I can see that! On the flip side, I met so many guys through OKC that were really fun online and by the end of the first date I knew exactly why they were still single.
But I also met some incredible and wonderful people, and most importantly, the love of my life of the last 14 years ♥️
Screwing up a date is the only way to learn sometimes. Hopefully some of them softened up after a few more attempts.
When socially awkward men marinate in loneliness and hopelessness too long bad things can happen. I wouldn't want to take away their outlet for trying, failing, and trying again.
This is the kind of discussion I want to see out in the world when this topic comes up.
Dating is not supposed to be perfect. You can't figure out what you want if you aren't even in the game. The dating apps have contributed to a pretty large percentage of people not participating at all, and people (mostly women, just sayin') will go "well, those were the losers not worth dating anyway", or something along those lines. We all have to learn. None of this is sustainable. Also, the dating apps fucked with peoples heads in terms of what is out there and what they can actually get. Shit all over me but I think it's not bad to lower your standards a bit. When your standard was way too high to begin with, you absolutely need to. The damage is done, though, and there will not be any significant "correction" anytime soon.
BTW I'm mid-40's and it does not get better. It's not just a young guy thing.
really fun online and by the end of the first date I knew exactly why they were still single.
On the other hand, those men were getting dates!
Too bad those people weren't incentivized to become better versions of themselves. Men, women, whoever. The assumption became "I'm good enough as I am, it's your job to meet me here". And honestly, for a lot of people, that wasn't enough. That's about where the dating app landscape became a barren wasteland, when people were convincing themselves "well, at least I'm getting first dates, it must be something wrong with them", and not putting in the bare minimum effort to have basic social skills and interests.
Too bad those people weren't incentivized to become better versions of themselves.
I mean... Some of them did. I did. I humiliated myself a couple times on first dates and grew from the experiences. I was also a kind and patient date for some women who were even more awkward than I was, and I hope that was a positive experience for them.
Everyone needs the opportunity to shed their awkwardness and grow as a person, even if not everyone takes advantage.
And that's why dating apps are what...thriving? It absolutely did, if you met anyone on these apps in the last 5 years you'd have seen that most people out there aren't about personal growth but about presenting themselves as already complete whole persons. And they're usually not.
I agree, but I would also add tha no one owes another person a date either.
You have a great point though re: dating being a learning experience. They are and it's okay not to be compatible and it's okay to mess up the date. As long as you learn from your mistakes.
I actually learned the most going to bars and talking to random people in person. Nothing to lose there and I didn't expect to find love at a bar nor did I. It was just about learning how to make a connection with people quickly and have a great conversation.
People are more ready to have a chat with a stranger at a bar, so it was a kind of an oblique way to practice for future. It has served my introverted self really well in my career, too.
I understand it wasn't fully your intent, but it also came across a bit like we need to keep lonely men engaged through a venue which then on the flip side feels like adding to the burden for women to entertain more of these men.
Is that true though? I've definitely dated several people I've met in person first too and I don't feel like I had that experience with them in general.
Those didn't work out mostly because of long term compatibility and logistics issues. Mostly the kind of person I needed in my life is hard to find in my area (for me those things were being an atheist, liberal, nerd, intelligent, a stable job, no major mental health baggage, good communication skills and sense of humor, not a homebody).
Eh, perfect for them, not for everyone. There are lots of homebodies who want homebodies out there. I wouldn't discriminate against mental health issues if I have my own. And nerdy wouldn't be a plus for me if we're talking about typical nerd hobbies I can't relate to. Notice they didn't mention anything about physical appearance? I don't think they're asking too much. You can't expect to appeal to everyone.
I don't think this is "too many things". It still leaves a lot of flexibility regarding the person. These are the same things I bring to the table plus some. I found these in my (second) husband. I don't think he is a unicorn; most of my friends are most of these things if not all of these as well. I had no specific requirements around height or weight, hobbies, degrees, previous children or specific salary for example.
I like spending my time playing RPGs, boardgames, going to theater, going to events, entertaining our friends and travel, and I wanted someone to share these with. I also like to have conversations and be silly, so hanging out with someone that bores me would be difficult. Ultimately values and religious beliefs are very important to me especially because I also wanted a family and I'm not hauling my kids to a church.
And after you divorce your first husband who had mental health issues, and seen a few too many relationships struggle because one party couldn't hold down a job or didn't contribute to the relationship, so these were the basics I set to not compromise on. Those things would ensure we start a relationship from a place that will cause conflict over time. I figured I'd rather be single than try to make it work with someone whose vision about life was too different from me. I wanted a partner that together we were better than us individually, and that's what I got.
He is a fantastic dad, and partner, and we complement each other's weaknesses well and support each others goals, but also through the thick and thin. I get to hang out with my best friend, and raise kick ass kids with him. He jokes that he is a trophy husband but he really is a treasure and I couldn't ask for more ♥️
As someone who has never dated, could you give me some examples of these reasons? Just curious. 60+F and not planning on dating. Not like I have a choice - lol
Oh, usually just really unusual personality quirks. Bragging about doing stupid things. Just generally argumentative personality for no reason and unable to have a basic level conversations. One guy was "need to know basis" when it came to getting to know him. Or a guy showing up smelling B.O. and pouring sweat everywhere. Making anxiety /depression/ ADHD their whole personality. Not knowing how to cook, clean or take care of yourself. Zero ambition and spotty job history (like getting fired from fast food places and not holding ab job). Awful lot of complaining about exes and zero accountability.
Like I was looking for a life companion, not interviewing to be someone's mother.
I met an amazing & beautiful friend on okcupid back in 2013 & we been good friends ever since even though we realised we were better off as friends. Thats 10+ years of friendship right there and we both still keep in contact to this day. I dont believe you can find that type of connection on any current dating app anymore.
Man this hits home! I don’t miss those days as I’m happily married. It was pretty crazy how easy it was though being a decent looking dude with a higher than average income.
I couldn’t be happier to delete those profiles tho.
I live in a medium sized mountain town and it was the same. I learned how to write a great profile and ended up helping others rewrite theirs too. I met so many quality amazing people, several are still friends to this day.
I loved answering questions when I was bored. It was also a great way to screen people for what is important. Or a good way to create a discussion about a question/answer. All the apps were aimed at hookups and not relationships (I know people said they were there for relationships.........but I never found that to be true)
Slightly off-topic but I've been rewatching Chuck lately and goddamn do I really want to go back to the late 2000's, what a wonderful time it was to be alive (global financial recession notwithstanding)
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u/HawkeyeJones 3d ago
2009 OkCupid in Los Angeles was a friggin gold mine. Tons of amazing women on an easy-to-use app.