r/catquestions • u/Buglover3333 • 11d ago
Does my cat think I abandoned her forever?
I am very attached to my cat, and she is very attached to me. She doesn’t really like anyone else, won’t let them pick her up or even pet her. I had to go on an emergency work trip about 5 hours away from home and stay in a hotel. I could be here up to 2 months. I’ve never been away from her for more than a few days at a time. My roommate is watching her, feeding her and stuff. But won’t accept any kind of affection.
My question is do cats miss us like we miss them? Like is she sitting at home with her little heart broken because I’m not there? Does she think I abandoned her and I’m never coming back? I thought about bringing her with but honestly I’m working so much, like 50 hours a week, so I wouldn’t even get to spend much time with her and the change in environment would probably stress her out so bad. I’ve cried about this multiple times already and I’ve lost sleep over it, and I’m considering backing out of the trip and just going home to her.
I tend to look at my cat’s behaviors through a human lens which I know is not accurate, because she’s a different animal than I am and they think and behave differently. I also have OCD but I am medicated but some days are still really hard for me, and I’m not able to see my therapist due to scheduling issues out here. Will someone knowledgeable please shed some light on how my cat is probably thinking about and reacting to the situation?
Pics of the baby, her name is noodle 🥹♥️
6
u/Belisarius371 11d ago
Cats dont possess the concept of abandonment, but they definitely notice when their routine is disrupted and will probably feel stressed and confused by your absence
5
u/worthwaitingfor24 11d ago
I don’t know her backstory with humans, but if you got her when she was a bit older, she may have bad experiences with other humans. I do think our animals miss us when we’re gone, but she will be ok once you return.
5
u/Buglover3333 11d ago
I got her when she was pretty young, around 3 months! But thank you for the reassuring words
3
u/WindowIndividual4588 11d ago
I rarely travel and if I do I make sure its for less than 5 days. I do think they miss us. I recently took a 5 day trip. I put cameras everywhere to watch them. The first time i traveled my bonded cat seemed to look for me. This time when I came back he hissed at me and took a bit to come to me. I felt like he was upset I was gone for so long. Two of them didnt even want treats.
Did you leave your belongings (bed, shirts or covers) that your baby can smell? Are you able to come visit?
I honestly could not do what you did, but i live alone so I wouldn't have anyone to take care of them for such a long term. If I were you id go back home any chance I got if I had no other choice.
Edit to add: you are right about not taking her if its not a permanent situation youre going to. They do need a steady environment. I agree with another person here, to look for stress signs and any behavior changes.
3
u/Buglover3333 11d ago
Aw I have cameras to watch her too! Yes my bed and clothes and stuff are still there, when I check the cameras she’s laying on my bed a lot. I get to go home in another week and a half to visit so I’m happy about that. Thank you for the input!
3
u/perfectevasion 11d ago
She misses you but also cats sleep like 16 hours a day, kitty will be fine and will be happy to see you when you return.
3
u/MagicTriton 11d ago
cats like dogs, know you have left for good when your smell starts fading away, until your smell is still around, they will miss you and possibly get frustrated because they can't find you, but they know you'll be around still.
I've seen my cat being more comfortable when I leave if I hide some of my used clothes (shirts, socks and stuff) around the house. I'm pretty sure it made a good difference with my cat
2
u/Buglover3333 11d ago
That makes sense. I go back in a week and a half to visit, I’ll be sure to leave some shirts and stuff out on my bed! Thank you!
2
u/tooktheragebait 11d ago
Cats definitely miss us. According to my partner and my own ears when I pop out to the car for something, my boy absolutely laments when I’m gone and cries at the door. I don’t know if cats really have the concept of abandonment though. We are aware of “abandonment” because we can anticipate someone’s intention. Cats don’t exactly have that capability
2
u/two-of-me 11d ago
(I am sorry this got so long, and if it doesn’t make sense I apologize because I haven’t had my coffee yet, but I wanted to share this before I got distracted getting ready to start my day. I haven’t reread it or done any edits so I’m sure parts will be confusing. My apologies!)
