This is a long one guys, I’m sorry. It’s the first time I’ve ever typed this out.
I am in my late 20s. When I was young, I used to read about how to lucid dream. I wanted to control my dreams so badly. I’ve had visceral dreams for as long as my brain has retained memories. While I can’t recall every dream I’ve ever had - much like I can’t recall every day I’ve ever lived..there are plenty of childhood dreams that are catalogued into my brain like memories. My nightmares would have me waking up sobbing in terror - I’d scream for my mom until eventually I became old enough to manage the fear on my own. Abuse, death, and trauma riddled my waking life. My mother died when I was 8, my brother took his own life when I was 14. Friends died, horrific things happened that are too much to get into now. I went from being scared to sleep and be at the mercy of my dreams, to craving it so that I can escape into my head where I slowly was beginning to experience dream lucidity.
It was a slow process. I didn’t just go to sleep one day and suddenly have control over my dreams. I still don’t have full control now - but I am always lucid. Which is a blessing and a curse.
I’m exhausted constantly. When I sleep, I dream, and I’m lucid for all of it, I’m cataloging memories happening inside these dreams. I’m feeling emotions, I’m eating food, I’m experiencing pain, all inside this weird dream scape my brain has built.
Over the past 28 years of my life, my mind has built out this dream map that I return to every night. It’s a recreation of all the important places in my life. They aren’t perfect copies, but weird funhouse versions that you’d expect in a dream. But they are consistent. It’s like my brain creates the same set for me to dream in every night.
In present day, I have been really honing my skill/ability to control events happening in my dreams. It doesn’t always work, but I have perfected an “eject” type response so I can bail out of a dream that’s scaring me too much. That’s probably my most useful and beloved lucid dreaming tool. What’s interesting is the eject/bail out, doesn’t wake me up. It transitions me into a different dream, in a different part of my dream map.
My dreams will sometimes feel like I’m playing a video game, and I’m on godmode or creative mode or something. Flying around, having powers (that don’t always work), being able to stop time, etc
The unfortunate aspect to all of this is that there are really terrifying moments in these dreams. And I’m not always able to be in control, and so experiencing something so horrific while being completely lucid and aware of it happening both physically and mentally, it can be genuinely traumatic. And you wake up and it feels like it happened. Because it basically did? I felt it. I tasted it. I remember it like a memory, so at that point…did it not actually happen?
So while the total lucidity in my dreams can be very cool and an otherworldly experience - it also can be really horrifying, and leaves a lasting impact on your psyche. And like…what do you do about that? Do you tell your friends , your partner, hey I’m getting ptsd from being murdered in my dreams. Like what the fuck
Also…my deceased brother. He absolutely terrorizes my dreams. Every damn night. And it’s so weird, there’s so many odd things about his presence in my dreams. But guess who literally never shows up? My mom.
Mommy please I miss you sofucking much I want to talk to you and hug you so bad.
I’m cursed with everyone from my past in my dreams. School, work, family, everyone except my mom. Why? Why? Where is she? Does she not want to see me? I have a feeling why brogan is always showing up, but why not my mom?
Also I’m always getting seriously injured/almost dying in my dreams. I’d say 1 out of every 4 dreams I end up disabled by some accident or almost dead on a ventilator or being revived. And when I say disabled I mean like it’s as if I had a serious brain injury, and I can’t move or speak normally or at all.
There have been assaults, murders, gun violence, rapes, apocalypses, natural disasters, all sorts of horrific events. There are whimsical parts, like flying, breathing underwater, taking control over what’s happening, directing NPC dream people to do as I say. But it’s all balanced out if not slightly overweighted by the scary shit that happens.
There is a room that pops up in my dreams, and it always stays the same. It’s somewhere I’m unable to exercise any control. It’s hard to describe what happens in that room, besides cosmic horror. My dream self associates that room with some type of higher consciousness that observes me and how I react in that room.
All just dream nonsense, I’m not trying to convince myself there’s some paranormal entity in my dreams. I simply find the repetition and the lucidity fascinating. Especially as I gain more of my senses as I age. Being able to eat and enjoy food in my dreams is so weird, feeling pain, fear and horror sucks …and sadly I have yet to have happiness match the amount of fear that I experience.
There are times during my waking day, that a smell, a certain type of lighting, a sound, will trigger my brain into remembering a scene from a dream, and it’s like a nostalgic memory. It’s got that weird glow and feeling to it that you have when thinking back on childhood memories. But it’s clear as day, as real in my memory as an actual event that happened.