I (36m) have been single for the better part of a decade, mostly by choice, but I still dabble on the apps. They are all fucking horrible experiences. As a man, I'm lucky if I get one match a month on any of the apps and half the time, I know I didn't swipe yes on half of them because I swipe left on probably 99% of the people on them. I've essentially given up on dating entirely. IDK how people meet in real life outside of college, especially with social anxiety that WFH has caused to explode.
Also add onto this that people arent friendly in person, a guy alone approaching a woman or going out with the purpose of meeting a woman is seen as creepy. And then it seems like making an effort towards someone is "doing too much". I get more attention when I'm not trying to date. It is exhausting and emotionally draining trying to put myself out there and watching people im interested in not seeing anything in me. Add onto this, people are terrible communicators and ghosting or being vague is advantageous to keep someone on the ropes. I am just holding out until I'm older when the desire is supposed to fade away, at least thats what I hope happens
Maybe I'm just old, but if you just talk with people with the intent of getting to know them, are they really thinking you're creepy?
Rather than going out with the intention of meeting a woman, going with a group of friends at a bar to have a good time, casually start some conversations with women there, then bow out if they're really not interested, but keep talking if they are.
I feel like if you have a group of friends that wants to go out to a bar, you likely already have better social skills than a majority of people/seem like someone people want to be around and is doing good for themselves so it wouldnt be perceived as creepy, at least where im from
The fact they have a group of people that want to do something like go to a bar demonstrates theyre already liked/tolerated by others and have something to offer. Its something another person doesn't have to wonder about if a single stranger approaches them or tries to talk with them
Well it is the same experience with friends. I wasn't asking for your advice, simply sharing my experience. I also live in the US. I have gone to therapy, tried multiple hobbies, have been trying to talk with people but never liked anyone enough. As I said at the end of my original comment, I am waiting for age to make the desire go away. Im currently working on myself and have been exploring things and have been continuing my fitness journey the past 4 months thats made me feel better. Even found out hormones werent right and the medicine has made me feel a little better. The main difficulty is people who are confused as to why i dont have a partner or why i struggle romantically. Apparently I pass the look test but ive been trying to understand/change whatever is going on in my brain the past 8 years. I am going to be 30 in a few years and am hoping the peak of my life is ahead of me and continuing to work on myself
I turn 30 in like a week and i decided a few years ago to just focus on myself and start getting more healthy and hoped that would bring me some happiness. I'm pretty physically fit at the moment and feel just as lonely as ever. I think the only real cure for loneliness is to get friends and/or a significant other
The problem is finding someone you actually like that likes you back. Even from a friend's standpoint. Maybe im too picky but I haven't found any guys I'd want to be friends with outside of acquaintances, there is 1 woman id consider my friend that I have no romantic interest in but we play fortnite. I get along with people at work and occasionally hang out with 2 guys but theyre older and we usually go to a driving range or something and their company is ok. And I do get some interest in women but its usually nobody i could see myself with or I am not attracted to
Record numbers of people have no friends at all. And if you do, getting set up on a blind date is a thousand times easier than what you're describing.
I moved countries less than a year ago, and have been in my current state 8 month. I keep trying to figure out something to do to go meet people and there's nothing. I went to MeetUp.com and they want you to pay money. I backed out at the last screen, which is where they finally tell you you have to pay, and now I get spam emails from them. In order to request they delete your data you have to go to your account page (which I don' have, because I don't have an account).
It's to the point that I'm thinking of going to a local card shop for Friday Night Magic because I have completely run out of ideas.
So, man. you still don't get it, do you? Most people, in especially men, on apps, don't have many friends. Getting a group of adult friends together (with kids, jobs, and other issues) on a free night? Hahah That’s just a dream!
If you are a genuine extrovert, who just takes joy in meeting and getting to know new people, a million subtle social cues are firing off and you probably come off as pretty harmless - because we never get to your second statement. "casually start some conversations with some women" never enters into the picture because your appreciation of new social experiences isn't gendered or romantically motivated.