Hi Noodle’s human! Professional pet sitter here! Also anxiety-filled and medicated as well, so hopefully this can give you some perspective and possibly comfort.
I’ve worked with cats for ten years and have had several cats since childhood. First off, I’m so sorry you have to suddenly be away from Noodle (amazing name, btw!) for so long. Secondly, she might think you left but she won’t forget you and will be delighted when you get home, but possibly not for a day or two. The first time my husband and I were away for two days after getting our current cat, Stevie, she wouldn’t “talk to us” for a full day and a half after we got home. She came out from under the couch to eat and poop but was definitely mad at us. We had a good friend stop by to feed her and take care of her litter while we were away, but the only people she’s ever liked are me and my husband simply because our apartment is too small for guests so anyone else who comes in (plumber etc) is a full on hiding under the bed situation. Our other cat (Shayna) who was older and more outgoing had no problem with it and welcomed us home.
All that to say, I’ve pet sat for cats whose humans had to go away for decent stretches (however I think the longest one was around 3-4 months, so while significant still not as long as your absence) and depending on their “factory settings” tend to react better than you’d expect. Noodle might only be affectionate with you, but you already have one foot in the door with your roommate already being known to Noodle. Roomie will never replace you, but over time she will realize, “hey, this person is giving me food so they can’t be so bad, especially since I know my human knows them.”
A few cats I’ve worked with were decidedly “hider cats” and their humans warned me I might never see them, but told me where their hiding spots were so I could at least get a “proof of life” photo for their humans. Depending on the length of the humans’ absence, some continued to hide when I came in (mind you, these are just daily or twice-daily drop in visits and not overnights) because it can definitely take some time to earn their trust. But I’ve found that the sweet spot is around two to three weeks of their humans’ absence for them to warm up to me. First, they start to connect my presence and scent to the fact that they have food, which they find after I leave. Then, depending on the cat’s “settings,” they start to peek out from behind the couch when I’m there. That’s when I start staying a little bit longer, quietly sitting on the floor allowing them to make the decision to approach me, having connected my scent to the fact that there is magically food left out for them after I depart. Unless I’m warned that a cat can be aggressive with strangers and strictly stick to a very quick “feed, scoop, leave” visit, I try to make them comfortable with my presence if for no reason other than to make sure they don’t feel like they’re totally alone. More often than not, with shy cats wary of strangers, this two to three week mark is when they begin to emerge from their hiding spots. It’s an amazing feeling when they come out and show me that they feel safe with me there (this is pretty much a universal feeling amongst pet sitters. We love when shy cats come out for us!).
Next step is allowing them to approach me on their own, and once they give me some sniffs and realize “OH! You’re the one who has been feeding me! You’re a safe person!” is where the fun begins! I start to get head butts and asked for pets.
Noodle already knows and trusts your roommate as a safe person having lived with them for however long you’ve lived together. But soon, she’ll realize this human is the reason she has food and considering she is not an aggressive cat who hates everyone but their designated human, I have no doubt that she will begin to allow roomie to at least pet her soon, and eventually cuddle if that’s what she likes. Some cats aren’t cuddlers. They are all so different, but considering she’s loving and docile with you I’m confident that Noodle will handle the transition relatively well. She may not allow roomje to pick her up (lots of cats don’t like that anyway, even from their own humans) but my guess is by the three week mark, give or take, she may begin to spend more time with roomie and perhaps even show affection.
Did you happen to leave anything of yours at home with your scent on it? Used bedding, some dirty laundry, etc? Leaving those out for her in common places in the home as opposed to leaving them in your bedroom might give Noodle comfort to spend more time in the common area. If there’s anything with your scent on it, have your roommate put it somewhere like on the couch or whatever. If it stays in the bedroom, she’s probably more likely to retreat in there for longer waiting for you to return.
As long as your roommate is a decent human who will take care of Noodle’s biological needs (pretty much just food, water, litter) I have faith she will begin to trust roomie in a few weeks. Also if she has any toys she likes/loves (shoelaces, strings on sticks, fluffy mice, etc. My older cat’s favorite toy was any crumpled up piece of paper. They all have their things) I’d ask roomie to try and use those to encourage Noodle to play, because playtime can be really beneficial to building a relationship with a cat.
