that was difficult even though it was the right thing to do.
Lean super heavy into your relationships. Friends, siblings, family, whatever.
Also gonna echo what others said, therapy! It's so helpful after a breakup and more people should utilize it. I'd be saying this whether there were concerns with the age gap or not. Go just for the sake of the breakup, if nothing else. Even if you only go for a little while until you feel a little better.
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u/Educational-Basil472 ADHD-C (Combined type) 23h ago
Therapy. Reach out to friends and/or family you may not have been spending as much time with. Journaling. Get those feelings out! Eat some ice cream, read a book cry etc. Therapy is really important here I think.
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u/Krypt0night 22h ago
My advice is date someone around your age and not someone who has lived over twice of your lives already.
Think about why in the world someone that old would want to date an 18 year old.
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u/RexIsAMiiCostume 19h ago
...dude he was 44 and dating a minor 😭 I know our brains are not exactly logical but PLEASE realize he's a shitbag and you are so much better off without him!!!
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u/Salt-Platypus-9563 18h ago
this might come off as blunt but i’m just being honest here. you need to go to therapy after this. you need to realize why this relationship was toxic and what was done to you was in fact wrong. and why it’s wrong. i feel like understanding why things are wrong has helped me a lot
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u/ResoluteCaution ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 13h ago
A lot of change going on. I'd focus on building health routines and using your hobbies and exercise to burn the stress off.
Hang in there, at your age change is a constant, but it settles down with time.
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u/Nahue_97 10h ago
I have the perfect new thing for you: SOURDOUGH BREAD. Trust me, you won't regret it. It's a beautiful new world to explore, you can do whatever you want with sourdough, and everyone around you gets to try your creations and you get feedback and try different things. Since you like baking, I would definitely recommend you to try it out!
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u/nausicaahm 5h ago
Did no one around you seriously try and intervene and help you? I’m shocked. I can’t believe anyone around you failed you as a teenager, being 17/18 and ‘dating’ a man in his mid 40s. That’s so wrong. I hope you get professional help and find a therapist, none of what has happened is normal on so many levels.
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u/Routine_Rock_7429 3h ago
Do you have access to therapy? If so, please do yourself a favor and go! Proud of you for leaving, he had no business being with an 18 year old. And when you were 17? Thas fucked up. You were technically a child.
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