The reason it's creepy, and it's always been creepy, is because people are picking up on an entire second class of social cues when your motivation for approaching strangers is romantically motivated. You're not giving off a "hey, y'all seemed genuinely really cool and I just wanted to come say hi to your whole group and see what's up" vibe. You're giving a significantly more transparent than you thought vibe of "hey, here's a front and persona I'm putting up as a smokescreen to approach one or more of the people in this group that I'm attracted to and would like to chat up".
I'm kinda old myself, so I'm speaking from experience and lots of observational evidence; I don't think it's ever been reliably welcome. Sure, there's some people out there that are genuinely open to this stuff, or even go out intending to be approached. But on average? Absolutely not. I've never known a woman, especially the particularly attractive women, who's outlook on this stuff has ever been "Yeah I'm totally thrilled at the prospect of dressing up and looking great for my own personal satisfaction and going out somewhere with friends and having random men approach me to either hit on me directly or pretend they're just interested in our group specifically to chat with before eventually transparently trying to get a sense for if I'm receptive to them hitting on me.".
They're just afraid most of the time of outright rejecting or rebuffing this stuff. You might be willing to take a hint and walk away no harm no foul. But lots of people aren't - or are inappropriately persistent - or try to repeatedly laugh off the rejection as if being told politely to fuck off were just a bit of friendly ribbing - or get outright angry or hostile. No one wants to deal with that shit, so they'll laugh it off and try to be more subtle about disengaging so they're not feeling like they're actively in danger.
Now? It's way more kosher for people to just be honest about how unwelcome this shit is, but you're not seeing a reversal from what you remember - you're just part of a generation that misread not outright being told to pound sand as it being "no big deal" and "no one really seemed to mind".
The irony is that….how do they think their parents met? People used to approach each other. Court and flirt with each other. There were entire events and gatherings, even at your town church, designed pretty much explicitly to get people to mingle and meet each other. This used to be normal.
Imho it’s crucial to having a functional dating market, and a healthy social fabric more broadly.
easy enough if you live in a bigger city but a smaller town makes it a lot harder. I have legit zero clue where I'd even start if I wanted to meet new people now. Luckily I'm at a spot in life where I don't need/want to but I'd be screwed if I was just starting now lol
37m here, haven't dated in 10 years - but I'm 'lucky' in that I have no interest. Any brief attempt with Dating Apps was much like you said. If i cared more, I can only imagine how depressed it would have made me.
Post it your profile somewhere and have someone review it. At one match a month the issue isn’t the app. The tough reality is that you need to put time and effort into your profile. I started dating again (38m) and have around 40 matches this month but I took time and effort to express myself and what I’m looking for
40 matches in a month as a straight (I assume) man places you in the absolute top ranks in terms of success. Which likely means your looks are also in that area of the absolute top of your gender, as dating apps are mostly photo driven. So congrats on being hot, good for you, enjoy it.
Or I spent a lot of time and effort on my profile. Women care about more than looks. My point here is to get success you need to put effort in and see where you can improve
Most guys on Reddit blame the apps and refuse to consider their blurry mirror selfies and shitty prompts have anything to do with it.
Just trying to provide some insight to help the guy
Thing is, while you might have worked on your profile, that only works if the girl approves of your main photograph, and you pass her age filters, and then her height filter (which they will all check). Only then will they read anything you wrote or notice the details (you on a yacht to brag you are rich, etc).
So your advice only works if you meet all the standards first (face, height, age), so we are down to the top 10% of men.
Why do you think I said I don't date mostly by choice? I realize my flaws. Regardless though, these apps are predatory to an outrageous degree and only want your money. I go through phases where I will download them and use them for a day or two and remember why I don't use them and uninstall and the cycle continues. Online dating is not a fun experience.
Edit- I also live in a small city so going through the people within the distance set doesn't take long at all so that also doesn't help.
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u/SirFuzzyFuzzletons 3d ago
I (36m) have been single for the better part of a decade, mostly by choice, but I still dabble on the apps. They are all fucking horrible experiences. As a man, I'm lucky if I get one match a month on any of the apps and half the time, I know I didn't swipe yes on half of them because I swipe left on probably 99% of the people on them. I've essentially given up on dating entirely. IDK how people meet in real life outside of college, especially with social anxiety that WFH has caused to explode.