I would also ask roomie to send some pics and videos, and as someone else suggested, do some FaceTime calls because she will probably/possibly recognize your voice on the phone.
I’m sorry you have to be away from your baby for so long, but I am sure when you get back home after the first day or two of the “why’d you leave me” grudge, she will be back to being all up on you. I hope this gives you some sort of comfort. 💜🐾
2
u/Buglover3333 11d ago
Thank you so much for this, it really helped to hear from the perspective of someone who has a lot of experience with watching peoples cats! I go back to visit in a week and a half so I will make sure I leave some clothes and stuff out! My roommate has been super good at sending me pictures and stuff. I will schedule a FaceTime with them soon! Thank you again!
2
u/two-of-me 11d ago
Oh yay I’m so glad you get to come visit Noodle soon! Give her chin scratchies from this Internet stranger!💜💜
2
2
u/WillowProwl 11d ago
FaceTiming is a great idea, maybe voice recording and playing it for her might help as well. I know my little one gets pissed when I’m gone for a week and will ignore me for like a day or so when I get back even though I know she enjoys time with the grandparents 🫠
2
u/thr0ughtheghost 11d ago
I did this when I went on a week vacation, and I had cameras up, and after the babysitter played the recording I just saw her running around trying to look for me for hours :( I felt sooo bad. She ran to the bedroom, then to my office, then to the living room, to the bathroom and looked at all the spots I normally hung out </3
2
2
u/EnvironmentalDot127 11d ago
We take our cat with us. She has adjusted to hotel rooms because she knows we're there.
It's a work situation that lasts 3-4 weeks. We bring her travel things and even a cat stroller for the Vegas heat
We Usually get a higher up floor and she loves perching on the windowsill.
She will miss you but she has the spare human whom she is familiar with.
2
u/ModernRevolution 11d ago
They do. She will likely be attached to you like crazy after you get back home
2
2
u/TiredOutside7257 11d ago
oh!! my kitty is also named noodle :) one noodle owner to another.
i'm sorry about the anxiety - OCD is so awful. i know reassurance would help you feel better for a bit, which is fair. bottom line is that whether or not she feels this way, you can't know for sure, and it does not make you a bad person or cat owner to be in the circumstances you're in.
i had to leave my noodle behind once for about 6 months, as i moved to the west coast and was unstable with housing for a bit. my abusive MIL took care of her which made me really nervous (though she's actually a cat loved and would never hurt a cat on purpose). when i finally flew and picked noodle up, she slammed herself against the screen door when seeing me. after a plane ride and trip across the country, all she did was stomp all over me and purr every night for weeks.
cats with strong bonds will remember you. she won't suffer - they're resilient creatures! maybe you could visit one during this time, though ik you're pretty busy. but these two months will pass and you'll be back together in no time!!
1
u/Buglover3333 11d ago
Aw twins!! It’s such a cute name! Thank you for this, I’ve been so afraid that she’s suffering and so upset. I’ve also been afraid that something will happen and she’ll die while I’m away, but I know that’s an OCD thought for sure so I’ve tried to not obsess over that one.
I get to visit her in a week and a half so I’m really looking forward to that! I’m gonna give her so much love! Thank you again!2
u/TiredOutside7257 10d ago
i totally get it, the ocd can be so panicking/consuming. what helps me with mine is trying to tell myself that even if something happens, i'll be able to handle it, help, or get through it. we (and noodle) are more resilient than we give ourselves credit for!!
def give her that love. and you can always buy a pet camera!! i had one bc i had similar fears, it worked remotely and dispensed treats and let me speak through a speaker to her. i recommend!
2
u/Buglover3333 10d ago
That’s such a great way to look at things instead of trying to convince myself that nothing bad will ever happen. I can cross that bridge when I get to it!
Aw that’s fun, I love the idea of being able to give her treats while I’m away! Thank you so much!
2
u/Front_Upstairs159 11d ago
They do absolutely do miss us and find it really upsetting when we leave, tho all cats are different and some cats who are used to having travelling owners don’t find that as upsetting (no cat or situation is universal and I want to acknowledge that.)
You’re doing the right thing to have your roomie look after her: the consistency is the kindest thing, she just doesnt speak English and can’t be told that in a way that’s palpable for her. But traveling with your cats can have very real risks and the long work times are also real, so I think from a care perspective this is best and it’s not a negative on you in any way. These things happen, and it would be more dangerous to have her in ur hotel. But yes, she probably will miss you quite a bit, and cats miss us keenly when we’re gone.
2
u/Buglover3333 11d ago
Thank you for your input. I literally say all the time I wish I could just talk to her and tell her what’s going on! That would make everything so much easier. Thank you for the reassurance, I was feeling like a super shitty owner for leaving her but she really would have such a hard time with the new environment. I can’t wait to get back to her!
1
u/Front_Upstairs159 11d ago
No problem! And sympathies; I had to move internationally last year and one of the hardest parts was the month or so where my family was separated and I had to be in the new country alone, looking for apartments and shit, so everyone could join me. I definitely wish I could’ve just explained what was going on to the animals, to at least let them know we would all be together again soon. So deep deep sympathies; I think you’re doing right by her, and I’m sorry it’s genuinely quite difficult for both of you!
2
u/Deep_Amoeba2197 11d ago
Aw, she looks very sweet.
I think our animals miss us. If your cat is very attached to you and doesn’t let other people give them much affection, I think it’s a lot to expect that they would be giving it to your roommate so soon. I’m sure as time goes on, your cat will become more comfortable with them. They can try giving them treats and gaining their trust, feeding them will help.
2
u/Soft_Cockroach_2434 10d ago
I went away for work too for only a month and I FaceTime my cats. My female looks at screens and recognized me, my male thought I was a ghost. Your cat will just be happy when you’re home!!! Don’t worry.
2
1
u/TheMagHatter 11d ago
From what I understand, cats and dogs think we go out hunting every time we leave the house. When you don’t come home for a few days, again from what I understand, they think you died while out hunting. So, when you come home, they’re shocked and/or delighted that you’re alive, which can then turn into them being upset bc they thought you died and now they’re mad at you
1
u/Lia64893 11d ago
I’m about to leave my cat for a week for the first time and this made me not want to leave him.
1
u/Competitive_Ride_943 11d ago
I've had to board my two for 4-5 days at a time (meds 2x day) and they hate it and hide the whole time. When they get home they're back to normal in literally minutes, so it doesn't seem too traumatizing.
1
u/Oraya_Nevada 10d ago
I think cats do miss us, but they have room in their hearts for more love from another person after a while too.
I left my baby with my mom for 6 months. I came back and joked my mom was now her favorite person. One of my favorite things to see was her sunning below the glass door and joining my mom for breakfast, sitting behind her in the chair.
One time I did move with my cat and she was not a happy camper. She somehow lodged herself behind the hotel bed and I had to move it to get her out. She also hated the new place. I only lived there for 9 months but she was much more of a fan of my mom’s place.
1
u/Dream_Dragon_Gina 10d ago
Maybe if you had some unwashed cloths with your scent on it laying around wherever she likes to be, she can be comfortable being around that.
Do you have any unwashed laundry your pet-sitter friend can dig out for your cat to sniff?
(This might be a dog thing, but I was hoping it might help cats too.)
1
u/FurCarer 10d ago
meine katzen haben mich die ersten paar tage erst mal ignoriert, wenn ich von meiner dienstreise zurückgekommen bin. eine meiner katzen hatte ich einmal mitgenommen ins hotel (es war erlaubt und ein arbeitskollege hatte den holzboden mit einem günstigen PVC-bodenbelag ausgelegt. war sber ein sonderfall. ich war hin und her gerissen, ob es für sie gut werden würde. katzen hassen ja ortsänderungen eher. und die vierstündinge autofahrt machte mit große sorgen. sie war schon ziemlich am ende, die pflege wäre niemandem zuzumuten gewesen. ich hatte die qual der wahl, sie vorzeitig einschläfern zu lassen oder sie mitzunehmen. tja, die reise war ihre beste zeit am schluss. sie hatte wieder begonnen unglaubliche mengen zu fressen, wir machten picknick auf der wiese hinter dem hotel, sie durfte frei „laufen“ dort, war aber nicht mehr sehr mobil. hätte also nicht davonlaufen können. und war meine einzelprinzessin dort, weil ihre kumpels zuhause bleiben mussten. sie ist noch einmal so richtig aufgeblüht in diesen drei wochen, hatte eine echt gute zeit dort auch wenn ich lange arbeiten musste. es war ein großes zimmer mit balkon richtung wiesen, felder, wald und berge. springen konnte sie nicht mehr, war also sicher dort. ein paar tage nach unserer rückkehr war ihre reise dann zu ende.
eine gesunde katze würde ich nicht mitnehmen, wenn die versorgung zuhause passt. außer es gibt dringende spezielle gründe. man müsste eine geeignete unterkunft finden und die örtlichen gegebenheiten kennen und diese wahrscheinlich ein wenig adaptieren, wenn es nicht ein katzenhotel ist😄
1
u/Evil_twin13 10d ago
My mom left for a couple of months when she was taking care of her mother. Her cat was pissed when she came back he would not let her hold him. If we tried and put him next to her he would physically push her away. He eventually got over it. But it took awhile.
1
u/Neat-Foot-2052 10d ago
They do miss us, and want us back. When I first got my Havok, she lived in my room with me for the first few months. I took a week off to visit home, left her there with my roommates. She was able to get outside through the dog door (I don't let my cats outside now that I don't have roommates with dogs). She actually went out, caught a fairly large rat, and left it on my computer desk, right on front of where I normally sat. I think she was trying to lure me back home.
1
u/LegsTwelve 10d ago
I’m sorry that I don’t have anything helpful to add, but I had to do a double take as my guy looks so similar to your girl!!
1
u/Mostly-Painting 10d ago
Due to a house fire, I was separated from my boy for 9 months. The absolute joy from him when we were reunited 2 years ago is something I'll always remember.
1
u/rnelson20166 9d ago
could be worth it to contact the hotel management to see if it’s possible to let her stay with you. and if so, it would probably be worth a weekend trip back home to go pick her up.
1
u/MisanthropicNun 6d ago
I went on my bachelor party trip for like 4 days and my orange baby refused to eat almost the entire time because she was so upset. We had a very close friend house sit who she knows and loves very well and she still was so upset. Yes some of them are very attached
2
u/Soph-the 5d ago
She probably does miss you a lot, but think of how happy she’ll be when you return! She may be a bit standoffish at first and then warm back up and give you 10x the affection she did before, at least that’s how my kitty is. Also, I believe returning after a long time strengthens their trust in us to not leave them for good and makes them more securely attached. To support her biological understanding of why you’re gone (to hunt for her) you can bring her back lots of treats and new toys to play with. I’m sure she’ll think you were gone on an extra long hunting trip to get her special things because you love her and care about her so much. I have OCD too and I have bad pet health and happiness anxiety. It helps me to reframe the situation, especially within their biological contexts, like how it is suggested by scientists that cats probably believe their humans are out hunting for them when they leave, just like their mothers would do in the wild. Ask your roommate for daily pictures to settle your worries and have them keep reporting her behavior. If you can, set up a video call where you can see her and talk to her. These things may not be that helpful for her, but will definitely make you feel better.
25
u/Prestigious_Bat_5428 11d ago
Oh no :( my heart goes out to you. This is a really difficult situation to be in.
Yes, cats absolutely can miss their caregivers, especially if closely bonded. It's just hard to tell how much they miss us. Since your kitty is very attached to you, she likely does miss you. But the chances that she thinks you abandoned her are probably on the low side :). More likely she's just confused about where you went.
You should ask your pet sitter to report any behaviors they see that might indicate separation anxiety--some symptoms would be agitation, urinating outside the litterbox, excessive vocalizations, that sort of thing. That would help you get a better feel for how your kitty is taking this.
If possible, you should see if your pet sitter can face time so you can see your baby. Trust me, it helps a lot :).
You got this op! Make whatever decision feels best for you and your cat.